Please Advise: I slept with my professor's boyfriend, and my grades suffered for it
A Hooksexup reader shares her troubles with a scholar and his gentleman friend.
By Hooksexup Readers
Wise readers,
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this woman out. You can give her advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
Dear Hooksexup,
Last semester, I had a short fling with a boy in one of my college classes. Little did I know, he also had an on-again, off-again relationship with the professor of that class — who also happens to be my faculty adviser and something of a mentor. It wasn't until after we broke things off that I learned about their Harold-and-way-older-Harold relationship.
Our fling ended amicably, but I have an indirect issue that remains. I have good grounds — I think — to believe that the professor graded me unfairly, out of spite or jealousy, after he found out about the fling.
I'm very nervous about approaching the administration about this and worried that they'll take the professor's side. Also, even though the professor was unjust to me, I have no interest in getting him fired or dragging him and his family into some sort of long public battle. I just want to get my grade fixed and find another faculty advisor.
What should I do?
— Not the Teacher's Pet
Use your knowledge of justice to help guide her in the comments below!
Commentarium (72 Comments)
I have no advice... but i really appreciate the harold and maude reference. that movie is the best. maybe go watch it? it might help.
what a load of BS. You just have compromising information on the prof, and feel entitled to use it to boost your grade. I highly doubt the prof gave a damn about your fling, if he even knew about, and doubt still more that he would be so petty as to mess with your grade. Admit it, you're a petty blackmailer with a sense of entitlement.
agreed.
Is she/he was such a "petty" blackmailer why would this person be so HESITANT to report the professor, bj!
maybe she seeks public backing first. to play the safe game?
no game is ever safe
hey jb.. i understand you're point.. But you would be surprised..I know for a fact that some (not all) college professors resort to such tactics sometimes. a professor openly threatened (well it was a one on one conversation in his office) to flunk me on a year long class project that i was working on and that he was advising. Of course it didnt have anything to do with me sleeping around. I was contemplating the idea of leaving his research lab for another professor's research lab. Even though the two labs and projects had nothing to do in common. i later found out the two professors detested each other although they appeared to be civil and cordial to each other.. that's when i made it a point to learn my office politics.. ha ha
Some university professors are utter twats. We had this professor at my university who told my best friend she would personally make sure he'd never graduate despite having one of the best records in our degree; she marked me unfairly twice, with the same exact grade (46%), which kept me from graduating for a whole year. When I took the exam with another professor, I had 90% So yeah, some professors are that fucking petty and worse.
Poor babies. Professors ruined their lives.
Since things ended amicably with Harold the younger, I'd approach him about this subject. Since he's the direct connection, I'd let him know about your concerns and ask his advice on whether or not it should be broached with Harold the older or the administration. Alternatively, if you aren't comfortable with that, approach the head of your department and let him/her know that you want a different faculty adviser. You don't have to say anything specific about why you want to change, instead you can just blame it on "different personalities." Also, you could have a "hypothetical discussion" with whichever faculty member you feel closest to and ask them for their opinion on this situation. Don't give any names to your faculty confidante unless you're comfortable, but as long as you start all of your sentences with "hypothetically" you (and Harold the older) should be pretty safe.
Go speak to your professor armed with:
- as much evidence as you can to argue that your grade should have been higher
- a draft of a letter that you're ready to send to higher-ups at the university (and/or local and university publications)
- (MOST IMPORTANTLY) a friendly/reasonable demeanor that will make it clear from the second you walk in his office that you'd much prefer to resolve everything peacefully without ruffling anyone's feathers more than they already are.
Frame your conversation with him along the lines of, "Hey I think my grade should be better because of X, Y and Z. Also, let's be honest: its better for both of us if I find another faculty advisor - maybe you could help with that." And don't give the slightest hint that you're thinking of playing hardball unless he starts being a dick about things. Even then, roll out your ammunition gently to keep him aware that you'd rather resolve the whole thing in as civil a manner as possible for everyone's sake. Because you do, if you have to fight this guy and air out everyone's dirty laundry its going to suck and there's no guarantee that you'll get what you want. Much better to smile and play nice but be prepared to bring as big a stick as you can in case he doesn't like your carrots.
I agree with this advice. I think professors know what's professional and what's personal so unless you have clear evidences, you just have to talk to him about the grades. Like you said, you have no intention of firing him so why take this to administration to make the issue bigger? And also, like Slav said, do it in a FRIENDLY way. I once argued with a professor about my grade because I worked so hard, and he ended up disliking me. And I have to take his class again this semester. UGH.
And if the letter writer is incorrect, and his grade was actually deserved? This sounds perilously close to blackmail.
kas why don't you go give jb a bj?
I think that does sound like blackmail. Which I'm pretty sure is also illegal.
The professor had an affair with a student. That is enough to get tenure revoked. So the OP, armed with that information, is in an excellent position to blackmail the prof into giving her a higher grade. All she has to do is tell the professor's chair what the situation is, and the chair is contractually bound to begin the revocation process.
I'd ask for a lot more than just a higher grade. Maybe some cash as well? Because, if you're into blackmail, you should be INTO BLACKMAIL.
50-1 odds that the professor would not have his tenure revoked for this.
Yeah, blackmail is definitely not a good way to go - unless you're the kind of person who is OK with breaking the law and being a horrible person in general. I do stand by my original advice with added emphasis on the whole "be as nice as possible about things and try to argue your grade based on merit and your relationship with him as diplomatically as possible". The drafted letter to higher-ups should really only be pulled out when its 100% clear that the professor is not interested in being reasonable about your grade or about being your advisor; in other words AFTER he's refuted your arguments which you've based on assignments, tests and the syllabus with nonsense, AFTER he's refused to let you find a different advisor and AFTER you've tried (as a before-last resort) to reason with him about the *real* reasons he's being a dick and how its not super professional of him to treat you unfairly for such reasons.
If your approach is nice, polite and professional about things he'll be inclined to respond in kind but make sure you're fully prepared.
Wait, so the guy that you slept with--I'll call him Fling--is a side dish to his marriage, right? There is no way you can approach him about 1. your grade and 2. the affair and it won't sound like blackmail. Talking to him about the adviser/mentor situation should be fine, but the grade is where it gets sticky. Sure, you think you deserve a better grade, but really, who doesn't? Unless you have substantial proof that he knocked off substantial points--I'd say more than half a grade--I'd file this away under 'choose your battles.' Talking to Fling about it in a discreet way, as Betty suggested, should be fine. But if you approach the prof about it--just think about it from his perspective. You hold a tremendous power over him, and you want something from him -- even though you assure him that these two are unrelated, he doesn't know that for sure. There's a not-insignificant chance that he'll give you the higher grade just because it's what he'll think he needs to do to keep you quiet, and I don't know about you, but that would make me feel like a scumbag.
Exactly. How is "I think I deserve a higher grade and, by the way, I also have the power to end your career, so how about that grade?" not blackmail?
Is it possible that you slept with a guy who also slept with his teacher? Sure. Is it possible that this affected your grade? It shouldn't be. If anything, the teacher (fearing blackmail, etc.) would want to give you a good grade to keep you happy, complacent, and quiet. So if your story is even somewhat true, you deserved the grade you got. Now move on with your life. You can always retake those credits if it's that big a deal to you. In short - SUCK IT UP.
+1
You are RIGHT anon, that is not the way it SHOULD be. But the way things SHOULD be is NOT always they way things ARE. Thanks for your sympathy though :)
Surely there should be a system at your university where you can resubmit your work should you have an issue with the mark you received - completely independent of all this. Ask another member of the faculty or the head of department, or something. Also, is your work at very least not double marked? If this is the case - and it usually is - it makes is far less likely that he would have messed with your grade out of spite.
I know this is the case in some countries, but it is highly atypical in American colleges. It would be considered a breach of professional courtesy to regrade, unless a student had *very* compelling evidence.
Speaking from the professor's side of the lectern, I worry that your desire not to cause a public problem over this - while well-intentioned - may be stopping you from taking the appropriate course of action.
Your grade aside, you've got a professor who's sleeping with a student - which is skeevy on the best of days, but also a student *in his class.* If this is not against your university's code of conduct, I would be floored - and it is *certainly* against professional ethics. If he's also willing to punish students for their involvement with his personal life, that adds to the problem, but it's a problem even if he's not. Whatever other good qualities he may have as a mentor or professor, this is something that ought to be taken up with the administration - does your university have an ombudsman or other appropriate (and should be confidential) channel?
Of course, people make mistakes, etc. and not everyone deserves to have their career ruined over an indiscretion. But this doesn't sound like he was overcome by passion in the moment - you make it sound like a longish-running relationship with the student. I'd decouple the issue entirely from your grade and just take it up with the administration. If they "take his side," there may not be much you can do about it - but most functional universities take this sort of thing very, very seriously (and then you're not in much different place than if you did nothing - if he could be confident that the administration is corrupt enough not to care that he's sleeping with a student, he's unlikely to be impressed by any implication that you could blackmail him...).
DL "...I'd decouple the issue entirely from your grade and just take it up with the administration...." - Oh god, DL, what for?! The prof is an adult. The student is an adult. They are allow to share their lust.
But should the professor grade the other student down? Adults or not, that is still not fair. You would also be surprised by how much power professor's have.
@george: No, they are not allowed to share their lust. I can't think of a single educational institution that doesn't have a strong policy against professors having sexual relationships with their current students. There are good reasons why, as this letter shows.
To those who believe that the professor is not likely to be acting wrongly concerning the letter writer's grade, consider the situation a bit more deeply. The professor clearly has no problem breaking rules and standards by sleeping with a *current* student. Who is to say that this professor wouldn't break other rules of conduct? I'm not taking the letter writer's side in this debate, but to dismiss the professor's possible misconduct concerning her grade is to be willfully ignorant of human nature.
Correct. Almost every University has an anti-fraternization policy. Professors are not allowed to sleep with students under pretty much any circumstances let alone ones that are in their classes. It isn't 1970 when every prof had a "special" student. The whole situation would be grounds for immediate termination at the college where I work. She should ask him to review her grade and then ask the department chair for a new adviser. Up to the student whether she wants to turn him in to administration. Crappy faculty member in any case.
Thanks renaldo. Glad to have someone on my side and not label me as blackmailer :)
thank god i am living in a country where we do not have to obey such "policies" etc. - and everything works fine here. thousands want to immigrate and study here...
Let sleeping dogs lie.
Agreeing with Bruce. Just because you THINK you deserve a better grade does not mean you do. Perhaps your work just isn't up to par with the professor's standards.
Speaking from inside the ivory tower, I can say:
1) Approach the professor and argue your case. In most situations, this will solve the problem and everything will be fine.
2) If #1 does not work and you truly believe with all of your heart that the professor is wrong, then go to the dean. The problem will be fixed before you know it and the professor, if tenured, will still have his job.
While it is not against the law to sleep with student, it does create conflicts of interest. It's also a power imbalance. I've seen this dozens of times now.
Heaven! Grades are - in most cases - not a matter of "I believe", but of "I know". If the author knows (knows!) that the grades are not just, she (or he?) can tell the prof what he graded unfairly. As a student, I did this myself several times. There will be a discussion and a solution. What's so difficult?!
What's so difficult? Here's the answer: It is much easier to complain here.
Many universities have a lot of nasty back-room politics going on, and unless you have solid proof of the professor/student affair, it's probably a mess you don't want to start. As he's your faculty advisor, I would approach it with "I thought I had a good understanding of the material, but based on my grade, it appears I don't. Can you help me understand what I missed, so that I can concentrate on that, and do a better job next time?" That's the kind of approach any reasonable professor would respect, and if he can't explain why he graded you so low, you might get an adjustment just based on that. You shouldn't mention the affair at all, but if he's stupid enough to bring it up himself, then you can decide how to proceed from there.
Damn straight JCF.. Those nasty back room politics almost made me fail a year long class project.. People don't realize how much power these college professor have and some will not hesitate to use it.. I became Dexter Morgan "on the inside" and put up a face for a freaking year..
If you want any more advice, I would just ask about the grade you got. Don't mention the flings or anything, just ask why you got the grade and if his answer isn't satisfactory ask for your paper to be remarked by another lecturer. Often, universities will allow remarking as long as you understand that if the second marker gives you a lesser grade that is the one which stands. Go to the department secretary (who is often the one to deal with administrative issues) and ask to be assigned a different mentor. Do this only if you feel that the current guy has dismissed your concerns about his marking. Likely, the tutor doesn't know you know about his affair and it's probably better to pretend you don't when dealing with him and with the university. If he believes you don't know then he will be better prepared to offer unbiased help, and if he doesn't help then you can just complain he doesn't work well with you.
In the end, the affairs are irrelevant. His marking is harsh, maybe because he doesn't like you, so ask him to justify his marking, it doesn't have to be personal.
I know this doesn't help here, but a (potential) situation like this is exactly why anonymous grading should be used whenever possible. I loved having it in undergrad and law school. It completely does away with the bullshit teacher's pet politics (and for those professors that like the old regime, they can offer grade bumps for class participation...but they can't knock you down).
Step #1 - Get a new advisor.
Step #2 - Explain the situation fully to your new advisor and ask that this information be treated as confidential (considering the interests of all involved) .
Step #3 - Solicit his/her advice as well as a review of the work in question.
I had something happen to me where my adviser blatantly and creepily hit on me during an appointment to talk about my grades.
I mulled it over for a while, then approached the dean of my school asking for a new adviser and to have my information kept confidential. Unfortunately, they said they would not keep my name confidential and I still don't know what happened as I'm terrified to go to my department's offices in fear of running into Mr.Creepypants who knows I reported him and knows I switched advisers due to his behavior.
Honestly, I'd keep my head down and ignore it. University administration people don't care about your anonymity or your rights or anything, just about keeping your tuition coming in.
Not in any way excusing your advisor's behavior, but why should you have a right to anonymity in this situation? The school very well can't say to him "we had an anonymous, unsubstantiated complaint about you, so you're fired." He has a right to face his accuser and make his own case.
right to anonymity=victim's safety!
Approach the professor to seek clarification about your grade. Do not mention the personal issues. Be prepared to listen, but also be prepared to rebut. If your professor was capricious, you have a case. If you are a bad student, you don't.
If you think you can't work things out with the professor, seek an appointment with the department chair and air ask for a review and be prepared to accept the results.
In no case should you go to an administration official and say that your professor took revenge against you. If you do, absent any proof, you will have started something you are probably not able to finish.
I can't believe nobody wants to rat out the professor. The general advice here is way too concerned about blackmail, all at the expense of protecting a shitbag professor, that's cheating on his wife, on the down-low, and abusing the professor-student relationship.* The LW said he has "good grounds" to believe the professor treated him differently because of the fling. If that's the case, rat out the professor.
Sure the LW could be delusional about his "good grounds." But here's the thing: considering how much fucking money we pay for college, the LW shouldn't even have to ask the question "were my grades altered because I decided to have sex with one of the professor's student conquests?"
I think the general problem with the advice here is that we're giving it from the post-college world. We all tend to avoid these confrontations, especially in the workplace, because, in general, we're all adults (not that students aren't adults, but you know what I mean).
That said, school is different. We pay a shitload to go to college. The professor may have authority over the students, but it's the students who pay his salary...and at the end of the day the professor is supposed to work for the students. I didn't take out 10's of 1000's of dollars in student loans, just to fund some dickbag professor's sexual conquests with students. So yeah, turn in the professor, and try and get that higher grade, even if you didn't deserve it.**
*Is it possible that he's bi, and has an open relationship with his wife? Yes, but unlikely. Is it possible that he's fucking students, and not letting that influence his teaching responsibilities? Yes, but unlikely.
**Yes it sucks for his family. Not your problem though. I suppose if you can avoid exposing this to the general public, than great. Again though, not your problem.
I'm a professor, and even if that professor gave you a fair grade, you need to turn them in. We aren't allowed, and shouldn't be allowed, to sleep with our students when they are currently in our classes.
Several people have noted it, but let's be clear: we're playing with nuclear weapons here. At any real place an accusation of having a sexual relationship with an undergraduate--any undergraduate, let alone one with whom an educational relationship exists--is career-destroying. It's one of the very few grounds for firing a tenured professor. Nobody convicted of this will ever teach again. Ever. For that reason alone it's unlikely your grade was in anyway influenced.
But make sure you understand the rules: you rat him out, you destroy him; you threaten him in any way and it's felony extortion; or you let it pass.
Personally, if I were REALLY sure about the relationship I'd blow the SOB to hell. But it's your call. Just understand the stakes you're playing for.
I think this is a good point too. LW never says how he found about the relationship between Harold Sr. and Harold Jr. If LW's evidence falls within the realm of rumor, gossip, innuendo, etc., it's probably best to do nothing. If, on the other hand, the evidence is solid...I'd stick with my original position and turn the motherfucker into the administration.
@Alan:
Why does it have to be either/or? I think the author said that firing him was not her goal. What if Harold was over 18, can the professor still get fired? Probably not. Why can't this person still fight for him or herself? Should we just let this jerk professor abuse his power?
Also, grades influence entrance to Grad school, a necessity in times like these where one has to get a master's degree in order to get ANY decent paying job. Why should HIS career be more important than the writers?
Nope, it doesn't matter if the student is 80. It's nothing to do with the law - it's not because the student is a minor. It's that institutional policies forbid professor/student relationships - period. Technically, the professor would be fired for "moral turpitude," but you can think of it as a breach of contract.
What does 'evidence' mean? How can one produce evidence that the professor was fucking her boyfriend! It's not like she broke in while they were banging and filmed the whole damn thing?!
Well you never know ;)
Where are all these slutty professors? My school is so boring, they all keep their pants on
Good for you! If the worst thing about your school is boring, moral professors then you have got it good! I sure wish I had your problem!
Advice: Vet your sex partners more carefully, make better decisions, and study harder, cause it honestly I'm not buying the professor-with-a-family-and-a-gay-lover-on-the-side-is-punishing-me story.
Wow. Sounds like YOU got everything figured out. Good for you. Go solve your own life now!
Email your professor. Try to be kind at first. Let him know how you feel, that you've been wronged, and that you'd appreciate if your grade could be corrected. If that doesn't work, you can get a little nasty and blackmail the professor.
Many universities have a way to submit complaints anonymously. At the univ. Of oregon we call it the bias response team. Talk to an administrator in a situation that you know will be confidential and find out what your university's policies are. The prof almost certainly breached an ethics code by sleeping with a student who was currently in the class, but you're going to need a lot of proof to show that the prof was biased against you. Usually you can't submit complaints about something that did'nt happen to you, and sounds like your friend isn't complaining.
I actually think the grade that you received is relevant. If you think you did "A" work and got a "B" then that falls in a very subjective range and I'd walk away. If you think you did "A" work and were failed in the class then it's a different thing. Either way, the prof exercised super poor judgment in getting involved with a student b/c a student won't be discreet. Plus it's unethical. But if you use this against the prof expect a shitstorm whether or not you are right or not. People will find out all the juicy details and players and your life there will be forever affected.
go ask the Prof why he felt you deserved a bad grade, ask for advice on how it could've been better -- see if he has reasonable advice or lets himself slip that it was payback. then decide whether to nail him.
i'm curious what your evidence is that you deserved a better grade, to be honest -- much better grades prior to this affair, or from other tutors etc?
Agreed. There's a chance that it was simply not up to snuff (I've seen it before where the student was convinced that the prof was biased but he really didn't even give a rat's ass). And I've seen it happen: an "A" student writing a B paper. It won't endear you to argue for a grade you don't deserve either; you'll just be seen as a shit stirrer. I think you should go in there and talk to him as suggested by "end in mind".
By the way, unlike what gc suggested, "working hard" doesn't guarantee that you'll get a good mark.
One bad undergraduate grade is not going to negatively affect your life, and proving it's related to little bit of craziness is going to be difficult and not worth it. If you want to come forward about the fucking-a-current-student issue, feel free to do that. But you're not going to save your grade, and yeah, he might get fired (utterly justly, by the way). When it comes to student-fucking, schools will crack down, but when it comes to capricious grading, schools will defend professors unless the situation is extreme.
There are well-established ways to deal with a miscreant professor. What people before have suggested - approaching him and subtly suggesting you know of his misbehaviour - is very obviously blackmail. If you try this method without the proper will or way, bad things will happen to you, and your university will suddenly become a very unfriendly place.
You have two complaints here, and unless he wrote down a jilted lover's grade-tampering confession and then sent it to you by registered mail, you'll be unable to prove a connection (which, on the face of it, is doubtful anyways). If there's solid evidence your grade was unfair, this is a problem to be dealt with through the administration, which in many cases is more sympathetic to the student than to the lecturer. If there's evidence the professor is sleeping with his students, I would appeal to your sense of duty to the integrity of the academic community to get his ass bounced.
Either complaint process will involve breaking all communication with this professor. This is a good idea regardless - recognise bad relationships when you see them. You are too close to this man, or rather your impression of your relationship with him needs reconsideration.
Incidentally, other people above seem to think that a university professor is some kind of good-grade rubber stamp machine, insert college tuition in slot below. This is not the case.
One more prof writing here to say that the thing to do is to simply appeal the grade. Your department no doubt has an official appeal process, and you can set that in motion without saying a word about WHY you think the professor graded you unfairly. You will probably need some argument about why you think the GRADE is unfair--for instance, if his comments on your final paper said you didn't fulfill the requirements of the assignment when you can show that you did. If you were in my department, two other professors would then review your work and judge whether the grade given was fair or not. You may not get a higher grade, but you'd at least get two people who don't care about your sex life taking an objective look at your work.
Whether or not you want to be the whistle-blower on his student-fucking ways is another question altogether. Assuming you have no proof, I don't see how you can both appeal his grade and report his relationship without him being able to respond, with absolute credibility, that your accusations come out of your dissatisfaction with his grading. The grade appeal process is simple and routine. Allegations of sexual misconduct are not.
Let me speak as a student who was sexually abused by a skeevy professor in college. He was internationally reknowned in his field, so it was very flattering when he expressed an interest in working with me my senior year. Almost immediately he began pressuring me for sex and also signed up for scuba lessons when he found out I was taking them. In the changing room for scuba he would grope me and make incredibly lewd comments. It was disgusting and terrifying because his connections literally had the power to destroy my career before it got started. I finally gave into the pressure and had sex with him in the hope he would leave me alone after, but it just got worst. I kept it to myself figuring it was only other ten weeks until graduation.
Then I found out that many other students, including freshman (male and female) were also being harassed and I decided to report the slimebag. Fortunately, he had screwed up by sending me a note that said, "Come by and see me again, I'll make it worth your while." I took the evidence to the administration and trusted them to do the right thing.
Big fucking mistake.
It was a hellish experience that ended with his very quiet firing and me leaving school without a degree. After four years I saved up enough to go back, finish my final term and graduate. But I never did work in my original career path. In retrospect, I should have sued, but male professor on male student sexual harassment wasn't taken seriously, even by the lawyer I talked to. Things today should be better, but if you're decide to report the professor, talk to a lawyer first and be prepared to get slandered or worse. Even so, I still think you should report the professor. The power difference between a professor and student is inherently unequal and he needs to pay the consequences for his abuse of power.
Also Smartypants and Thatone, I am sorry to hear about your experiances.
accept your fucking grade and learn from the experience. or go thru life using whatever leverage you can to get ahead. eff taking responsibility, right? getting your sex life mixed up with your academic or professional career is pathetic enough. trying to manipulate gains out of that is just vile.
Please teach the rest of these itneernt hooligans how to write and research!
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