61 Frames Per Second by John Constantine Today in Hooksexup's videogame blog: Street Fighter. The movie. A new one. With that chick from that Superman show. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Mad Men's January Jones struts her stuff in Vanity Fair. Plus: Damages returns, the latest Gossip Girl guest star and Donna Martin capitulates.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
This week is Poignant Chekhov Symbol Week. Despite your best intentions, a tree, bird, car, or other arbitrary object will come to disproportionately represent your passage through life. Beware of waiting for geese to migrate home, or trees to bear fruit. You'll take to standing in your living room, filled with poise and purpose, staring into the blackness of your future and expounding politely on the terrible endlessness of days. Expect a rich clarity, smooth consistency and velvet-like meaning, as if your life were poisoned wine. It might make you a bit hard to be around, so be patient with your friends.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The Pwing found you today. It is beautiful. "What are you?" you whisper. "Pwing," it softly replies. On the roof, you both watch the clouds puff themselves red. The sun melts into the city. "Who are you?" you ask intensely. You fear a strange, wild joy about to devastate your mind. "Pwing." Suddenly, you’re aware of extra-sensory perception; the world is a jagged, shaggy map and you understand everything. "Don’t play with my brain, you Pwing," you shout, jumping up. "I like my mental processes. They’re boring, but I’m used to them!" The Pwing says nothing. You are ashamed. You suddenly find yourself alone. You spend the next six days painting the Pwing, and throw out all your black clothes.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
"Decorum and Decency," your propriety instructor repeats. She has a ruler. Thwack, goes the ruler. Ow, go your knuckles. You thought you were signing up for property instruction, but no, sweetie, no. It’s a weeklong workshop in the Ozarks, so there’s no escape. The first few days are knuckularly difficult, but you hit your stride in the soup-from-scratch segment, become fiercely proud of your corn-dill chowder, and rise in the ranks. You’re crafting a carrot-and-ginger stew when a Yeti descends and carries off your classmates to its nest in the mountains. Your classmates are going to die with decorum and decency, and dammit, you want that certificate of merit. It’s not too late to catch up.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This is a good time for planting cabbage. You found an almanac, and it says so. In the absence of any other trustworthy mentor, you take its advice, and plant cabbage. The footnote at the bottom says not to water them more than once a day, but you’re trying to be a more nurturing person, so it’s twice, three times daily. In the middle of the night, you hear a frightening crunch, and rush out barefoot into the garden. The cabbages have reversed themselves — you now have twelve balls of anti-matter, glistening blackly in the soil. Lovest them as children, for they art the product of thy mistrust.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Like wolf pups, or bear cubs, your pet peeves have somehow grown up into big scary hairy peeves, with fangs and claws. "GRAR DISHES GRAR" you roar, ogre-ing over to the sink to smash the crockery. "GROWL GRR HAIR IN SINK." Sometimes, wild animals breed in one’s consciousness, and one’s teeth start a-gnashing. Fact of life. The trick is to find a place where you can let yourself go wild, safely — in a junkyard, say — where you can scream, and run around, and maybe throw cars. Save your lovers and friends, Aquarius. Leash the beast.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week, you will have an amazing ability to change people’s minds. People, when convincing themselves of something, build up arguments like a pile of rocks; if you know which rock to kick, it all comes tumbling down. You shall be undetectable and sly; your friends will change preferences in music, will dump their boyfriends and girlfriends, will do terrible things to their hair — all because of your choice comments and ironic smiles. Guilt will eventually find you; absolve yourself by running for Congress and helping to ban off-shore drilling.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You rams have been acting more like frisky bumblebees lately, flitting from metaphorical flower to flower, which is my polite way of saying you’ve all been a little slutty. I’m trying to be subtle here; unlike all you tramps, my momma raised me right. But honestly, it’s intervention time. You’ve all had your fun and done more than your share of walks of shame, but now it’s time to give the hard living and bed hopping a rest for a while. Aren’t you just a little bit, well… exhausted? Aren’t you, like the late great Miss Peggy Lee, wondering if this is all there is? Take that existential crisis as a sign to slow down, chuck your needles and bottles of cheap vodka and take a good hard look at your life. Like a B-list actress in a sleeper romantic comedy, make a choice between your sexy badass motorcycle-riding suitor and the cute nice one who makes you pancakes. My advice? Go for the boring, er, nice one. You’re gonna need those pancakes and foot rubs while you’re nursing the massive hangover you’re in for.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
The sun is shining in your health and work sectors this week. Much like those crazy no-good Arieses with whom you’ve been smoking in the bathroom, now’s a time for you to calm down and reflect. Check into the ashram for the weekend three days, and consider some serious spiritual cleansing. (A colonic might not be a bad idea either.) Consider dropping excess baggage from your life. Dump that deadbeat significant other and all those toxic friends (hint: take a close look at those born between March 21 and April 19) and focus on finding you’re center. I hear deep breathing and yoga are the easiest ways to feel better about yourself, so just do those. And eat a lot of kale. And have some green tea. You should be fine.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Wow, you twins are just so smug lately, aren’t you? Just so proud of all your accomplishments and your annoyingly perfect little family and that gnocchi you made from scratch last Wednesday. Oh that’s right, I know about that. We all know about that, don’t we? Because you sent out one of those annoying Christmas letters in October. And, it’s true, your poodle does look adorable in that pumpkin costume you knitted out of the wool from your alpaca farm. But the truth is, even though they wouldn’t dare say this because they’re all charming, lovely, well-bred artisanal cheesemongers and lesbian poets and Pulitzer Prize winners, your friends are kind of miffed at you. Instead of bragging about your accomplishments, why don’t you put your considerable talents to use winning these people over? It’s getting nippy; I’m sure they’d all appreciate some alpaca ponchos. And for God’s sake, try to make yourself look more like a mere mortal, will you? Engage in some heavy-duty drinking and inappropriate sex. Talk to your Aries friends. They’ll show you how it’s done.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
It’s time for you, crab, to stop caring about trivial things like worldly achievements and personal fulfillment and focus your energies on that hearth and home that you’ve been so sorely neglecting. Your children would like some fare more nourishing than Fruity Pebbles doused in vermouth, your mother would like you to just call and tell her you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere, and your lovers would like you to know that it’s been seventeen days since they’ve had orgasms. Quit your job right now and get barefoot and pregnant and into the kitchen. No protests from you men; if Arnold could do it in Junior, you can too. And while we’re being honest, your paella recipe could really use some tweaking.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
With the sun shining in your family house, not only are those solar panels paying off big time, you’re also increasingly preoccupied with questions of family heritage. Much like Bond villain Ernst Blofeld in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, you’re very interested in proving you're of aristocratic blood. Feel free to explore this angle, but learn from Blofeld’s mistakes and make sure that dashing, be-kilted historian you’ve hired to investigate your lineage isn’t just out to get frisky with the bevy of beautiful birds you’ve got stashed away in your lair in the Alps. He might also be a secret agent looking to foil your plans to… rule the world by… giving everyone really bad allergies? (Seriously, you might want to tweak that evil scheme a bit.) This is also a time for family relationships and conflicts. But as chanteuse Neko Case so wisely pointed out, sometimes, your own blood is far too dangerous. So consider cutting your sleazy, wicked Uncle Ernie out of the whole world-domination scheme. You know he’s just going to be blackmailing you to support his venal habits. Cut him loose, and keep a close eye on that randy Scotsman.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Personal and financial concerns are your principal worries this week, which puts you very much in line with the rest of the American populace. Your social calendar is totally booked; phone calls, finely engraved invites, and overindulgent gift baskets have become very much de rigeur for you and your doorman. (While we’re on the subject, give that man a nice tip. Do you know how hard it is for him to lug those cases of Veuve Cliquot up to your door?) Anyway, you should use those social connections you’ve been working of late to improve your economic prospects. Network like crazy, and watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes to learn that there’s nothing you can’t achieve with the effective deployment of sequins and the wiggling of what the good Lord gave you. Set forth and find yourself a reliable sugar daddy or mama. Someone of your innate charms and social graces should have no trouble captivating and keeping the interest of bored, undersexed tycoons. And let’s face it, times is hard, no one’s gonna judge. So long as you invite us to the reception.
