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Dating Advice From . . . Engineers by Steph Auteri Q. For optimal functionality, what should go into a first-date emergency kit? A. Fine wine, road flares, a snake-bite kit and Ghirardelli chocolates.
Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I've been dating this girl (let's call her "Sarah") for 2 and a half years. A year ago, we broke up for a week and I slept with one of my good friends (let's call her "Angie") who also happens to be Sarah's sorority sister. I never told Sarah what happened, but she found out shortly thereafter from a third party. For some reason, she's now under the impression that Angie is talking shit behind her back. Of course Angie denies it. I've talked to Angie fewer than five times in the last year. The other day, she and I made plans to meet up and talk things over. I haven't told Sarah. Is my girlfriend wrong to ask me to cut ties with Angie, or am I wrong to try and still maintain the friendship? — Peacemaker
Dear Peacemaker,
Fucking someone after you've broken up for a week isn't cheating. It's pseudo-cheating, which in many ways makes it worse than the real deal. You got off (literally) on a technicality, and Sarah is put in this shitty position — mad at you but at the same time questioning whether she's even justified. It's not like you ditched her at the altar or gave her chlamydia or anything.
I think it's not the worst infraction, but it's a problem that you choose to do it with Angie, who's both a good friend and one of her sorority sisters. Old-school fuck-buddies. Randoms you meet at the bar. A distant acquaintance who's only here for a few days. There are ways to get your crazy breakup fuck without an excess of complications and strings. I'm sure you know you scored a big old goose egg on this one, Johnny.
Let's talk about your reasons for wanting to reunite with Angie. Are you trying to get to the bottom of the shit-talking incidents? Yes? Then forget it. It's too late to play Mr. Valiant and it's going to piss your old lady off much more than if you just let it be. Plus, it's not like you're going to get a straight answer. When's the last time you heard someone own up to spreading gossip, let alone gossip that's related to a romantic rivalry? Both girls are going to try to convince you that they're the sweetest and most stable of all creatures. It's the other girl who made up the lie about pubic lice and posted that fake Cragislist ad soliciting her services as a tranny.
If it's an attempt to re-establish a friendship, it better be an important friendship, because a physical attraction mixed with a preference for the same Grand Theft Auto character is so not worth all this drama.
Go to Sarah and make your case. It'll show you're respecting her feelings and trying to be more honest than you've been in the past. I can't guarantee she'll be excited about you seeing Angie, but it will put you in a better position to re-establish the friendship and keep it up long term. You've already learned that the lying is not sustainable.
hey miss info please tell me how can i make my girlfriend to have sex with other boys it's really turn me on answer me fast plz — SE
Dear SE,
Try communicating with her in something other than Twitter and SMS messages. In your world, this translates to: "Talk f2f ASAP re: xtra penis, kthxbai!" Hugh Hefner wasn't born with a blonde pussy in his mouth. He hocked his furniture, worked for a children's magazine, and spent years acquiring the three women who may or may not sleep with him. You've got to really sell this to your girlfriend. Why it's hot. Why it won't harm your relationship. What she'll get out of it. Unless you're one of the lucky 2%, you're not just going to fall into a threesome.
Dear Miss Information,
What can I say to a guy who approaches me in a pushy, persistent manner? I've already tried imaginary boyfriends and fake wedding bands. I've thought about saying I'm a lesbian, but I'm afraid that will turn him on. I really want to scream "You're ugly!" but that's not enough. I want something that will totally deflate his ego. I'm sick of being polite. It's time to be mean. —Not Interested
Dear Not Interested,
Picture it: My sister and me at the tattoo shop. Two boys, both heavily into the tattoo scene, judging by their smug body language and ink-covered forearms. I know what I'm getting, and my sister sort of knows what she's getting, but she's looking through one of the books for reference. This is regarded by most as a rookie move, and the two gents in the corner start snickering.
"You should get a Chinese character," one of them says.
He means this sarcastically. Because we're the kind of girls who'd let a stranger etch "round-eye slutbag" on our backs and tell us it meant "beautiful flower". Not like his friend and him, who know everything about tattooing and the universe.
"I'll do that," I deadpanned. "Right after I fuck your mother."
The result was pretty epic. They didn't even have a comeback. Eventually, one went outside to smoke a cigarette. Probably to get away from the big cartoon bubble hanging overhead. It said "AWKWARD" in Gothic lettering.
What happened after that? Ummm… nothing. Those boys kept on being douches. The world didn't change, and I felt guilty for endangering our safety (not to mention fighting misogyny by insulting someone's mother, a backwards tactic if there ever was one). You can't change someone's mind with words, so the only words I'm going to give you are these: "I'm sorry, I'm not here to meet people." Say that, then don't say anything. If they persist, don't smile, laugh, or react. Just look blank. Take out your phone and start texting or open up a book. Alert the bartender or ditch for a different venue if the lousy behavior continues to escalate.
Readers, how do you deal with a pushy pickup artist? Ever had it end particularly well or particularly poorly?
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
