Savage Love

“I’m bi. How do I tell the straight girls I date without scaring them off?” 

By Dan Savage

I’m a twenty-three-year-old male who has never been in a relationship. I have had many crushes but never the courage to go ask anyone out. I dread rejection. Compounding this problem: I might be bisexual. I’m afraid to reveal this to anyone. Some girls might be okay with it at first, but they are likely to leave me later for fear that I could actually be gay — and those are the girls who would even consider dating a bisexual guy in the first place.

I’ve wasted twenty-three years of my life because of my fear of being rejected — by everyone, including my conservative family. Any advice?

— Hopefully Not Hopeless

Buck up, HNH.

Most people don’t start dating until their late teens, HNH, so you haven’t wasted twenty-three years. You’ve wasted five or six years — eight on the outside. And your “wasted years” weren’t entirely wasted, were they? Presumably you were doing something more than pining away and jerking it between fifteen and twenty three — you were getting an education, seeing a movie now and then, having a decent meal once in a while, etc.

Overcoming your paralyzing fear of rejection is something for which you may need the help of a therapist and a pharmacist. But you don’t have to be on meds to hear this: Rejection is a big and necessary part of romance. Getting a “yes” from someone we asked out, asked to peg us, asked to marry us, etc., wouldn’t be meaningful if we got a “yes” from everyone we proposed marriage and/or pegging to, right?

As for your bisexuality…

Men — gay, straight, bi — tend to be huge sluts. So if you want to get a little experience, check your same-sex fantasies against same-sex realities, and make your first moves on people who are less likely to reject you, then you should hit on some horny, hard-up gay or bi dudes.

You should also head to bisexual websites and online forums for insight, advice, and support. A good place to start is www.binetusa.org. There are lots of bi folks out there who’ve come out to their conservative families, who’ve overcome their fear of being rejected for being bi, and who know that bisexuality is something that can — if a person is open about it — attract the right kinds of partners, i.e., partners who view bisexuality as a plus. Talking with other bi folks will help.

And finally, HNH, bisexual guys don’t have to settle for straight girls who don’t understand or gay dudes who can’t deal. There’s no law against bisexuals dating other bisexuals. (If another bisexual should dump you, however, you can’t blame your ex’s biphobia.) And your big reveal — “I’m bisexual” — should you find yourself dating a straight girl? It could be worse…

 

In a couple of weeks I will be following your advice and disclosing the full scope of my sexuality to my girlfriend.

I am a thirty-two-year-old male. We have been dating for two years. This is the happiest I have ever been in a relationship. I want to marry her. She knows that I have a pantyhose fetish and she wears nylons for me whenever I ask. She doesn’t know that I also love to wear pantyhose, and that when I do I have intense homoerotic fantasies. She doesn’t know that I also have a foot fetish and a cocksucking fetish, both directly associated with the pantyhose fetish.

I intend to tell her everything. But how do I start?

— Bi Pantyhose Guy

If you had followed my advice, BPG, your girlfriend would already know about your pantyhose/foot/cock fetishes. Your kinks aren’t first-date conversation topics — no one’s kinks are — but a woman has a right to know about kinks like yours, BPG, before she’s invested two years in a relationship with you.

Start the conversation like this, BPG: “Honey, I’m a much kinkier boy than I’ve led you to believe.” Be upbeat, kink-positive, and unapologetic — well, unapologetic about your kinks. You should be somewhat apologetic about waiting two long years to lay all your kink cards on the table.

You should also avoid the phrase “cock fetishist” during this conversation, BPG. If you only have homoerotic fantasies during your solo pantyhose masturbate-a-thons, you may be less into sucking cock and more into what sucking cock symbolizes during those pantyhose-charged moments: A dick in your mouth brings your feminization to a climax, er, crescendo, completing your transformation from straight/straight-identified guy to crossdressed, cock-hungry slut. For many men like you, BPG, a dick is a talismanic toy, not an identity-altering taste.

But if you say “cock fetish,” your girlfriend is likely to hear “closeted cock-hungry fag.” Better to tell her that when you’re wearing pantyhose, you get into fantasy role-play scenarios in which you assume the feminine role. She may not be ready to see you with a man — not right now, maybe not ever — but she could be up for seeing you on your knees, in pantyhose, sucking on the dildo she strapped on for your talismanic pleasure.

 

I recently told my girlfriend of seven months that I have a foot fetish. I had been trying to tell her for a few months, mostly by dropping subtle hints, but she didn’t pick up on it.

Since I told her, she’s been asking me hypothetical questions like, “Would you put your thumb up my butt?” I quickly say, “Of course.” She comes back with, “Would you poop on me?” I’m a bit slower to answer that question, but I say, “Yes, if that’s something you wanted, I would do it.” Then she laughs and tells me, “Raise your standards.” I’m confused. Is she secretly into these things and afraid to tell me? (I know the fear one feels about revealing a sexual kink.) She’s brought it up more than once.

A part of me is hoping there is something kinky she’s after, since it would most definitely free me up to go to town on her feet.

— Honestly Into Nasty Things

Kink cards on the table at seven months. Well done, HINT. As for these bizarre conversations…

Either your girlfriend is worried that you’ve got kinks you haven’t told her about yet — like BPG — or she believes that having a kink means a person has no sexual limits or boundaries at all. Her comment when you indicated that you would shit on her, if that was something she wanted (“Raise your standards”), is a good indication that she’s not into shit. She’s latching onto worst-kink scenarios, HINT, and seeing if you’ll “go there,” because it confirms her prejudices about kinky people, i.e., that there’s nothing a kinky person won’t do.

You didn’t do yourself any favors when you agreed to shit on the girlfriend. That won’t inspire her to let you go to town on her feet. Instead, HINT, tell your girlfriend she should be thankful she’s dating an honest foot fetishist and not a dishonest necrophiliac — lots of men are kinky, your kinks could be worse — and let her know that you’re ready, willing, and able to explore her kinks, if she has any, but then list a few of the things you won’t do. (Shit on her, for one.) And when she’s ready to share her kinks with you, tell her she knows where to find you: on the floor, going to town on her feet.

Confidential to everybody: Don’t think a guy in pantyhose can be hot? Check out the insanely hot guys — in pantyhose, panties, and camisoles — at www.xdress.com. Then answer this question: Are these guys so hot they’d be hot in anything, including panties, or do panties make these hot guys even hotter?

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. 
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