Please Advise: Should I tell my roommate I once slept with her new boyfriend?
Hooksexup readers weigh in on one woman's sexual quandary.
Wise readers,
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this woman out. You can give her advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
Dear Hooksexup,
I live with my best friend from college, and we get along really well. The problem: she started dating a random guy she met at a bar. But when she brought him home, it turned out he wasn't so random after all. I definitely had a one-night stand with him a few months prior to their meeting. When she first introduced us, we both played it off like we didn't know each other, but later spoke alone about it and decided not to tell her.
Then he started spending more and more time at the apartment. It's more than a little awkward for me; I feel like a liar and a bad friend. I thought it would be better not to say anything, because she seemed to really like him. (Plus she's a bit of a prude.) But now he's also turning out to be kind of a jerk. He leaves his stuff around and doesn't clean up after himself, which is annoying, but more importantly, he's rude to my friend, and she never stands up for herself. She's a really great girl, super easy-going and sweet to everyone, and she just shrugs off his attacks. It's hard to watch. And I feel guilty, because maybe telling her what had happened could have prevented all of this.
Now what? They're getting serious, and I'm stuck in this weird triangle. I want to get rid of him both for her sake and mine, but is there a way to do that without revealing the secret we've kept? That will certainly come down on me in the end, not him. I was just trying to give the two of them a chance, but I should've told her, right?
— Bad Friend in Poughkeepsie
Tell her what you think she should do in the comments below.
Commentarium (76 Comments)
I don't get why she would need to know. You slept with him before they got together, why would it upset her?
Sit her down, talk about the warning signs you see, and let her make her own decisions. But really, there's no need to detail all of your one night stands to her, or to anyone.
Agreed. If you are really concerned because of his behavior and not because you're jealous then THAT is what you should talk to her about. If all you had was a one night stand and you both agreed to keep it a secret, then keep it a secret.
I think the world has more important things to worry about then soemthing like this
Yes, such as car insurance.
There is no "triangle" here. You had a one night stand with the guy a long time ago. There's been no implication he wants to get back with you, at least as far as you shared. He didn't illustrate to you, in this one night stand, any bad or abusive behavior, which -- if it were present -- would have been useful to share with her. You just had sex with him. I imagine she knows, prude or no, that he's had sex before. Your one night stand has no relevance, other than to make her uncomfortable.
Frankly, the fact that you put her and your needs in terms of her relationship, and her and your relationship with the guy, on similar footing is pretty messed up. What's between the two of them is between the two of them. Stop making their relationship about you.
I agree 100%.
If you think there is a chance she may EVER find out about you sleeping with him, like say in the case the "jerk" and her break up and he spills the beans then, YOU should be the one to tell her. She'll probably be pretty upset at first that you took this long to let that out, but believe me she'll be more upset at the person that kept it from her. Don't get in a situation where he tells her because that could ruin your friendship.
It is about her. It's affecting her living situation and she feels as though its a triangle and there is tension, which is enough proof we need to believe her. You should've told your friend, I assume you didn't because you didn't think it was necessary and you didn't think they would get serious. Now that they are more serious it's going to sound worse like you were hiding it from her, but you should tell her. It might get her out of the relationship and mad at you, but it will probably come out anyway and since you were justified in sleeping with him (as in they weren't together) the fight between you two will probably end and hopefully he will be gone by the end of it. Another option is to talk to him, since you two think that sharing your little secret and talking behind her back is a good idea, and tell him to stop being a dick to her and clean up after himself. In that situation you'd keep your secret and hopefully clear up the consequences their relationship has on you.
Jesus, keep your fucking mouth shut. You're a jealous bitch who just wants to torpedo your roommate's relationship under the guise of saving her from some "mean" dude. You're a shallow, petty human being for even bringing this up, looking for someone to give you permission to be a complete asshole. You have no right to interfere with her relationship, especially by dropping a hateful bomb that does nothing but hurt other people (but would give you a nice secret jolt of smug satisfaction and superiority). Of course, even though no one will give you the pass you're seeking, we all know you're going to do it anyway, so go ahead. Just don't try to sugarcoat it as some altruistic act of a martyr.
I'll give her the pass she's seeking. If I were the roommate, I would want to know. And don't tell me "oh no you wouldn't you say you would now but you really wouldn't". I would really like to fucking know. I don't like being lied to and I can't understand why everybody assumes people like that?
You're not the roommate. If I were the roommate, I would not want to know. Neither of us can predict who the roommate is or what she would, hypothetically, want. What we can try to see is the reason the LW wants to confess. I simply cannot see how what she's doing is for the good of the roommate. Obviously she's not one who values honesty above all else (I don't either, I'm not judging--I think there are more important things at times)--or else she wouldn't have kept it a secret this easily for this long. I don't think she honestly wants to get with the guy, or is jealous of her roommate. I do think she believes that revealing this irrelevant information now will help the roommate see her boyfriend in a poorer light, and be more likely to leave him. This would be what I believe to be her intent, conscious or not. And I do not think it is a good idea.
I would want to know. And it would piss me off that someone kept it secret for so long. If it wasn't a big deal, then it wouldn't be a big deal to talk about it. Presumably the girl you live with knows that you have one night stands occasionally, and it would really upset me if someone I was close to kept an intimate relationship they had with someone else I was close to from me. But you might have missed that opportunity and could do more harm now than good by saying anything. You might as well keep your mouth shut and give her more credit. She can probably take care of herself. In the end, when she realizes he's a jerk, she'll appreciate the polite conversation you had about how you don't like how he treats her way more than the conversation about how you fucked him.
Tell her. Yes, she is wrong for dating a random guy she met at a bar but she should know about the lack of morals of the people she has chosen to live with and date.
How is she wrong for dating a guy she met at a bar? And what exactly makes the letter writer immoral?
MTJ, you must get really upset every time you read this site.
come on now, you don't meet very high quality people in bars much past the age of 25. hanging around in bars is immature. hanging around in bars trying to get laid is kinda sad and wrong
Says a man with the " name" of jockstrap.
It's not fair for two people so close to your friend to be keeping a secret from her. It's underhanded, and she deserves to know all the information that you and her boyfriend know. I'd say pull her aside and say, "Hey buddy, in the spirit of full disclosure, I want you to know that I shared a one-nighter with this guy. I wasn't sure if I should tell you before because I didn't want to spoil a good thing for you, but I think you deserve to know, and I want to assure you that nothing is going on there anymore."
If you don't think this guy is any good for your roomie, you still have to stay out of it until she asks for your counsel. It's her guy and her life and she needs to come to terms with his suckiness on his own. If he's affecting your shared space, however, that's something you can speak up about. Bring it up at a time when both the roommate and the guy are present, that way everyone is on the same page and nobody feels stuck-in-the-middle of a lovers/ex-lovers/roommate quarrel.
You should have told her to begin with, but now, it's going to be harder, because you're trying to combine it with a you-should-break-up message, and she's going to wonder what your real intentions are, and that will make you look like the bad person in all of this. So what you should do is whatever you would have done if you hadn't had that one-night stand. What would you tell roommate if this really were just some random guy?
Exactly. If you thought that the one-night stand factor were that important, you would've told her from the beginning, but you didn't, so it's really just irrelevant information that you're looking to use as extra ammunition for your real message. Since you've already decided it wasn't important enough to tell her back when you should have, you don't get to factor it in now, which really just makes your question "How do I tell my roommate I don't like her boyfriend?" And the answer is, it doesn't really matter, because no matter how you do it, she's going to hate you. Telling her that you lied when you pretended you'd never met her boyfriend before is just going to be the icing on the hatecake.
Mostly agreed, D. My only disagreement is this: If you present the things you don't like about the boyfriend to be obvious and fact-based ("I didn't like when he said X to me" or "he keeps leaving his shit around"), she will probably not be angry with you, and will be more likely to see you as reasonable. If you make them vague, personal attacks ("he's rude"), she will respect your opinion a lot less.
Wow, this is an awkward situation. I would try to think about it from your friend's point of view... does she really need to know? would she want to know? is she likely to thank you for telling her? My guess is No. You're going to have to tread carefully if you go down the road of telling her/insinuating they have a shitty relationship. If she really likes him and is therefore likely to believe his BS (sounds like it), he can very easily make you seem like that crazy bitch from "single white female" and you dont have much to defend yourself with. My guess is that if he really is a jerk, this is going to run it's course soon enough . I'd keep shtum and let him f it up for himself. Of course, if it does end badly and he tell hers out of spite, you might be in trouble, but at least he'll come off like a dick and you'll come off like a discreet friend that was caught between a rock and a hard place.
She'll come off as a bitch, not a discreet friend in a bad situation. Her friend doesn't need to know and certainly wouldn't thank her for telling, but she deserves to know and make the decision herself whether or not she still wants to be friends with a person who kept that from her. I might be alone in this, but I think when you're in a relationship with somebody, you should know who else has been in bed with them, it's relevant as far as I'm concerned.
Tell the truth and apologize that you didn't do it sooner.
This simple advice is the best.
Agreed. Pull the band-aid off fast and let the healing begin. It can only get worse, and harder to fix, if you wait.
What she doesn't know won't kill her. It's that simple. Keep your mouth shut about the one-night stand. Publicly confront him about his sloppiness and other character flaws in front of her (in the apartment). After all, you live there too and you have a right to speak up about how he's treating your living space and how he's treating your friend. But don't get into anything other than the stuff upsetting you currently. You can't come across as jealous in this, or she'll turn on you. You gave yourself a tightrope to walk across by not letting her know about the hookup the instant you found out she was with him. Now you have to navigate it. Good luck to you.
tell her, but make it about your feeling uncomfortable in your home, which you thought wouldn't be an issue, but, as it turns out, is. clearly, apologize profusely for not telling her before.
The question I always ask myself is whether or not I would want to know. And, if I found out, afer the fact, that my good friend and my boyfriend shared a secret that they kept me out of, I would feel like they had prioritized them and their relationship over their relationship with me. I never want anyone in my life sharing knowing glances, especially if their primary relationship is supposed to be with me. I imagine the reason you didn't tell her in the first place, if you are really honest with yourself, is because you were afraid how she would react and how that would make you feel. Certainly, you were trying to protect her feelings, but in doing so, you saved yourself a lot of drama and awkwardness too. If you had realized that a different friend had slept withthe guy she was now dating, would you have been so reluctant to tell her to spare her feelings? I suspect the answer to that is no.
So, now you have two issues. First, you have waited a bit too long to tell her you have seen her beau naked, and second, you don't like how he treats her. I suggest you come clean on the former and keep your mouth shut about the latter, for now. You need to tell her about the secret and why you kept it from her and let her know that your loyalty is with her, which is why you couldn't keep the information from her much longer.
If this information doesn't impact all of the relationships involved, and the guy still continues to be a jerk, be sympathetic to her and continue to encourage her to seek what is best for her. It sounds like she has self-esteem issues and I would recommend you encourage her to deal with those via a therapist, which will help her not only kick this bum to the curb, but prevent the need for similar "your boyfriend treats you like a dormat" conversations in the future.
There's no lying here. Why are so many people reading into this? No one is lying to the roommate. They're simply not telling her something that isn't any of her business anyway.
Don't tell your roommate because a) it's going to come off as sounding bitchy or jealous and b) if you were going to tell her, the time was right after they started dating - not months into it. You made your bed, now sleep in it.
You do, however, have a right to talk to her about the mess he's making of your home and the fact that he's rude to her. Just sit her down and calmly explain that when he's rude or mean to her, it makes you feel very uncomfortable. As a friend, you have a right to voice your concerns. You might want to talk to him, personally, about the mess part. Just ask him to clean up after himself when he's over. It's a pretty basic concept that most normal human beings understand.
After that, back off. Let her make her own decisions. If they break up and he goes batshit crazy and spills the beans about you two, well then just cross that bridge if/when you come to it.
Don't tell her. No need.
Speak to her about your concerns, such as the fact that he's a jerk and doesn't stand up for himself. There's no reason for her to know about the one-night stand. That's just a crazy coincidence, no one did anything wrong and no one could have predicted how it would turn out. Hopefully she'll wise up, realize he's a jerk and get rid of him and the one night stand won't have to come into play. Ever. There's no reason for your relationship with her to get weird.
Do what you need to do to make yourself happy. He leaves his stuff around? Bad. Thus, break them up the only way you know how. Tell her.
Nope. It happened before your roommate hooked up with him. Let sleeping dogs lie.
You're framing this wrong; it's not an issue of "I should have told her so she wouldn't end up with this jerk". It's simple: you find their relationship dysfunctional, and, moreover, inconvenient for you. He's sloppy, he's rude to her, and the fact that you two have already slept together make you uncomfortable. By choosing to tell her now, your motive is not the same as what it would have been at the beginning of their relationship. Your motive is to alleviate your own guilt and to get him out of your space. Both are selfish. So go ahead and tell her, but prepared to deal with a hurt friend who's going through a break up that you induced.
OMG, this is so simple. You're over-thinking the whole thing.
a) Acquire two nice bottles of red or white wine, whichever your roommate prefers.
b) When you get half way through the first bottle, break down in your own tears
c) Confess your first lie, beg for forgiveness and pour the rest of the first bottle
d) Quickly open the 2nd bottle (unless you had it breathing already)
e) By the time you're done with the 2nd bottle, she should be your BFF and realize she's in a doomed relationship (the boyfriend, if he'd been honest, would have told her the truth)
f) Make sure you have some instant bake cinnamon rolls for the morning and strong coffee, bring your roomie coffee in bed and tell her how wonderful she is
Done.
jijio
999
Three separate issues as I see it from a guy's perspective. First, your past sex life is not related to this, unless he drags this up as he's getting kicked out of the relationship. Second, the guy's treatment of your roommate and third his treatment of your place. Go out with your roommate, and over some alcohol, tell here about your concerns about his treatment of your place. Ask her is she also wants to hear your opinion re the guy's treatment of her. If not, you have done your duty and leave it alone. If so, tell her but leave your ONS out of it.
and then when she finds out that they slept together before, she'll think her room mate was telling her to leave the guy to have him for herself and there goes that friendship. women are dumb. logic does not compute!
If she can't figure out that he's a jerk (which has nothing to do with a one-night stand with you),then that is her problem. If she asks you for advice or help, give it to her. I guarantee that if and when they break up, the jerk (if he is as bad as you say) will let her know about his one-nighter with you for spite.
I dont know why you dont confront the guy about your issues right then and there when it happens. If he is treating her like crap, call him on it. If he is leaving his stuff around the house, call him on it. If he complains, tell him to start paying rent, its that simple. I dont see a need for a private one-on-one conversation with the roommate, your issue is with him, not her.
BTW, when they break up and they will, trust that he will be sure to tell her about the one-night stand. If he treats her like crap while they are together, she will get 10 fold that during a break-up.
If he really is a jerk she'll eventually chuck him and you'll be in the clear! Just grin and bear it till then.
I think it's a good idea. People need to make their own mistakes to learn. Worry about it if the pair get engaged, and then go crazy biatch on them. In the meantime, enjoy a nice cocktail, find something else to focus on.
She'd want to know, but telling her now comes off as you getting back at him because you're upset with how he's around more.
Don't tell, move out.
Menage.
make everyone happy, Have a Threesome!
This all about you right? She and him are not paying attention to you, (and worse are happy for now) so you must change that. Whatever you decide, make sure it is dramatic and makes everyone around you sad, depressed or angry. I mean that is what being a woman is all about right?
Ah college years. Everyone sleeping with everyone else. Good times. Good times. Just propose the ménage à trois and get it over with. $hit's gonna hit the fan eventually, might as well go out with a bang.
Tell her. There are no secrets, everything comes out eventually.
Besides, there's a pattern. First, the guy left his stuff in your space. Now he's leaving his stuff in your space. You're still getting fucked, but without the fun. If your roommate wants her boyfriend around, then everyone should be on the same page and Mr. Angry should be accountable to both of the people paying for the house he's in. Of course, now you'll get the "Why didn't you tell me?" question, but that's going to come up anyway because, yeah, you didn't say anything. Why didn't you say anything? Because it was more uncomfortable for you than for your friend. You were right in the first place -- she should know. At least have the courage to take that card out of Mr. Angry's hand, so that he can't play it himself later.
That this impulse is coming from the fact that you don't like him is a little crappy, but whatever. We're all a little crappy sometimes. Life goes on and no one should judge too harshly. Besides, your heart might have been in the right place. And he, too, is hardly innocent. So give your friend the same knowledge that the other two share.
What's with the misogyny in these comments? The person who advised you to not make the relationship about you has a good point. But the douchebag who said "that is what being a woman is all about" should go find a good man and have some really intense sex.
you have to be kidding, people have nothing better to worry about these days
i think she's just hating on her roommate because the guy wanted to see more or her rather then tossed her in the trash like some left out takeout like he did her.
Here's the problem. First it is not a secret or you wouldn't be stewing over this. It is a matter of privacy. And what's happening as the relationship becomes more serious, you're thinking this unimportant fact is possibly becoming important and thus what has been a matter of privacy may now be becoming a lie of omission. I think you should hold yourself to your own standard, not what you think her standards are. If this fact is unimportant, keep it private. If this fact is becoming important/relevant or it's really continuing to bug you, tell her and move on. You can't control her reaction. And if you don't know if it's important or not, well you're simply fakaked and just have to make a decision and move on anyway.
Legitimate complaining about the guy leaving a mess and being a dick to your friend has NOTHING to do with whether you slept with him before or not. Call him out on it. Or not. Just don't conflate things that aren't related at all. You make a false assumption she'd not be with this guy if she knew early on you'd slept with him, and it stems from the false premise that banging him has anything to do with whether she should be with him in any capacity.
You should have told her to begin with. Not because she has a right to know, or would want to know (she doesn't, and she probably wouldn't), but because this is the kind of secret that doesn't keep. You did nothing wrong in sleeping with him, but you betrayed her by making a pact of secrecy with her boyfriend. Or at least, she will see it that way. Now you are stuck. If you didn't have this past relationship with her bf, you absolutely could and should bring up your concerns about him to her. But since you DO have this past relationship with him, anything you now say about his character is going to be interpreted by her as jealousy/spite if the secret ever gets out. Which it will. Once you start talking smack about the bf, trust that it'll get back to him, and he will get back at you by telling her about your past. Then you look like a manipulative bitch on top of a secret-keeping-bitch. There's only one way out of this bad situation: tell her about the one night stand. Don't tell her you don't like the guy. Apologize for not telling her sooner. And start looking for a new place to live.
Tell her before it's too late. Actually it probably is too late - you're friendship is over and soon her relationship will be over. You both will be stuck with one night stands and be single the rest of your lives.
Poop in her purse, when she confronts you, explain that you had a threesome with this guy months ago and you gave him the STDs. If she acts confused, just throw your hands up and run out the door screaming, "This is just like something you would do!" and cry.
I agree. Sometimes in a purse, you have to poop to get your point across.
Easily the best thing I've ever read on Hooksexup.
Honesty is good. When I'm seeing someone I want to know all about them. At the same time if you know it'll hurt her then don't do it. It's not your business what happens between them. You don't like her boyfriend and that's a completely separate matter. A lot of people don't like their friend's partners but have enough class to not try to break them up, which you've stated is the goal here. If you are a good person you will stay out of your friend's relationship, because it is what she wants. Him having had a one night stand with you is not an offense to break up over, as none of a persons previous sexual encounters should matter in any relationship. Lying about it is something worse, for which you are every bit as guilty as he is, but you came to that decision together. Break it to her together to be fair. Otherwise you're being a giant jerk to them both.
You really didn't do anything wrong! You slept with this guy well before your friend started dating him, and it's not like there were any feelings involved... no harm in that. I don't see any reason to tell her, but if you really feel compelled, then let her know. It'd be silly for her to get pissed as you did nothing wrong, but in the event that she does because she feels like you lied by omission, then let her know how bad you feel about it and reassure her that the only reason you didn't let her know is because she really seemed to like him and it just didn't seem worth it to "mess it up" by informing her about the situation.... but only tell her if you feel riddled with guilt, don't tell her JUST so that she'll break up with him because YOU think he's a bad guy. People sometimes go through phases where they have crappy boyfriends, in time she will come to the realization that she can do better and will do something about it herself... you won't be doing her a service by letting her know about your history with him...really, if it were me I'd just take it to the grave.
confess to your friend that you're a lesbian and you're in love with her.
convert her to be a lesbian, she will dump him and you two will enjoy great lesbian sex.
There is a lot of wrong going on here.
It is unacceptable to take a clearly biased view of this girl saying he is a Jerk.
That is an opinion of you and you alone, a new guy has monopolised the spare time of your friend and your jealous whether you believe it or not he may not be as bad as your subliminal selfishness.
The same state happens to protective parents when their child moves on, a child when a step parent enters the picture and yes a best friend when a romantic partner enters the picture.
Put that aside , is your "FRIEND"!! content?
leave her be
you left it too late the window is closed,
if their relationship continues to a certain point he will tell her and they will have their argument
If you tell her now or he tells her in future, then same result, you will be viewed as a tramp and to the girl you refer as a "prude" your relationship may be over anyway "prude and tramp" is like chalk and cheese.
Q: Should I tell her?
A: No, never.
The fact that you slept with him and the fact that you feel like he's a jerk are two completely separate issues; don't mix them.
Talk to her about the current issues, and leave the past in the past. Also keep in mind that how he treats her and how she responds is between the two of them, not really your business. You can let her know how you feel about it, but then back off and let them work it out. His leaving a mess in your apartment is most definitely your business, and I would press that issue.
Been in this situation and what you should have done is told her right away. If she's a good friend she won't care and you can always explain you didn't tell her right away because it was irrelevant at the time and he didn't mean anything to you. If you don't tell her the douche will eventually use it against you and I'm sure she would be really upset if she finds out from him and not her best friend. She really shouldn't give a fuck because it happened in the past and you don't like him and he does not like you. Man up and tell her asap.
Chance for a 3 way perhaps!!
Wow, girls really are fuckin stupid... Lamest post ever.
Sluts lol
Girls like you are how herpes get's around.
Stop being so selfish. You are concerned because you think he treats her poorly? Have you considered what she wants? I used to be Mr. Nice Guy and treated my girlfriends like queens and got dumped on or cheated on regularly. Fortunately, a few years back I discovered the futility of my approach. Now I act as if I could give a damn, hit the gym semi-regularly, and ape the alpha male signals. The response has been unexpectedly overwhelming.
If she's with him, and he's kind of a jerk, it's because she wants to be with a guy who's kind of a jerk. Stop being such a stereotype, acknowledge the dichotomy between what women say they want and what they actually respond to, and let her make her own decision.
I want sleep with you only once is it possible
simply stick a pair of your dirty panties into the guys jacket pocket then acuse him of being a perv who stole them, they'll prob break up over it, job done.
I wouldn't worry too much. Just be a good friend and inform her of all the red flags you noticed in the guy -https://www.redflag101.com/damaged-goods-story/
That way she'll have a better understanding of what she's getting into and therefore will be able to make her own decisions. It's better than her finding out later and emotionally giving you all the blame. Nice article by the way.
Dont tell her.
If things were going great and if he was an incredible guy and a perfect gentleman to you- you wouldn't say anything. You would be happy for your friend and you would be the bridesmaid at her wedding.
Now that things are going well and now that you find out he's a jerk, you have the urge to tell her. I think this is more of your own disappointment that you hooked up with this guy. Just let your roommate deal and break it off. She has to grow her own pair.
In a couple of years, you guys should get drunk and then confess. That's the right time- not now. You'll argue, you'll laugh, you'll hookup (ok- that's more my fantasy) but it will be cool.
Tell her. If the situation were reversed, would you want to know? ....I would.
If for some reason your aren't friends as a result - at least you did the right thing. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.
Why is everyone getting their knickers in a twist about the boyfriend possibly telling the friend about their one-night-stand if they split up? You've lied to your friend about it once and I strongly suggest that should that occur, you continue to lie. She will believe you, not him.
See, here's the thing. Telling someone the truth when all it will do is cause them pain is extraordinarily selfish. The only reason people do it is to assuage their own guilt, and it does nothing to improve the relationship or the other person's life. The grown up thing to do is keep quiet and live with the secret and the attending guilt, because yes, you should have told her before, but now it's too late.
And as for telling your friend what you think of the guy? No, no, no, an a thousand times no. Yes, take her out and talk to her, ask her how she's doing, is she happy, how she feels about him etc, but it's not your job to tell her how her relationship is going. And if she does tell you she isn't feeling great about it, be diplomatic. I'm sure we've all been there when you agree with the nasty things someone says about their boyfriend and they decide to break up with him. Next thing you know, he's talked her out of it and she's making out like the whole thing was your fault.
You haven't done anything wrong apart from not tell her about the one-night-stand, which in my opinion you did for the noblest of reasons. So just live with it, live with her and get on with it. And with the both of them.