Screengrab by Various Today in Hooksexup's film blog: Scott publishes his new book, Zooey Deschanel, You Will Be Mine. Plus, the top ten biopics of all time!
Dating Advice From . . . Glassblowers by Ariana Green Q: How does your job affect your skill set in the bedroom? A: I work with beads, so I don't do much blowing. Working as a glassblower makes you immune to double entendres, by the way.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The election results are going to have a revitalizing effect on your mood (due to either euphoria, or a long, loving night spent with Jack Daniels). You've been anxious for months, but happy relief is in sight. Not to advocate counting those metaphorical chickadees, but congratulations are in order. Now lighten up and celebrate!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Tired of working off all that Halloween candy? For better or worse, a bit of a health issue is potentially coming your way that would make losing weight a breeze. Don't despair though. It's nothing too serious. And it could be warded off by Jupiter, who in your eighth house and inspiring some pretty uncommon kindness in you. Not to confuse heavenly and eastern philosophies, but take care of yourself, and some good karma will keep you smiling.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Living on canned beans and stealing paper cups from hobos has really paid off. This week should see an upturn in financial portfolio, or at least enough cash so you can buy two dollar-menu items for lunch. And since you goats are fiscally prudent by nature, we're sure you'll find some brilliant, Suze Orman-esque diva to manage your growing funds. If any pesky ghosts come around trying to guilt trip you into ill-advised acts of altruism, you can always hire Bill Murray to take care of them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Lately everything's been coming back to bite you in the ass, including the neighbor's Chihuahua. (But you shouldn't have spiked his Puppy Chow with mescaline, should you have?) Poor Paco thought he was possessed by the ghost of Bukowski. The only way to beat the bad karma for all your misdeeds? Get thee to a nunnery, or some similar, meditative state. And no canoodling with Sister Mary Frances after vespers; God's always watching!
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
We don't know if it's because you fled from a recent tryst pursued by the Dateline camera crew, or if you've just been listening to a lot of Cher, but you're seeking a massive image overhaul this week. Start said overhaul by putting your bitch pants on: bring down corrupt CEOs, scheme against former lovers and bang senior citizens so hard they fall down and can't get up! At this point, it's best to go whole hog: invest in some massive shoulder pads and let the world know that nobody takes you to bed, or to the cleaners, if you don't wanna go.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Has a mysterious white van parked been parked outside your house at all hours of the night? Are Detective O'Malley's repeated requests that you pop by the precinct for a friendly chat starting to freak you out? This week make sure the sex tapes are in the vault, send your "business associate" Chico on a short vacation, and reschedule that human sacrifice. In other words, guard your reputation and your business from prying eyes. And how many times have we told you: that Lohan girl is not your friend! Being seen in hideous leggings will do you no favors right now.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
All you want to do this week is cover up the shame of last weekend by taking a long sojourn into an opium den; unfortunately your family is going to be all up in your grill. But rich Aunt Myrtle's been looking awfully frail lately, so it's best to suck it up and play along. Pretend you like your mom's tuna-noodle casserole, pick your sister up from the free clinic and for God's sake keep Myrtle's Ensure martinis coming. No matter what you do, don't tell them about the time you got blitzed on Jagermeister and let your cousin feel you up in the garage.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You're going to be quite the busy bee this week, with all astrological signs pointing to new business partnerships that will be buzzing. We can only assume from the stars' clues that you and your paramour are going into the porn business, and more power to you. Whether the relationship can survive appearing on camera together is your call. Nervous before they yell "action"? Just wait for the gravy train to pull into your station, and remember that nobody wants to see Ron Jeremy naked anymore.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Don't listen to your drill sergeant/yoga instructor: You don't always have to stretch as far as you can to find your center. Sometimes your center is a pint of Chunky Monkey and a Lifetime Movie. (Lame, we know, but no matter what 30 Rock says, not every week can be Shark Week.) And while we don't exactly have a lot of pity for your current state of sexual overexertion (see us playing the world's tiniest violins over here?) we'd like to remind you that sometimes it's okay just to cuddle.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
You're in a sporting mood this week, which will lead you to indulge in risky behavior. Stock up on the birth control on Monday, make sure you drink plenty of water, and arrange for a friend to call you if you're not back from Dubai in seventy-two hours. With those precautions taken care of, feel free to play the ponies, get freaky with midgets in clown cars and start building your harem. Don't forget the eunuchs, though: how else are you gonna keep your lovelies in line?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Feeling frisky? Saturn has entered your fifth house, delivering a much-needed libido revival. Until recently, you could barely pay for it. But now you're being courted left and right for dates with expensive tabs and sweet desserts. Take the suitors up on their generosity: the only thing more on fire than your nether regions is that pesky credit card debt.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Your life's a carousel right now. Unfortunately, instead of multicolored horses and calliope music, you're experiencing a series of bad dates and disastrous sexual encounters, from unwanted eyeball licking and pungent body odor to the old wearing-socks-during-sex routine. You might do well to wait it out the week in a cloistered community, where you can work out your sexual frustrations by making naughty illuminated manuscripts.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
