Please Advise: I’m a guy who has trouble finishing.
I can't quite seem to make it to the third act.
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this gentleman out. You can give him advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
Dear Hooksexup,
I am into my thirties, and am not that experienced sexually. I have been with four women, and have had intercourse maybe six times. Every time, I felt my technique was lacking. I love women, and I have no trouble getting an erection, but every time, I’ve had trouble achieving orgasm from intercourse.
My question is, what’s going on here? I don’t know whose end “the problem” is on, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Is there some kind of a mental block that’s getting in the way? Is there a way to improve my technique, and finally climax from intercourse?
— Blocked Pipes?
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Commentarium (22 Comments)
Are you nervous? Have the women you've been with people you knew, or people you were having one-night stands with? Often just lacking a baseline comfort level with the person who's seeing you naked can stop you from reaching climax.
Alternatively, masturbating the same way over and over can accustom you to specific stimulation and make it difficult to come from sex. If you think that's it, just switch up the pressure and timing, or go without touching yourself for a day before a date to amp up the sexual tension.
Do not masturbate or look at porn for 2 months.
Not easy to do, but you'll be sorted after.
It's not as impossible as you might think. It'll only hard for the first 2 weeks.
ask dan savage, perhaps he will refer you to one of the times when he answered this question. i think it has something to do with how you jack off but i don't remember because i don't have a dick.
says: 2 weeks without Porn? You had better make it like 3... ;)
Okay, so the problem is that you have been jacking off for a long time in a very routine fashion. 15-some years of jacking off will probably mean it's harder for you than others to switch up your routine, but it's possible. As was mentioned by anonymous, Dan Savage has a great response to this (very common) problem that I'm sure you can Google (Hooksexup doesn't like links).
But this bit: "I don’t know whose end “the problem” is on" cracked me up. I don't think I understand what you mean, because to me it sounds like you're wondering if you just happened to fuck four girls with broken vaginas or something. Sorry guy, 'the problem' is all yours to deal with.
Masturbating with too much pressure or speed can make you insensitive to the stimulation you can get from sex with a partner. Take a long break from masturbation, do so as infrequently as possible, and when you do, try to do it slowly, lightly, using only 2 fingers. If you're really horny, that'll be enough, and, if you're really horny, you'll probably find sex will work better too.
I'm confused, nowhere did he say he was cuming via masturbation or porn, etc. My question is how long do you last before your erection goes away without an orgasm? Are you sure your partner is having an orgasm? If you only last 2-3 minutes than lose the erection than neither partner is getting off, however if you can last 5 minutes or more without an orgasm and your erection goes away I would check with a urologist as something isn't right, are the women saying anything good or bad? There are more things needing addressing before having any idea who or what is at fault? OR if the women are horribly ugly that could be a reason as well :)
Yes you are confused. He said he can't climax, not that he's losing his erection. The minutes aren't the issue at this meeting. A urologist would likely be pretty uncomfortable with this particular question. Lovely though that a guy has a problem with his penis and you jump to the "yo ugly bitches" conclusion. I'm sure you're really something in bed.
Dan savage says that if you only masturbate a certain way, you condition your penis to only respond to that kind of stimulus. He advises switching it up, varying techniques, hands lubes, stimulation. Already covered.
Athletes practice the precise set of movements that they need in their sport. You don't see some guy warming up with a hockey stick to go play baseball. And fucking is the same.
My personal experience (and maybe yours?) is that I had a major porno addiction and it was messing with my shit. I developed premature ejaculation because when you're a teen you're worried your mom could open the door anytime. So I cut out porno (mostly) masturbated way less, and then only in the dark with lots of lube and my imagination, and wearing a condom, (cause you know realism) And now I can go longer than I ever thought possible and finish! Soon you will too.
Could be your peen's too big for the condom size you're using... or could be you're with a girl with too large a vagina so you're not getting enough friction. Try going in her ass instead. Also, don't watch any porn for a couple of weeks. Comfort level is also important, if you feel like there's something sketchy about who you're with it will affect performance... also don't eat any big meals or drink too much beforehand.
A condom that's too small can distract from pleasurable sensation, or even be painful/uncomfortable. If you think that might be the problem, maybe try the custom-sized condoms you can buy to your exact size. Much better feeling. TheyFit went out of business, but now there's Coripa Custom Fit Condoms. I will never use a "regular" condom again.
In my experience having sex with people who have penises, putting some extra lube between the penis and the condom helps with discomfort, too.
For the first few months that my boyfriend and I were sleeping together, he could never get off from sex and I always had to finish him with my hands or mouth. MONTHS. And we had already been dating for about 6 weeks or so before we started sleeping together. Being comfortable with each other wasn't an issue, he said it was just in his head and we needed to keep practicing haha. At first, I wasn't on birth control so we were using condoms, which of course deaden sensitivity a little. Then when I started the pill, he wasn't as worried about getting me pregnant - and it's even better since we now use these spermicidal pill things that females insert and after a few minutes it dissolves to form a spermicidal barrier and provides some lubrication.
We also found that some positions are better than others, and it helps when we have lots of foreplay to really build up the excitement. Also, if he gets me off first, it lets him relax and enjoy it and focus on how everything feels without getting mental about making me orgasm (which he doesn't need to worry about because I come relatively easily, but he's a very considerate partner :).
We've been together over 9 months now and sometimes he doesn't come from sex, but now it's more attributable to us having a 45min or hour long session and he sometimes gets too worn out before he can come. Sometimes if I'm too tired or stressed or distracted, I don't come either.
It's really important to just develop that with someone. When he wasn't coming from sex, after I realized it wasn't that I was bad or unattractive, I made it my mission to do whatever it takes to give him an orgasm. Now it isn't a "problem' for either of us.
So after all this, I'd say just try to find someone you click with and who will be patient with you. Don't rush anything, and don't put pressure on yourself because you'll create a mental block. Til then, just relax and enjoy the sex when you have it.
I have the same problem so I can relate. After Googling to infinity and beyond I discovered that this 'situation' (called "Delayed ejaculation) happens to about 5 percent of males who have any sexual disorders (others mostly have premature ejaculation). Now while there are many causes but I believe that in my case (my assumption as I have not seen a professional yet) is psychological, could also be as mentioned previously physical - being used to the same technique and all. Thus this can only be identified through trial and error, as in stay away from porn for a while. If after some time (2 months might be a good call) real thing isn't enough to help you finish do seek professional help as there may be something more serious going on.
I will second everything sea has said about switching from condoms to bare with bc (my gf has an iud). Personally, I have trouble finishing because of a special type of overactive bladder that I suffer from called neurogenic bladder (your brain continuously sends signals to your bladder to empty itself, leading to an overwhelming need to pee even when the bladder is empty). Needless to say, this can make it difficult to get/stay hard and can also make the dick head (terrible i know) go kind of numb. I've found that making sure I pee before sex (and also avoiding having too much fluid a few hours beforehand if I anticipate it will happen) often does the trick. Not saying this is what the writer has, but I agree that a talk with a doctor of any sort would not hurt.
Dear Hooksexup,
I have a problem finishing. When I do, basically watch out! I've been known to blow holes in walls and shatter windows with my jiz wad.
Holy Geez, I'm not sure what the problem is, but the force is incredible. Some of the women I've been with have complained that it feels like a fire hose has be shooting up their love canal.
On top of that, when I jack off, the force can chip the bowl.
Any advice?
stop eating porcelain, as that has been known to fly out of a urethrae like a 22 caliber bullet, also, when you shoot your wad, aim toward something soft that is able to absorb the load with a ricochet like effect, I actually blinded a friend who was watching from behind a closet door.
Bro there is no problem.
Some people have to get comfortable enough to do it. I've had to do it a few times with a new gf before I get there myself. It happens. Get out of your head. Just keep fuckin until you bust. If not then try again the next few hours or days.
Since no one's said it yet, inability to orgasm can be a side effect of certain medications, particularly antidepressants. If you are on any medications, look up their side effects and speak to a doctor.
This guy is in his thirties and has only had intercourse 6 times, with 4 women, meaning essentially 4 one night stands in his whole life. The problem is a lack of intimacy/trust/ongoing sex with his partners. If you find a partner whom you can have sex with on a regular basis, this problem may very well disappear.
I have trouble maintaining a relationship because of my member size. Every time we get to the point of intercourse, women say I am too big for them. I am around 12 inches long and 7 inches thick and cannot find a women who wants to go the whole way despite enjoying playing with me. Any advise welcome, some guys dream of being big, I just want to shrink.
Um, yeah, right...
Now you say something