Savage Love
"I think I found a picture of my sister on Craigslist. Should I say something?"
By Dan Savage
I went to Craigslist to look at the kinky shit people are into. And I found a picture of my sister. Her eyes are blurred out, but one pic is of her nude and one is of her giving head, and there's a tattoo that's unique to her and clearly visible. I'm ninety-nine percent sure it's her. The ad was from her boyfriend, looking for a "horsecock" to stretch her pussy while he sits in the next room. It's her business, but it's a mindfuck. I half want to call her out, shame her out of it. She just turned twenty-two.
— Sister Pics Dilemma
Your sister is an adult, SPD, and adults are free to post what they like to CL, and adult females are free to stick whatever they like — mancock, horsecock, whatevercock — in their pussies. It's hypocritical of you to enjoy the perversity on display at CL and then clutch your pearls in horror when you realize that someone you love — gasp! — is just as pervy as you are. So you're not going to call your sister out or shame her.
But you are going to say something to her.
There's a chance that your sister isn't aware that her boyfriend is posting her pictures to CL. Horsecocks, stretching pussies, the GF getting it on while he sits in the next room — that's all standard-issue cuckold fantasy stuff, SPD. There are women out there who are into cuckolding, of course, and there are women who've given their partners the okay to use their pictures in online personal ads seeking thirds for cuckold scenarios. However...
Lots of men with cuckold fantasies have posted pics of their actual wives and girlfriends to sites like CL without the consent of their actual wives and girlfriends. These guys don't see — or refuse to see — the potential harm in rubbing one out while fantasizing about the responses they've received from men who want to fuck their wives/girlfriends. The harm comes, of course, when the wife or girlfriend is recognized by a sibling, a coworker, or an employer.
On the off chance that your sister's BF is posting private pics to CL without your sister's okay, SPD, you need to say something to her. She needs to know those pics are out there if she doesn't already know it, and if she does know they're out there, she needs to know that she can be recognized.
Your sister doesn't need to be called out, and she doesn't need to be shamed. What she needs is a heads-up from a concerned brother. Give her that, SPD, then butt the fuck out.
I'm a twenty-year-old gay male and I entered into a relationship with a guy at the beginning of the summer. The sex has always been really good, but I'm worried about pleasing him. He disclosed early on that he has a foot fetish. Sex usually consists of him topping me while sucking my toes or me jerking him off while he's fondling the bottoms of my feet. I don't have any problem with him getting off to my feet. My problem with the whole ordeal is this: I don't know diddly about foot fetishism. I tried Google, but my results weren't much better than "Foot fetishism is the most common form of sexual fetishism from an otherwise nonsexual object or body part, and it's different depending on who you're fucking." Not very helpful.
I've talked to my boyfriend about what I can do to make things better and what he likes, but he's so bashful about the subject that I haven't gotten any information save "I prefer the soles of your feet." I have tried experimenting with things like footjobs (which didn't work out very well because I had no idea what I was doing), and not knowing what else to do is frustrating.
I am currently studying in France until the end of August, and I want to surprise him with my newfound knowledge on his kink and new ways to get him off. What should I know? What would you recommend? And could you fill me in on proper footjob technique?
— Seeking Orgasm Level Escalation
Male foot fetishists — the straight ones, anyway — will tell you that they react to feet the way most straight guys react to tits: aroused by the sight of 'em, want to do stuff to 'em. Some wanna suck 'em, some wanna fuck 'em, and some kinksters wanna safely, sanely, and consensually "torture" 'em. In other words, SOLE, it's different depending on who the woman with the tits in question happens to be fucking.
Same goes for foot fetishists: some wanna suck 'em, some wanna fuck 'em, some wanna "torture" 'em. (That's called "bastinado," and it should only be done safely, sanely, and consensually.) To find out what a particular foot fetishist enjoys most, you'll have to ask the foot fetishist who's enjoying your feet.
Your boyfriend probably finds it hard to talk about his fetish because he feels ashamed, needlessly so, and may have been rejected or mocked by previous partners when he opened up about his kink. (To avoid making his bashfulness worse, SOLE, avoid using terms like "problem" and "ordeal" when discussing his kink.) It's possible that the stuff you're doing for him now — sticking your toes in his mouth while he fucks you, jerking him off while he fondles your feet — fulfills all of his fantasies. Keep doing what you're doing now, SOLE, and as his confidence levels about his kink and your relationship both grow, he'll become less bashful about discussing his kink.
As for a proper footjob: bring the bottoms of your feet together and let him fuck the gap between your soles with his lubed-up cock, titty-fucking style, or have him lie on the floor while you sit on the edge of the bed and move the lubed-up sole of one of your feet back and forth across his cock until he blows his load. Have fun!
If you do end up having to redefine the word "rick," which you threatened to do in your recent Funny or Die video, I have a suggestion: rick (v): to remove santorum orally. ("He was so grateful for the lay that he ricked his partner.")
P.S. Thanks for your efforts on behalf of equality for all.
— Happy To Help
You're welcome, HTH, and in case anyone missed my Funny or Die video — in which I threatened to redefine Rick Santorum's first name if he didn't lay off the gay bashing — you can watch it here.
Santorum hasn't laid off the gay bashing, as it's all he's got, so it looks like I'm going to have to go ahead and redefine his first name, too. (My apologies to Rick Dees, Rick Fox, Ricki Lake, and all the other innocent Ricks out there.) The definition I proposed in my video was a little too long and involved, so I vote for adopting yours, HTH. Now "Rick Santorum" isn't just a vile and disgusting politician — he's a vile and disgusting sentence.
That said, I don't think someone would rick his or her partner out of gratitude; ricking someone — sucking the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex out of someone's ass — is something a person would do only under duress or under orders from a cruel BDSM top.
CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYBODY: Make porn, win prizes! Details at www.humpseattle.com. No rick videos, please!
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Commentarium (30 Comments)
Santorum bashes gays out of a misplaced sense of self-righteousness. Savage bashes Santorum out of a sense of self-righteousness. So Savage is just as big a douche as he claims that Santorum is for all of the same reasons, right?
I see the cut-and-paste keys are still working on your computer...
And while I'm guessing there's no point in engaging someone too thick to understand the concept of "false equivalency", I might as well spell it out for anyone else who's having doubts:
Santorum uses his position as one of the most powerful and wealthy people in the country to promote an agenda which has led, both directly and indirectly, to thousands of suicides and murders.
Savage uses his influence to mildly embarrass this otherwise wealthy and powerful individual.
Well said Well.
said well well
I'm totally on Dan Savage's ideological side against Santorum, but I do agree with Savaged that BOTH of them are assholes. It's pretty clear to me that the reason there are so many closeted gay Republicans is the same reason that there are so many openly gay dudes who are actually closet Republicans. If it weren't for the the cultural tolerance of homosexuality you get on the Left, pretty much every gay guy I know would vote Republican.
Well done Well
Yeah, b/c *they're* assholes. Half the gay guys I know would, or do, vote republican just to get *this* much off their taxes. Forget the illegal wars, the looting of the budget, or a proven track record on trying, and succeeding, to turn back time on the labor and civil rights movements, they want their taxes down. I guess what I'm trying to say is that half the gay guys I know are selfish, get-mine-and-fuck -the- rest -of -you assholes lacking empathy just like half the straight people I know, but damn, you'd think being gay would give them just a titch of empathy for other people. Guess not.
I was getting worried that I had just read an entire Dan Savage article without a single mention of Rick Santorum, but then I got to the end and normalcy reared its head. Thank goodness.
Santorum is rich and unemployed and influences damn near nobody in case you hadn't noticed his polling numbers. And I would suggest that Savage is more influential based on what he did to Santorum's name. So I guess you're the one who can't grasp the definition of false equivalencies. And your assertion of the murders and suicides being Santorum's fault is just plain STUPID. His influence on those acts is so indirect as to not even be a factor at all. Savage and Santorum view things differently, but they are cut from the same cloth.
Santorum makes homophobic, hateful remarks and threatens, through his political influence and aspirations, to turn these ideas into legislation, if elected to a higher office. Savage uses humor to fight against this possibility and strike a blow for gay civil rights. I don't see these two actions as equivalent. Fighting against abuses of power is not the same as the abuse of power.
well's point, above, is debatable to some degree regarding the direct connection of santorum to suicides. But, here's the false equivalency you're looking for, Savaged: Santorum maligns an entire class/group of people--without reservation, compassion, or knowledge of almost all of those individuals. Dan Savage maligns a single individual whose ideas and opinions he abhors. I might hate my gay next door neighbor because he's a jerk, but that doesn't make me prejudiced. But, if I hate every gay man in the world, then I am certainly narrow-minded, prejudiced, and homophobic. There's the difference. Savage hates one guy. Santorum hates 'em all.
Reading comprehension ain't your strong suit, is it Savaged? The societal agenda of hatred toward the gay community, which Santorum supports and actively promotes, unambiguously leads to suicides and homicides of gay and lesbian individuals.
And he's a former senator with media exposure, making him more powerful and influential than 99.99% of population he's bashing.
Savaged is a moderately clever troll; everybody stop paying attention unless you're having a whole lot of fun with the counter-baiting.
We also get to hit Rick Perry with this stone. Win-win.
Isn't LW1 a reprint of an older savage love letter? (Or have I discovered a psychic ability to predict the perversions and advice to craigslist trollers).
To @Sister Pics Dilemma:
Savage is right to suggest you should give her a heads up, but to avoid potential awkwardness for both you and your sister (and to hopefully make Thanskgiving a little more bearable for the rest of your lives) you could set up an anonymous email account and send her a note, to her personal email address, with a screengrab of the ad. That way you can claim to be a removed friend/colleague etc who recognised her and let her deal with the situation and probable mortification in private, while also ensuring that no-one knows you're trawling the Craigslist naughties.
If he does that, the sister will be plagued by wondering who it was that spotted her. Everyone in her social circle, everyone at her office - they will all be suspects, and she will feel uncomfortable around all of them. Brother should spare his sister this additional humiliation by just coming the F clean with her.
I think she'll get over the 'OMG who saw it' question--which will decrease with every day that she realises no-one else is treating her differently/strangely--more quickly than the 'OMG my brother has seen me sucking cock and knows I'm a slut' embarrassment she'll feel every time she sees him. And given the choice between wondering if a colleague or casual acquaintance maybe saw it and KNOWING that her own sibling saw it, I think most would decide some things are better left unknown.
I agree with JD on this one.
@dave1976 . . . I think it was a SLOG letter of the day. He's noted that sometimes those are interesting or useful (or creepy) enough that they may merit reprinting in the column, as way more folks read the column than SLOG (or the Savage Love app, which collects them all).
Thanks. Slog would explain it.
There is already a term for the proposed definition of "rick." It is "felch." Ima gonna throw up now.
Yeah, I would rather my sibling saw an embarrassing craigslist ad then some random person I know. FOR SURE. Because I know, love, and trust my sibling, and I know they feel the same for me, whereas some random acquaintance... yikes.
He wants to "shame" his sister. Yeaaah, nothing creepy about that. Clearly on there trolling around for something similar to whatever the ad was for. And yet his SISTER is the one with the problem. He should mention it just so she is aware (maybe post some less obvious photos even if she is OK with it). But the whole, "I went on there to get some, and you were there, slut" is gross and weird.
What, you don't believe that "I went to Craigslist to look at the kinky shit people are into" line?? Sounds reasonable to me.
I really liked the article, and the very cool blog
Where can I see these sis pictures? Hahaha.
I'm so glad that the intneret allows free info like this!
This most cases is akin with are that. How Does is trying taking an to for. When suggest also pain cause.
Now you say something