Miss Information
My boyfriend's spending all his time playing video games and pays no attention to me. How can I get him back?
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. I thought that he might be the one, but lately we've grown apart because he has become totally obsessed with video games. Every night when he gets home from work, all he wants to do is play video games, and he stays up until two or three a.m. every night to play, instead of coming to bed with me. It is killing our relationship and our sex life. I love him, but he seems unwilling to give up on his games even though I've voiced my displeasure. I don't want to dump him, but it's seeming increasingly like that's the only solution. What can I do?
— The Legend of Zelda
Dear Zelda,
This is actually a common problem. The video games in this situation are almost immaterial; they're placeholders, a kind of numbing mechanism. So many of us have mechanisms like that. Sitting down in front of marathons of Queer as Folk or falling asleep with your face in the blue glow of Netflix: these are distractions to keep us from our own mental processes. It's human. It happens. But hopefully, it doesn't cause us to self-destruct or push away our loved ones.
The good news is that your boyfriend's gaming isn't by any means unusual. The real question is its extremity: why does he prioritize games over his relationships? It may be that he's going through trouble at work, and the achievement-based linearity of video games makes him feel better about himself. It may be that his self-esteem is fragile and, rather than live in his head, he wants something to distract him. It may also be that video games help him unwind, and he gets so absorbed that he doesn't think of the harm they're doing.
You say that this is a "recent" change, which bodes well; it may be a simple phase, rather than some disagreeable new shift in priorities. In figuring out what's really going on, a conversation can do wonders. So ask him about it. Start by telling him that you feel neglected and that the distance is harming your relationship. Tell him you want him back in the concrete, non-magical world. Then listen and support, but hold him to it.
While excessive gaming seems like a silly reason to break off a three-year-old union, if he's unable or unwilling to shift his energies back into the relationship, then the issue is bigger than just Dead Rising. Kindly and non-judgmentally remind him that there are castles in the real-world that need securing, too.
Dear Miss Info,
I've been on-and-off dating a girl for a little over a year now. She's younger than me and still in school, whereas I graduated a few years ago and am now living in New York City. I know I love her, but she's got two more years left of school before she graduates. Meanwhile I've got a career, friends my own age, and places to go on weekends. It seems wrong to break up when everything is going well, but the next two years of her life will be spent on a campus, and that life is behind me. Every time I visit her, I feel like I'm regressing, and I think she can sense it. Is the fact that I'm older and want to experience new things reason enough to break up with her?
— Quad-robber
Dear Quad-robber,
Far be it from me to tell you whether to break up — people certainly have made trickier situations work. But, relationships can only work when they support your growth, not hinder it. The last two years of college are fairly intensely formative years, and so are the young-professional-in-a-new-town years, as I'm sure you're well aware.
In general, I'm a pretty big advocate of the Airplane Emergency approach to relationships: stabilize yourself first, then help the person closest to you. (Note: Bag may not inflate, even though oxygen is flowing.) Your admission that you "want to experience new things" is the most telling part here. While a collegiate/post-collegiate romance is certainly possible, it sounds like your dedication to the idea is wavering. Which is fine! But that's a voice you should listen to. It brings us back to the idea of not sacrificing yourself at the altar of "making a relationship work" If you know you want new experiences, but you suppress that so as not to rock the boat, it will only work for so long before those desires fester into resentment.
Do some soul-searching and see what feels most honest to you. Ultimately, the most honest choice is the best choice for this relationship. And in fact, your girlfriend may be feeling some version of these concerns, too. Talk to her and see where things go.
Commentarium (58 Comments)
You can't "get him back". He was never there in the first place. Get a new boyfriend.
narrow-minded much?
I don't think mikee's thoughts are narrow-minded. that's narrow minded.
Actually mikee's view is rather narrow minded and doesn't take into account the fact that Zelda stated it is a recent development.
As a gamer, over the years a few games have come along which have caught my attention and have been particularly addicting, but my gaming comes in short bursts and usually last no longer than it takes for me to either finish the game or get bored of it, neither of which takes long. And the fact is that there just aren't enough games that are good enough to make it a constant problem.
@Zelda: by all means talk to him about it, but don't jump to hasty action too quickly. Chances are he'll soon be crawling back into bed, wondering how he ever preferred killing those hookers over sleeping with you.
No.1 Lose him.
No.2 Break up with her. Your lives are in different places. And they will be in different places two years from now.
Is it wrong that I was thinking the same exact thing as I read both situations? I typically believe in working things out but it seems so much easier just to let go for both situations.
Is Zelda completely blameless? Maybe he's not running to the game console, he's running away from her. Or maybe he's just a [body part].
Which body part? Ear? Spleen? Elbow? The suspense is killing me!
How long has the obsessive gaming been going on? I've never let gaming hurt a relationship, but I, and many guys, go through phases where they become obsessed with a new game for a bit, then spend less time on it later. You do need him to moderate his gaming NOW, but also realize, his obsession will probably lessen over time whether you do anything or not. And so the whole issue should get easier. Unless he's REALLY lost. Or unless it's World of Warcraft
;)
--Kevin
Boyfriend #1 needs a wakeup call.
Step 1: Tell him he needs to stop spending ALL his time playing video games. Tell him you're okay with him playing an hour or two when he gets home, but he needs to be an adult and live in the real world for the rest of the night. I play games myself, but spending 8+ hours a day playing video games also probably means he isn't contributing to the household in any way and isn't taking good care of himself either.
Step 2: If step 1 is ineffective, or he relapses, you need to take some drastic measures. Make plans with friends for an evening out of the house, maybe watching movies - not drinking! You probably won't be able to handle the rest of this plan drunk. Don't tell him about it in advance. I'm sure that you can probably manage to leave the house without him noticing too. If he does notice, eventually, that you've been gone, and calls you, pick up. Tell him you're out and you'll be home shortly and you'll talk to him when you get back. Stay out with your friends another half hour or so and then go home. Sit him down and tell him that as long as he's playing video games like this, where it's ALL he's doing, you're effectively single, and you're going to start acting like it if he doesn't shape up. Point out that you didn't ask him to completely stop playing games. Next time he exceeds the 2-hours of gaming rule, get dolled up and leave the house. If he calls you within an hour, pick up, otherwise, ignore his calls until you're ready to come home. DON'T actually hook up with anyone the first time you do this...and if there's a second time, break up with him.
this passive aggressive game-playing is SUCH bad advice.
Some of the worst advice I've ever seen put down in writing.
It's advice like this that makes people think women are manipulative
A) Don't do this. B) He won't notice if you do. C) Give it six months then leave.
Did a new game just come out? When new games come out, my partner and I often go incommunicado (we do live together). As we are both gamers, we understand and give each other the space. When said game is finished (in my case; he never finishes anything!) we resume normal activities. We still try to have at least an hour of downtime in bed during these peak periods, however, just to reconnect and adjust our sleep schedule.
I've had partners like No 1, who haven't understood the siren call of the game and it has definitely led to some frooooooooooosty nights between both of us as their ragging on me only made me feel bitter. I felt like "hey, why can't I stay up all night and play games sometimes? I'm a fucking adult!" I was younger and less awesome at communicating, obviously, so that led to part of the bitterness on my part. I think if more firm lines where drawn, not ultimatums but something we could both agree on to do for ourselves outside of the game world, that may have helped. I should note; have never been in MMOs or anything like that, just traditional games with beggining/end.
Not saying that's what is going on here at all, of course, just adding in with a different perspective of someone who has been on the other side.
i have a boyfriend of three years who is extremely addicted to video games. he used to play until 3 a.m; he used to play world of warcraft, and we used to have frosty nights...just like everyone has described up here. and i've tried everything. the lesson i've learnt is that it won't stop. we've talked about it a lot. and fought about it a lot.
the best i've achieved after two years of living with a gamer is no more World of warcraft, a super-strict midnight deadline, and it's his duty to do the dishes. which sounds like a lot, but it's not because i still have conversations with someone who has headphones on. ultimately i've decided to not let it bother me. because otherwise we would be fighting everyday. would i leave him because of this? definitely not.
WoW is just awful, seriously, in terms of getting people addicted. I had a close friend who, no joke, picked up WoW when he went off crack as a replacement addiction. Obviously he was an easily addicted guy, but that shit can seriously ruin lives. The difference between video games like Red Dead Redemption and games like WoW is so vast it's hard to imagine why they're in the same category.
Basically, I'd say: if it's a regular game, either 1. he's just really into it and it'll die down, or 2. he's just using it to get away from, well, you. If it's WoW, or a similar MMO, shit might be legitimately fucked. Consider getting the hell out of there. We all feel bad for junkies, but you can't take it upon yourself to fix him.
Far be it from me to criticize Miss Info, the wisest person I don't know, but is it possible he just really likes to play video games? Her comparison to falling asleep with Netflix hits close to home, admittedly, but can't an obsession be an obsession without masking something else?
That paragraph actually annoyed the hell out of me. I know there's a big distance between "I enjoy video games" and "video games broke up my relationship," but it did sound like she was saying that you can't be serious about art (film, video games, whatever) without having some paralyzing insecurity.
It was pretty judgmental... As if extroverts aren't avoiding introspection by having people around them all the time.
Thanks Jeffrey. If ever I throw an ice cream social, you're invited.
I'm sorry y'all felt judged, but, to me, that's not what that paragraph meant. Hell, we all avoid things on a daily basis, but not normally to a level that causes problems. Admission: QaD marathoning, Netflix-sleeping are wholly autobiographical. Do I avoid things? For sure. Do I think you need to spend every day in mirror-gazing, journaling introspection? Ugh, no. It's a matter of balance. And, in the case of Zelda's bf, that balance has come undone. I would assume that neither you, @dude, or @ft have become unbalanced, so to you I say, game (or read or watch tv or knit or dance yourself stupid) on.
Dump him Zelda! It'll never get better. Gamers have no life, except for their games. They don't know how to go out and interact with people in the real world. Find a guy who wants to take you out to dinner, to the movies and theatre, and who wants to have sex with you!
Don't listen to any of the loser gamers who say "Oh, it's just because there's a new game out...he'll cut down his time on that game in a while" because while that's probably true, they're not telling you that there's always a new game coming out! So he'll cut down his time with this game...only to spend all his time on the next game!
Dump the loser!!!
Well...that's kind of ignorant, and a huge stereotype. If he were watching True Blood or The Sopranos obsessively would you have reacted the same way, "gamers are losers?" Probably not. It's a distraction, and a fun way to spend some time, and is more "interactive" than being dead to the world watching a show. There's something else at play here besides him being a "loser gamer." The girlfriend needs to talk to him about it and question more, and they both need to make compromises.
Yes, thanks for that "Gamers are Losers". Does it pain you to be such a narrowminded fool?
I used to know people who would watch TV noon to night and I'm certain no one would ever say "TV watchers are losers!". Sometimes I go to the films quite a lot, but no one says "Moviegoers are losers!". Sometimes I go out for dinners quite a lot but no one says "People who eat out are losers!".
And yes, new games do come out but does this mean that every game that comes out is worthy of playing? Anyone worth their salt will tell you GOD NO.
Absolutely agree this is not about games or gamers as such. I'm not a gamer (at all - I'm wretchedly crap actually) but it is pretty clear to me that gardening, knitting and reading Proust can be all be cop-outs from life too. This is not a "high culture good / low culture bad" issue it's a "neglecting and possibly avoiding my relationship" issue. It might not be anything more than an obsession but it's doing harm regardless.
Anyone in this conversation ever heard of the phrase "couch potato"? Seriously? Dee, you said "I used to know people who would watch TV noon to night and I'm certain no one would ever say 'TV watchers are losers!'." Um, they are, and a lot of people call them such. That's what a couch potato is. The hate for people who waste their time playing video games or watching TV all the time is equal. You're all couch potatoes. Also, you have different values and different goals in life than the people who call you that. There's nothing wrong with following that lifestyle, you just better be prepared to face that name calling and judgment because it's coming. And guess what: It's just as justified as your argument against it.
Also, tuswraith, your comparing watching a specific show to playing video games is a little screwy. It's difficult to compare across media like that because of the nature of the addiction. TV shows are addicting but usually come with an expiration date. Plus, they're easier to share with someone. If it were TV shows this person was originally complaining about, the answer to all her problems would be "shut up, sit down and enjoy the programs with him." But video games are different, less easy to share.
seriously, all the people hating on gamers are incredibly narrow-minded. that any of you choose to call yourselves progressive is astonishing. video games are an emerging medium, no different than television, cinema, and recorded music once were. the reason you hear so much hatred from the traditional news outlets toward video games is because they're losing market share to them. it's just another form of entertainment. i hardly doubt you'd tell a guy in a 3 year relationship who felt like his girlfriend read too many books that he should dump her because "she was never there to begin with" or that "everybody who reads books is a loser." Seriously.
What is a "book"?
;)
I think the difference is that books, although not all books, are a medium to get ideas out into the world. Video games don't do this as much. They're basically just imaginary goals you attain, rather than new knowledge or ideas. And yes, if someone read books from when they got home from work until they fell asleep every night, you S.O. would definitely still be pissed.
@T:
I don't think you play many video games. Although this goes back to the divergence in types of games I was talking about before, most modern games are vehicles for ideas and stories. There's been a lot between Pac-Man and L.A. Noire.
@ T, I'm agreed w/dude. You're playing the wrong video games (if any). You not only have a disproportional view of what video games are, but may also may an inflated and lofty sense of what books are.
T, I love books. I really do. I consider myself a massive word nerd and am vastly engaged by some really amazing stories. But I've been the library lately. There is a lot of dreck there. Do you know Mitch Albom? What a massive tool. That stuff is just pure sentimental garbage meant to only tug at heartstrings and sell books. What about the other shitty novels that people gobble up because they're a.) fun and b.) easy to read. Not because they're going to "learn" something.
There is no be all end all medium that is somehow better than the other. Books have been around for much longer than games, so they have that advantage of being an old art form.
I've been terribly engaged in video games and I've been engaged in the storytelling that comes with some of them. Some of them are mindless, some of them are not. Same with any other artistic or entertainment medium. i.e. Films, books, plays.
Words to live by: Everything in moderation. If you plan on getting engrossed in a video game, don't do it every night after you get out of work to the point where you avoid all other human contact. Especially if you're lucky enough to be in a relationship. If you shut down, you'll find yourself single. So moderate your need to play and compromise with your significant other. Let them know you want to play, let them know you'll be pretty much unresponsive, but also remember you have someone in your life looking for a connection to you. That person can't be forgotten. If they are, don't go crying when the relationship ends.
I am a male and I stopped playing video games at around 19. Learn to chose your partners more wisely. I blame women like this for the problem of "man-childs" and forever-adolescent males. Sex with good looking women, who are probably independent, and all the fringe benefits.
So women are responsible for male immaturity? Are there any flaws in the male sex for which men are responsible?
Are women responsible in the traditional sense, of course not. However, if you reinforce or enable the behavior than there is a degree of responsibility. If a man is in a relationship with a woman who let's say is insecure about whatever, he can compound that issue. For example, I know women who went from being very conscious of their appearance, specifically their weight, to having a very serious eating disorder. The guy was a jerk and I personally witnessed many instances of him nudging her "down that road."
There is a commercial for some male "body spray" where two beautiful women are waiting for their boyfriends to finish playing a video game. She is overwhelmed by a convenient sense of nostalgia brought on by the "body spray." Her discontent is pacified by romanticized memories of the past. I found this commercial problematic for several reasons. On th eguys in the commercial: Why does the BF get a free pass based off of what he did in the past? Is it a chore to be with your woman? Are video games more entertaining than your woman or are you just taking her for granted? Why are these two beautiful women waiting?
They're waiting because it was probably an Axe commercial which is the worst sort of dreck out there. If you think an Axe commercial has anything to say about gender relations, then welcome to the future, time traveler.
Wait, uhhuh, does Axe not work on you? That's weird. I've started carrying around about four different outfits, because I keep tearing mine off: on the subway, on the walk to work, in the supermarket. I keep writing Axe to demand that they replenish my wardrobe, but so far all I've gotten are a few Cease and Desists.
Zelda, ask him if the game has a two-player mode. Then, when you want to stop, he has to stop, too. :-) OK, actually, if this is a multi-player type game, where he's playing a character amongst many other people around the net also playing characters, it might be the case where the other characters are relying on him being there, which makes it more of an obligation. That would explain why he feels he has to spend so much time on it. You're letting him. Stop it. He needs to realize that there are also obligations in the real world. ("The bad guy got away? Bummer. Come have sex!")
Hey, really great advice, Miss Info. Concise, non-judgmental and helpful.
I think you are right that anything that begins to occur in place of life is usually masking something, whether the gamer is aware of it or not. Maybe instead of trying to convince boyfriend to drop the video games, girlfriend can plan a few incredibly awesome after-work activities. Boyfriend gets to decide on his own whether or not he wants to go, but maybe after a few weeks of seeing that the outside world is also stimulating (love the line about the castles, Miss Info), he will cut back on the video games on his own. This might be more effective than if he thinks he is being "forced." If he doesn't want to participate, no big deal... you're out having fun and it might clear your head and make you re-evaluate what you want in a partner.
A lot of the comments here are really just based in stereotypes, and it’s fine if that’s how you want to live your life – being a person who makes bold, sweeping statements without really knowing anything about what it is you’re discussing – but then recognize that you’re judging, recognize that you’re using stereotypes . No matter what the specifics are, not all people who enjoy (insert activity here) are necessarily (stereotypical assumption here).
There's a reason stereotypes exist. It isn't because they're generally false. Just sayin...
Being black & gay, I have to say I agree.
I don't play games much now, but there have been times when I played quite a bit. I personally noticed that my sex drive diminished when I played a lot. Enough that I noticed and said hmmmm... that's interesting. Made me wonder whether the game was somehow tickling the same part of the brain that governs the "urge". It also made me cut down in playing. Games are fun, but hey, sex is sex.
The second guy needs to break up with this girlfriend who is still in college if he isn't thinking anything serious or for the long haul. Some people are cut out for these awkward times where the couple are in different stages in their life and others are not.
If you think about all the people who go to school for longer than 4 years for med school, vet school, law school, go for their masters, military, travel, etc etc, a lot of people still make it through with their significant other. You just have to have the patience and truly love the person to make it work. And I think life is just a bunch of awkward phases anyways, so why the hell does it matter? But hey, that's just my 2 cents.
Honestly, the easiest way to find out what's really going on in the case of #1 is to either take away the TV before he gets to it one night and hold it hostage until he hears what the person is saying, or get the remote, or stand in front of the tv and don't move even while he's playing. Get his attention. Then, after you make it firm that you don't appreciate being ignored to this extreme, he either smartens up or you know what you have to do. It's fairly simple, and not passive aggressive. No, this plan is straight aggressive and could cause a fight. But if you two are in different places in your lives, it's not going to work much longer and the passive aggressive games might come out if needs aren't fulfilled. Then there's a big problem. It's important to note that if you do end up taking the TV away from him, you need to give it back as soon as you're done making your point, or it does turn into a game. It's a fine line. The point is get attention, which is what you're not getting and has caused you to write to Hooksexup.
As for #2, it has been said here plenty of times: end the relationship. You're only going to cheat on her anyway, because it's in the language used in the letter. It doesn't matter how committed you are to her, she has two whole years left of college and you're in a new city. The biggest city in the country. Find someone closer to you. Then, if she gets done with school and is still interested in you and you're single, rekindle it. It's that old cliche: If you love her let her go. If she comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, she never was. Hard to do in real life because it means not having that security blanket to fall back on (or in this case, fall on), but it's almost necessary to move the relationship forward. As long as you're honest in your intentions, you should at least be able to remain friends with her if she's interested.
I worked in the video game industry for three years. It's basically our generation's weed. It makes you numb and apathetic and amused. The levels he's playing at strike me as a compulsion. Have him watch the movie Second Skin, which deals with these issues very well. Ultimately, they have to learn to scale it back, sell their system (I did) or start losing things that matter to them, i.e. you.
When I found the right girl I almost stopped playing computer games. She works on saturday mornings so I get some in then but really when we are together we are together. :) You can blame video games but whenever I was actually playing them a lot in a relationships before it was because it was the better option. Those relationships were starting to fall over.
@zelda~
I think it's actually a good thing for him to become absorbed in something else, you have been together for 3 years, and not to be a downer or offensive, it's like his way of taking a vacation from the relationship life, we all need one, and we all do it, and it's healthy to do so. Don't freak out too much, let him know it's okay and be understanding. The more problems while he's on his mental break, the more likely it will result in something bad like losing feelings and such.
My boyfriend is a constant gamer. He was a huge gamer before I met him too, he goes through phases where he gets a new game, become obsessed for a few weeks, then loses interest, and he's all mine for some time, then he gets another game, and become obsessed...and on and on. Though during those weeks where he's so into a particular game, he would always stop when I ask him, but I usually just let him be.
Get rid of the computer and tell him you pawned it for therapy.
Dear Z...
I understand that after three years, the newness of the relationship has worn off. A routine develops. And a man can glimpse the long tunnel leading out before him of semi-monotony, rigid monogamy, and slave-wagery...all leading him to become a bit blue; even withdrawn. Video games are marvelous distractions from this kind of internal self-doubt and angst. But they are not the cure.
You'll need to get him talking to you about how he sees his days. How did work go? Is someone giving him a pain in the behind? What does he do? Does he like his job? What would he *rather* do? Do this in short bursts, then let him go back to his pixelated placebo.
Are there things you can do to help him out of this rut? If so, offer them when he is in a listening mood. Above all, do not try to "parent" him by setting limits on his play time. That would link you to a negative feeling. He must make the choice to come out of this shell. Stick with this for as long as you are willing, but know that some men just don't work out in the long run.
H54swO Comrade kill yourselfff
AFAICT you've covered all the bases with this anwesr!
MJlw2O npflkkixjwxz
Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and been living together for the past year. He's 25 and I'm 20. He's always been a big video gamer and it had gotten to the point a few times I would drive three hours to see him for just a few hours and I'd be sitting on the bed and he'd be on his xbox playing cod. We had a few arguments about how I feel like he'd rather spend his time on that than with me. Since we moved in last year he's kinda let it go a bit but sometimes went back to the same thing andlately he started up again full blown. He just recently got a job and is in between transferring schools. He comes home and plays. He gets up and plays. He got up today at 9:30 and has been playing since 10, it is now 4:00. I tried talking to him and he looked at me and said "really, this again?" and proceeded to ignore me. Anyway we have rescued 3 dogs and 8 cats....don't judge :) he doesn't help with any of them, I feed them, walk them, clean them, take the out for the bathroom, clean the house, do the shopping and I've asked dozens of times to just get off his butt and help and stop focusing on this video game crap. I don't care if he plays but not all day and to the point its ruining a relationship...please help!!
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