Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Hooksexup's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Hooksexup's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
The sun in your first house this week, which means now is a perfect time for major overhauls in the fields of identity and personal appearance. Go in for a bit of DNA testing; those childhood fantasies that you were the secret love child of a Hungarian count and a can-can dancer named Gigi LaChance could prove surprisingly accurate. Put your lingering feelings of gender confusion to rest by booking a flight to Stockholm and checking into the Christine Jorgenson clinic to make any necessary additions and/or subtractions to your primary and secondary sex characteristics. Of course, your cosmic energy is so strong this week, that if you decide to pack both kinds of heat, inseminate yourself and give birth to the Earth's new dark overlord. No one will be able to stand in your way.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Put down your Hitachi Magic Wands for two minutes, you dangerously oversexed creatures, and give the constant self-stimulation a rest. Now's the time to recharge your batteries, literally and figuratively. Tie up some loose ends; if you've got any wealthy lovers or relatives hanging on to this mortal coil by a fragile thread, try nonchalantly jiggling some plugs out of sockets. After that, you may naturally feel a need to escape (er, retreat) from the constraints of society and the long arm of the law. Prepare to hide out in a cave in the desert. Unintended side effects may include apocalyptic visions and the foundation of a major new world religion. But that's been in the works ever since your epic battle with Satan for the soul of a topless sorority girl on your last trip to Cancun, now hasn't it?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Make fun of Tyra Banks all you want. The woman gets what she goes after: her own talk show, her own prime-time CW show, and her own army of fame- and approval-hungry Tyra-bots who follow her around on their long, coltish legs. This week is the perfect time to laud Tyra Banks for molding herself into a successful (if not entirely respected) media maven, because — yes, Sag — we're asking you to get in touch with your inner Tyra. Whatever you want, you now have the power to attain. All it will take is will, gumption and some of your very own fierceness. Soon you'll be smiling with more than just your eyes.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Now's the time for you to focus on your career. And you know what that means, horny old goats: no more sex in the Champagne Room for you. Take a cue from our nation's politicians and clean up your sexual house: make sure all the sordid details of your deviant past are good and expunged. Baby mamas should be paid off, and any loudmouth exotic dancers or cabana boys should be offered generous retirement packages. While the pressures of public life might be wreaking havoc on your sex life, fret not, goats — political sex scandals are a dime a dozen. Soon the media's attention will be focused on someone else's shenanigans, and you'll be free to resume your drinkin' and whorin' in relative anonymity.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The sun's shining in on your adventure sector, so while the whole world can see you and your latest paramour going at it on that sex sling you bought online, frankly, my dear, you don't give a damn. Your wild adrenaline rush leads you to seek out Evel Knievel-style sexual stunts as you seek new experiences. While some might question whether your increasingly outlandish escapades are really bringing you gratification, we say reach for the stars, kid. And if that means zero-gravity sex, so much the better. Those losers are just jealous. Sure, most people would say that attempting the horizontal mambo on the back of a coked-up endangered sea lion is just kind of silly, but that's just because they've never known the touch of soft soft sea-lion pelt against their flesh whilst in the throes of ecstasy. And so what if your professional life suffers a bit? Jerry down at the nuclear plant will totally cover for you. He owes you one.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You foxy fish have been juggling many paramours lately, but lengthy nights of tantric passion and several walks of shame are starting to take their toll. You're looking to pare down your life this week, so either pick the partner you like the best (which one has the plasma TV?) or, if they're all duds, just get thee to a nunnery. Or monastery. Spin and sing on those so-alive hilltops, and a swarthy Captain and his adorable moppets are sure to appreciate your guitar skills, Project Runway-worthy curtain dresses and the fact that you can put on one hell of a puppet show. And nothing builds character like escaping the Nazis. Personal development is guaranteed.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Your assignment for this week is to sit at a train station and deliberately not catch the train, for at least twenty minutes. You're chomping at the bit for someone to agree to something (surprise!) but they are being as truculent as treacle (le surprise deux!) Make your cranium a Zen den of calmness, you wooly horned beastie, for this week you sip from the cup of the chill. You are a lotus, a lap of luxurious golden energy, the lion's ruddy mane. Cool as frozen blueberries eaten out of the bag. Basically, just take a lot of deep breaths and smile a lot — it'll pay off by next week.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week, you fear birds of prey — especially rocs, which are big and mythological. Prepare to spend the week stumbling headlong into puddles, pomeranians and predicaments while cowering skyward. Fear is big and scary (like an elephant-abducting roc) but when life gives us doom, what do we make? Doomenade. Tell your friends you're being “method” for your role as a paranoid schizophrenic, or recruit actors for Marat/Sade-like performance art, and y'all can gape-facedly twitch in tandem. You could even perfect that fetching little upswing of the eye, and pitch it as a photo-shoot concept. Japan's home to a fetish subculture for bandages and SARS masks — anything's haute, if you try! On Sunday you will hear an ominous whooshing of wings. Prepare for surprises!
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You know what you need? Habits! Habit rhymes with rabbit, and rabbits live in hutches, and “hutches” may rhyme with “crutches,” but both are sturdy little wood things, and “sturdy” and “wood” sound like “solid” and “good,” and solid and good will make you happy. Right? Right! (Right?) Start out slow — like eating the same breakfast every day, say — and when you no longer taste it, add another habit. Think of them as a little collection of useless, immovable points, like the parts of a hard drive that can't be reformatted. Beware of trying new things, giving the benefit of the doubt, or talking to strangers, as these will surely bring change. (For a crazy lark, try viewing horoscope through Opposite Lenses.)
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Something's happening, vis-à-vis your career, that will erupt in the early part of this week — or bloom, depending. Other possible verbs: metamorphose, transmogrify, ripen, “get all crazy,” emulsify, coalesce, rainbow-ify, “come together,” explode and crystallize. If you've been waiting for a choice moment to become self-employed, or a cake decorator, or a stilt-walking busker, or basically exorcise your wackness and get paid, now is your time for creative careers. Jump, Cancer, jump! You always wanted to direct, so direct already! We await your glow.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
This is a week for patterns and pixels, Leo. Mini and macro. Exercise: Stare at a static surface — a wall, a piece of modern art — for a good five minutes. If you relax and keep your eyes in the same spot without blinking (contacts help) you'll start to hallucinate. Sections will slide and buckle, bend and shift. Reality itself goes all wobbly. Don't try to focus on any one point, just peacefully accept it and relax. A similar philosophy will be useful when you back the car into drywall this week, courtesy of retrograde Mars. Enjoy the ride.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
You might experience just another manic Monday. And Tuesday. And Hump Day, as well. Don't panic if your coworkers attempt to give you noogies, or dunk your sandwich in your milk. Flounce off in tears to a corner café with your laptop and make a killing in short stocks. Manic milk-dunkings could happen every day this week, so make sure you've got a package of Oreos with you at all times. Change the oddball into opportunity. Convert your riches to platinum and make a full suit of body armor. Congratulations! It may take awhile to pass go, but keep at it and you'll win the game.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
