Please Advise: How do I ask out women I meet on the train?
I always chat with beautiful women on my commute. How do I take the next step?
Wise readers,
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this guy out. You can give him advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
Dear Hooksexup,
I've just moved from Seattle to D.C. for work, and I'm trying to meet new people (read: women).
Just about every day on the metro, I see women who are attractive and seemingly single. Many of these women put up a shield of books or iPods, but lots of them also just sit there waiting for their commutes to end. I have been told I am good-looking, and in social situations, I'm fairly good at starting conversations.
However, there's an obstacle: I can start a conversation, but I can't take the next step. How do I initiate a conversation that progresses to asking her out for drinks? What do I even say? If I wait until one of us is getting off the train, we won't have time to swap info, but I hate the idea of asking for her number and then just sitting there awkwardly for a stop or two.
Any advice? In the end, I don't want to come across as desperate or as a player.
— Breaking the Barrier
Got tips? Leave them in the comments. Got questions of your own? Email .
Commentarium (60 Comments)
Casually ask which is her stop so you can judge the timing. Otherwise just hand her your number or something if you see that she's leaving for her stop (it's quicker than the full exchange); she would have to be the type who isn't afraid to make a move though.
Also, if you are having a good conversation it doesn't have to end when you exchange info. If you ask her on a date or something you can carry on the conversation until she/you has to leave. Honestly, unless you're terrible at judging people and how good of a vibe is going she probably won't outright reject you so it's probably a non-issue.
If you get that good vibe on the morning commute, be willing to jump off at her stop and escort her for a couple more minutes, then ask her what her lunch plans are. (Hopefully you have a job that allows you extra commute time without getting dinged for running late) If it's the evening commute, offer her the chance to eat Ethiopian in Adams Morgan n'hood. You can get a cab pretty easy coming or going.
You better make sure it's a really good vibe, though....I might be willing to converse with a stranger on a train, but even if I thought they were interesting, I would think it VERY creepy and even desperate if they followed me off at my stop and tried to walk with me. Don't ask her to dinner right after meeting her, either: that's way too over the top.
Seattle Blonde is right. Better to be absolutely certain she's interested too. A lunch or dinner out should not occur in the first conversation. Probably the 2nd or 3rd -- if you get that far along. Thanks SB
Yep- give her YOUR info. Before you go talk to her, have a pen and scrap paper handy so you're ready to scribble if she has to leave abruptly. DO NOT follow her off the train, that's major creeper territory. I wouldn't ask her what stop she's getting off at, for the same reason. I'm a little sketched out when that happens to me...
Ditto. I actually had a decently successful relationship with a girl I'd met on the metro and gave her my card when it was her stop. A week later, emails were exchanged, dates happened, and all was well. If the vibe really was there, she'll get in touch. If not, you just saved yourself a lot of time and creep-factor points.
i once stood and hesistated for a few stops till i got the Hooksexup to approach this woman. she had already gotten off the train at this point. and i was new to the city so i figured when's another chance i'll get to talk to this woman. i approached her on platform and struck a conversation. she was open to talking but was late to work. she asked me to walk wit her and i confessed that i had gotten off the train just to talk to her. she was wierded out but saw i was harmless. we became good friends after that. but yea don't follow woman off trains. it's creepy.
Yeah, those books and ipods are to ward off unwanted advances/conversations. I agree with TT about not following her off the train or asking where she's getting off. That would come off as creepy. Given that aloofness is kind of the default for most women on the train, it says something if a woman actually engages in conversation with you. If you've talked a bit, just hand her your phone number and say you'd like to continue the conversation. Keep it cool. If she calls, then ask her out for coffee. Be prepared that probably some won't follow through with the phone call. Let it roll off your back and try again with another woman. Good luck!
I wouldn't make an approach on the train/bus. There have been times when guys tried to engage me in what was probably an innocent conversation but I felt creeped on because I was tired (I'm going to/coming home from work!) and then I worried about seeing the creeper again the next day and having to defend myself from further possible creepery. Unless you look and dress like a guy in a cologne ad, save your moves for parties and bars.
Disagree. If you don't like being approached, then Just Say No and hold your head high. But some people LIKE meeting new people! I say the guy should go for it. Also, I find following a woman off the train creepy, but I don't see a problem with asking what her stop is. If her stop is before his, he's gonna figure that part out anyway.
I completely agree with lhf. When I'm on a train, or anywhere else where I'm just trying to get from A to B, I hate getting hit on and will reject guys automatically, without even thinking about whether or not I'd actually like to get to know them better. It just seems very pushy to engage someone who is essentially a captive audience and is just minding their own business. And I know most of my girl friends feel the same way. You are welcome to try, I guess, but you will strike out a lot, and probably piss off/sketch out a number of chicks. It's up to you, but I'd recommend meeting women elsewhere.
I agree with this comment. There are better places to meet women where they aren't captive on a train with no way to escape. If you want to meet smart women, go for a bookshop, museum, fancy supermarket, bar near a college (teachers or students depending on your age). Even online dating if you feel comfortable with that route. There are many good locations in Seattle besides the train. Also try to ask your co-workers if they could set you up or something. Ask the girl about herself and really listen to what she has to say. Good luck!
"Unless you look and dress like a guy in a cologne ad, save your moves for parties and bars."
I assume you mean that guys in cologne ads epitomize the kind of sleazy cheeseball who would hit on women anywhere, and not that your principled objection to train-pickup-attempts suddenly disappears if the guy is hot. I hope it's the former, not the latter, since people who think that unattractive = creepy are lookist scumbags, and there are a LOT of them in the world (mostly women, to be honest).
I agree that there are likely better places to meet people, but what if they are
trying to meet "you"? Every woman is unique, right?
@@lhf: Yes, I guess I was being a lookist scumbag there--apologies. Unattractive does not equal creepy, but I've wasted enough time trying to be polite to bored, chatty men with no boundaries who just want to be entertained by a woman, and who act hurt when I'd rather read the paper.
Unattractiveness does not equal creepy but having to put up with forced conversation from strangers on the bus is obnoxious.
And SERIOUSLY? 'Mostly women' are responsible for the lookist scumbagginess of the world?? What rock have you been living under for the entire history of visual media? Show me one actress who is still a sex symbol after age 50 and I'll show you 100 actors. Show me one fat, hairy legged, makeup-free billionaire CEO. Honestly.
I don't have a problem with wanting to be left alone during a commute. I don't even have a problem with the idea that there are a lot of creepers on public transportation; there are. I do have a problem, though, when someone formulates "don't do X" as an absolute principle that Men Who Respect Women Should Follow, but offers an exemption for men who are good-looking/powerful/rich/whatever enough. I don't know whether you do that in your personal life, but I notice you didn't answer the question about what you meant with the cologne-ad comment.
Women are overwhelmingly the ones who label unwanted attention from the opposite sex as "creepy", and anyone who doesn't live under a rock knows that. Sometimes that attention does come from creepers, but sometimes it's just hapless guys who haven't gotten the memo that they're not in the league of whoever's calling them creepy. When a guy gets hits on by an unattractive woman, he may be repulsed, may even behave callously, but it's a different dynamic -- he's not OFFENDED in the way that many women are.
I don't think the fact that men over 50 are considered more attractive than women over 50 has much to do with "lookism". Men are overwhelmingly attracted to youthfulness, and women to power. Neither sex will ever forgive the other for this -- powerless men resent women, aging women resent men -- but it's never going to change, probably because it feels too good once you get what you want.
It's a mess that only love can transcend, but both genders have failed equally in that department...and will no doubt continue to do so until the end of time.
"When a guy gets hits on by an unattractive woman, he may be repulsed, may even behave callously, but it's a different dynamic -- he's not OFFENDED in the way that many women are."
Men also are not commonly hit on, or more often than not, harassed by women on a hourly basis, the way women are by men, especially while using public transit. How many times have you ever heard of a creepy women touching, or rubbing against, or masturbating against an unaware man, or a man unable to move away on a crowded train? Unfortunately, because of the society we live in, women are constantly responsible for other peoples actions. When a woman says a man on the train was harassing her, or hitting on her, usually they first ask what she was wearing, or if she even spoke to him at all. Because it's always the woman's responsibility to figure out what might encourage any man to speak to her, or approach her, rather than putting the responsibility on the man to not harass women in dehumanizing ways, or implicitly command women to engage with them, just because they want them to. How many times has a woman looked at a man and commanded him to smile, so he'll look pretty? How good-looking/rich/powerful the guy is makes no difference. It's the fact that women have been trained to fear men in public, because they've been taught that they are responsible for men's creepy actions.
Give me a fucking break with this bullshit you're trying to pass off as "lookist scumbaggery". Are you one of the guys who harasses women on public transit and then has the balls to get angry when you find that maybe she wants to be left alone and then tells her she wasn't even hot? You should sort out your issues with women, you're completely transparent.
I thought about typing a response to your self-righteous flood of diarrhea, but then realized that just about any other use of my time would be a better one. Have a nice life -- and I'm sure that if you don't, you'll find some way to blame men for it.
(P.S. Being treated in dehumanizing ways? Being forced to obey unpleasant social and gender roles? Being treated differently because of the way one looks? Having to deal with the consequences of other people's unwanted actions, including violence? Gee, that sounds like the experience of just about every human being I've ever met, male or female.)
Newsflash, you did actually type a response...
"...people who think that unattractive = creepy are lookist scumbags, and there are a LOT of them in the world (mostly women, to be honest)."
P.S. It looks like you're already blaming women for your life. I don't have a problem with men. I have a problem with the way our culture works, which both men and women contribute to. Women should not solely be seen as sex objects. That was what I meant when I referenced people being treated in dehumanizing ways. When people whistle at, catcall, grope, leer, etc., at others, they are participating in dehumanizing behavior. To have respect for someone is to treat him or her like a human with thoughts, feelings, preferences and rights. Including the right not to be harassed by a stranger.
I meant that most of the people who equate "unattractive" and "creepy" are women (which is true and beyond argument), not that most of the lookist scumbags in the world are women. I do think that women, collectively speaking, are a hell of a lot more lookist than people are willing to acknowledge, but I wouldn't say that they're in the majority, more like 50/50.
Honestly, I have no problem with a lot of what you wrote, but I'm just completely fucking sick and tired of this "men are responsible for all the evils of the world" rhetoric that your 12:01 am response exemplifies. It's one thing to say offhandedly that both men and women contribute to our cultural dysfunctions, but it's another thing to critically interrogate what women are actually DOING that contributes to those dysfunctions. (Hint: if you sexually reward aggressive, disrespectful, power-seeking, borderline-sociopathic behavior, then that tends to encourage that behavior. Who'd have thought?)
I certainly don't feel as though I have "the right to not be harassed by a stranger". Does anyone? It's a meaningless phrase, and a meaningless concept. Most people don't feel like they're being treated with decency and respect in their daily lives, so insisting that they're obliged to treat others in this way is an empty statement with no resonance for its intended audience. You're not going to change men's sketchy behavior through lectures and guilt; the ones who listen are already acting with decency and empathy, and the other, sketchy ones have no reason to care.
Therein lies the problem: we need to figure out how to make people care, so that they can change their own behavior. If we actually lived in a society that treated others how they would like to be treated, that could work. I'm not sure what you're referencing by saying that people are being rewarded for "aggressive, disrespectful, power-seeking, borderline-sociopathic behavior". Most people faced with that behavior would be uncomfortable and see help...If you're trying to imply that women do this with men they prefer to be with sexually, then I can only be disappointed with the women you have encountered. I don't know too many women who would put up with that. People who participate in those behaviors do so to overpower others and they are rewarded by peers, men or women.
Maybe women do equate "unattractive" and "creepy", but I hazard a guess that it's due to the number of times they are approached by a man who is creepy and therefore seen in their minds as unattractive. Equating "unattractive" with all kinds of negative connotations is something that a lot of people and I would say that men do it more, but I won't say that's beyond argument (since that's a ridiculous point of reasoning). I think for a lot of men, if a girl is not attractive or a possible sex object, she has no value. She can only be reduced to what she can be used for. I'm not saying ALL men do this, or only men do this, but I think this is a cultural theme that is very pervasive and it needs to change.
""I'm not sure what you're referencing by saying that people are being rewarded for 'aggressive, disrespectful, power-seeking, borderline-sociopathic behavior'"
It's quite simple: most women are attracted to powerful and dominant men, in much the same way that most men are attracted to youthful and sexually appealing women. The guy who doesn't let anyone or anything stand in his way, who always wins and never seems uncertain or indecisive, who dominates his peers and gets them to do his bidding -- this is the archetype of attraction for many women, whether they admit it or not. It pays sexual dividends for the men who act this way, and financial dividends in their professional lives. But these behaviors are fundamentally antisocial; they have nothing to do with compassion, empathy, or building a better world.
You say that men tend to devalue unattractive women. Fair enough. But women tend to devalue men who don't have power and ambition, and I find that no less contemptible: in both cases, you're treating a person as an object, as a means to an end or a resource to be exploited, not as a human being. IMHO, neither one is a product of the patriarchy, but an expression of what are probably hardwired genetic tendencies -- tendencies that take lots of love (not guilt!) to overcome.
It's true that everyone tends to impute positive traits to people who are physically attractive, and negative ones to unattractive people. What I can't accept is the hypocrisy about it, and this goes back to the "cologne ad" comment. If a person's basic stance is "if I think you're hot, your advances are probably welcome, and I'll probably forgive your missteps; if I don't, they're unwelcome, and even ideal behavior probably won't help", then just admit it. Don't try to brand sub-average guys as "creepy" when they're basically doing the exact same thing that a male model would do. BTW this is why I think advice columns are sort of useless, at least when it comes to "how do I find a mate?", because so much advice will depend on the appearance, behavior, and social status of the person asking.
My suspicion is that a lot of women are insulted when an unattractive or low-status man approaches them, because their self-image is tied to the caliber of guys whom they attract, and they use "creepy" to cover up their wounded egos. In fact, one or two of my female friends have more or less admitted it outright. I remember one of them getting super-offended when a guy hit on her, and when someone asked her why, her answer was basically "How dare someone like that think he could have a chance with me?"
The idea of a society that treats others how they would like to be treated is a nice one. But that assumes two things: first, that the stories people tell themselves about what they want are actually true; and second, that reciprocity is possible in such a framework, i.e. that I can treat you the way that you want to be treated, while still being treated the way I want to be treated. I'm not convinced either one of those things is the case.
"Lookist" men see a woman that they think is unattractive, decide she's unattractive, and stops there. And has no interest in her.
"Lookist" women see a man that they think is unattractive and decide his personality is defective. And is creeped-out by him.
As a fellow Metro commuter, I think that most interactions on the train are thankfully short-lived. I too get sketched out by most interactions and men hitting on me when I am just trying to get through the sometimes very frustrating morning/afternoon commute. The only time I had someone successfully hit on me in a train, was by getting off at my stop and asking if I worked for C-Span (I was carrying a Book TV tote). We got to talking and hit it off so I gave him my number. He didn't creep me out and didn't try to walk me home. I think like @dude said, you will strike out a lot but you may get lucky every now and then!
This is key. If you only hold your "moves," as someone else called it, for parties and bars, that leaves out all the accidental ppl you meet who aren't necessarily partygoers or barflies. I've engaged many women in innocent conversation (albeit, never really tried hard to get a date right then), but have done that with couples, hs/college kids and even guys. In a couple cases, I just handed ppl my business card (or have a private/personal one made) and said, "Hey, I found our conversation interesting. If you liked to get together for a coke or drink some time, I'd be game." I ALWAYS do that right before I'm getting to leave (or they are), so there's no awkwardness in them having to really respond to it. Surprisingly I've gotten back a few calls, but none have really gone much further (which is fine with me. I really just wanted conversation initially anyway.)
wow, this letter is premised on the presupposition that all conversations with women can progress to asking them out for drinks if the man simply says the correct magic words.
and holy crap, some people are attempting to answer the question!
Actually, this is about helping a guy find a way to continue to get to know someone
he has had a conversation with. It's not about magic words, its about getting the Hooksexup
to take the plunge despite having had negative results in the past.
Actually Richard, if you read the last paragraph of his letter (or even all of his letter), the OP really is just looking to get some drink dates. He even says, "I'm trying to meet new people (read: women)."
He has no trouble getting the Hooksexup, just problems getting rid of the vibe of desperation.
Personally, I find it demeaning that he's not starting up conversations because he genuinely wants to make new friends, but just to get laid. He can't even imagine continuing to talk to a woman after he gets her number.
You sound like an angry woman who assumes all kinds of bad things about men.
His trouble is "closing" (getting the #). He wants to know how to do it without seeming like a player, or desperate, in the process.
You have no idea what he wants. He writes like someone who could sincerely be looking for a relationship. Is that a crime? He wants to go on a date with a woman, so clearly he is thinking about talking to her more. And once you have "enough" friends, why would someone push themselves to forge new ones? They happen or they don't, naturally enough.
Finding a woman though...since most of you are so passive...takes time, focus, work, and taking risks. Unless you're the rare guy who easily asks out every woman you see in the supermarket for 10 seconds.
Yeah, I think that attempting to meet women on the train is probably not going to go so well, no matter how non-creepy and charming and good looking you are. Why not try to find a class or activity outside of work? Cooking lessons, a political/social organization, a scrabble club, anything. You're much more likely to meet cool people who actually share your interests that way, and even if it doesn't lead to a date, hey, you probably learned something or at least made a new platonic friend.
Write a Missed Connection.
As a woman, ive asked a few people out on the train. I mean, the worst someone could say is no. Usually I'd pass them my number as they are getting off, but have occasionally struck up a conversation. I've also had people follow ne off the train and try to make a pass - creepy! Id suggest being discreet but forward, and scribbling a funny note - so she remembers you when fishing it out later - with your number / email.
I went out with a girl I met on the bus.
A crowded bus, packed like sardines, I was sitting because the bus was not quite full yet, I saw this vision of beuty standing there, 'I looked at her, she looked at me, I smiled at her, she smiled at me...and we're on our way and can't turn back (The Doors)"I quickly gave my seat to an elderly lady (would have anyways, regardless).
Then found myself almost pressed up against her, we chatted, we got off at the same main downtown bus stop, chatted some more...made it a point to be sure to be on the same bus at the same time, a few days later I saw her again, we chatted some more, I asked her out.
Went out on several dates had a great time until...
Sigh, had she not wanted to remain a virgin until she was married...I was 24 she was 22
If you do something interesting for a living, try handing her a snazzy business card.
you should be not afraid but bored to have to always do the move, especially because it's a duty, and because she is genetically prepared to be the one to keep you on -
Start a website that documents something genuinely interesting that you're doing with your life, like traveling abroad or taking photographs or playing in a band (if it's good) or volunteering for a non-profit or whatever.
When you're chatting with an attractive woman, mention what you've been doing. If she seems interested then, as she leaves, give her the URL of your site, and invite her to drop you a line and say what she thinks. That way, she'll get in touch if she wants to, and she'll be able to judge whether you have enough common interests for things to go anywhere. Problem solved.
BTW don't worry too much about seeming creepy. If you're aware of the possibility and concerned about it, you're probably not a creeper, and most of the women who would call you "creepy" really just mean "I'm not attracted to him, therefore his attention is unwanted, therefore he's a creeper". Which is shitty, but hey, most people are shitty.
This many people are opposed to chatting on trains?
Really people?!
I've met girls on trains, in bars, drive-thrus, campgrounds and more random places.
Smile at her. If she smiles back, proceed.
Talk to her. If she speaks back, proceed.
Ask her out. If she says yes, proceed.
Relying on women to chase you down requires that you look and dress like a guy in a cologne ad. Of course that makes meeting women on the train easier too. How are you dressed?
Just sayin'.
Counting the number of responders who mention that they're ladies, I think it's more "There are this many ladies who have been hit on by creepy guys on trains wouldn't inflict that on anyone." Not sayin' it can't work out, but, as a lady...
He smiles - you smile back, because it's bitchy to ignore someone.
He talks - you respond, because it's bitchy to ignore someone talking to you.
He asks you out - you spend the next fifteen minutes in awkward silence rubbing shoulders with a dude you just shot down. Or, even worse, he keeps talking...or he gets angry.
Anyway, it can still work, just please don't be one of those jackasses who doesn't get social cues. Just like a first date - if she's into you, she's into you; if she's looking away or checking her phone a lot, smile and move on down the car.
Really? There are about 50 billion other ways to meet ppl. This one just seems fraught with difficulty.
Here's some real advice. Limit yourself to women that you see often on your commute (assuming that you commute at a similar time each day). Get noticed. Smile at her. Don't stare. If something funny or weird happens, glance at her briefly, sharing the emotion (like it's a personal moment between you two). Eventually, say 'hi'. Then work up to comments like 'how's that book, I've heard great things', or 'Does that vitamin water taste any different than regular water?' Then, work in a conversation. Then ask her out. Prepare for the process to take several weeks/months. Try it on many women to improve the odds.
I'd like to point out your use of the phrase "I've been told I'm good looking". People who have self confidence and believe themselves to be attractive, would never say something like this. It seems to me like you have some insecurity, which women DEFINITELY pick up on immediately and is very likely to contribute to your creep factor.
Keep in mind, women get hit on all the time. It is our natural state to be wary of men who are trying to talk to us, and as a woman pointed out earlier, we are also conditioned to be polite and deferential and try not to hurt anyone's feelings, which I don't blame men for not knowing how to read. "Is she interested or is she just being nice?" You may never know.
Here's the key: Be calm and chill. Don't stare at her incessantly before you talk to her. Notice her, and if it feels right, just go up and be honest. "I noticed you and thought you looked interesting. Do you feel like having coffee sometime?" It's ok to be awkward and goofy, most women find that endearing, but for god's sake, PLEASE don't lack confidence. Be in control of what you're doing and assume she will say yes. You have to be a little presumptuous in order to put the right vibe out there. Most men who ask me out cold on the street are so fucking ballsy that even though I'm not interested, I can see how it pays off for them.
I like most of this advice, though telling a guy that he needs to be more confident (or less insecure) is like telling a baseball player he needs to hit more home runs. It's easy to say, but it's an outcome-oriented suggestion -- it's much harder to actually address the underlying mechanics that are creating the problem.
OTOH, something that's always troubled me: how do you project confidence while still allowing yourself to have butterflies about someone? When I was younger, I'd feel all kinds of hope and excitement about a girl I was interested in, and it'd make me nervous and overly earnest, so most of the time I'd screw it up. Now I'm older and more jaded, and I've had much better luck with women, but I only feel about 5% as much joy and pleasure as I once did.
It's pretty difficult to be confident without being detached -- allowing yourself to care automatically makes you more nervous -- so not caring is an effective strategy for getting laid and attracting women, since women like confidence (and some women particularly like men who don't really give a shit about them). But it also means that once you get what you want, there's little satisfaction in it, because you've invested nothing of substance.
So I've always wondered how a guy is supposed to be a smooth operator while actually *enjoying* it. If I weren't in a relationship (as I am now), I'd like to have sex with lots of women, sure...but I'd also like to be present and in the moment, rather than viewing the whole thing from a detached, bored distance. Is it possible to have the enthusiasm of youth and the skills of mid-adulthood? Maybe not.
By the way, my fellow man, let me throw this out there. Most respondents here appear to be women, and are very confidently telling you what they would want, and whether or not they'd want to be approached on a train. But here's the point- MOST WOMEN DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT. If they were so good at picking the guys they want, there wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate in America; they might as well flip a coin when it comes to who they form a relationship with. SO- GO FORTH AND CONQUER. Don't do anything illegal or of questionable legality. But don't let a woman telling you what she thinks might be creepy (but perfectly legal) ever scare you off from doing what you feel is right. You'll be better off.
"Don't do anything illegal or of questionable legality. But don't let a woman telling you what she thinks might be creepy (but perfectly legal) ever scare you off from doing what you feel is right."
This is good advice. It's easy to get sucked into the trap of wanting to be beyond reproach, but there's no set of actions you can take which will ever make you immune from being called "creepy" or whatever. Some women view men with warmth, friendliness, and enthusiasm; others view men with resentment, hostility, and anger. Tailor your approach to the first group, since the second one isn't worth pursuing anyway. Don't apologize for existing, or for wanting to have fun and have sex. You don't owe anyone anything.
And to that I add: the ladies don't owe anyone anything either. Any individual of any gender is allowed to ignore anyone else, and that's okay. Some people don't want to talk to anyone on their commute, and that's okay. No individual will be perceived the same way by other individuals 100% of the time, and that's okay.
What's not okay is thinking that a few random interactions can teach eternal truths about 50% of the population.
@asdf, thank you.... @jfs$2) I feel like maybe some men out there are also contributing to the divorce rate, since there are usually two people who are divorcing each other. By your reasoning, men don't know what they want, either.
If the consensus is that women would rather not be approached on public transit (and you're hearing this from women liberal enough to read Hooksexup), I would give that advice a little weight. Of course, there are scenarios where it can work and if you're lucky enough to be in one, go for it. But unless there are more than enough signals that she's into it, I would not pursue it. Women will put up with a lot to be polite.
If I've learned one thing in this world of trying to get with women, it's this - whatever you do - HAVE CONFIDENCE!!!! (and a little charm goes a long way too). I'm a decent looking guy in a wheelchair but I have both of these attributes in spades and it has gotten me laid more than I have ever deserved. So please, whether you are approaching a woman on a train, at an ice cream parlor or at a funeral parlor - KNOW YOUR GAME IS WORTH IT! Believe in yourself. Confidence is a thing practically no one can resist because truth be told, few have it.
To quote Al Davis: "Just win, baby."
To expand on that, we likely have just one life right? So make the best of it. Roll with it, take your chances, as you'll never be the same person again. Don't be the guy that says: I should of done such and such.
To conclude, live in the moment and don't worry about whatever happens. At least you tried.
I've been a pussy at times and saw someone, but didn't say anything. Just go for it!
So we kicked this question from Miss Info over to Please Advise, because the group thought process, we thought, would be really interesting. And it is! Well done, y'all.
I really like this question. At heart, most people are lonely and/or bored, and the chance of connecting with another (non-creepy) human in a meaningful way is a "plus" for almost anyone.
Conversation starters about clothes or accessories are great, like the commenter above with the CNN tote bag pointed out. "I love your shirt!" is a great start, ditto "...haircut!", "...that band!", "...the book you're reading!", whatever. It's less likely to feel like a come-on if you're starting with some commonality, rather than some "Hey girl, are your pants made of Kryptonite...?" line. Be aware of space and don't look like you're trying too hard. On mass transit, you will always have the benefit of "leaving them wanting more," so jot down your number and hand it off with a smile. And, actually, I like giving emails better than numbers, because it is lower pressure. You can volley emails back and forth to get a sense of one another before any dates are committed to, which might help her realize you're not a stalker/ you are witty/ you're not desperate, etc. Phones can be oddly limiting and anxiety-producing.
If you strike up a conversation with a stranger, you can tell in the first five seconds whether they're receptive or not. If not, let it go. Sharing a few lines with a stranger is totally acceptable; forcing those few lines into a conversation is creepy.
It's easy. If you are in a conversation, just give her your card as you're saying goodbye. Say something like it was fun talking to you, let's do this again sometime with beverages.
Get cool cards. No street address, just email, phone, twitter and website. There's a company called MOO that makes nice cards with a lot of creative designs.
Wow! this thread has taught me so much about the male and female mindsets and in a weird way every post has said something true . Women DON'T want to be approached on a train unless it's Johnny Depp and men are filled with insecurities because their not Johnny Depp.In fact, I'd be curious to know if there are any straight women who would mind Mr Depp approaching them on a train.. :)
You can find all the answers to your questions and more if you go to
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You can learn the techniques without picking up the toxic attitude if you choose to do that.
I really liked the article, and the very cool blog
Give her the "I'll bet I can make you talk like a Native American" line. Works like a charm.
BTW, DC is a tough place to meet women. Go to Georgetown instead.
Pitching a captive audience is creepy and impolite, such as on a commuter train or in the station. If she says no, will you throw her on the electric rails? Seems like many commenters here never ride commuter trains.
Borrow or acquire a dog and hit on women in a public dog park instead.
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