Savage Love

I found my homophobic roommate's gay videos on XTube.

By Dan Savage

I am an eighteen-year-old straight male. I have a hodgepodge of birth defects that affect my genitalia: severe hypospadias (my urethra is at the base of my penis), micropenis (less than two inches), and anorchia (I was born without testes). I have never been naked around anyone else. I don’t really like being naked by myself, to be honest.

Lately, my sex drive has skyrocketed, and it is driving me up the wall. This, coupled with the fact that women see me as attractive, is beginning to present a real problem. I’m frustrated that sexual situations are presenting themselves to me and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve recently started college, and it’s endlessly irritating to see my friends having relationships and being sexually active. I know that casual sex/flings will never be an option for me, but I’m dying over here!

— Messed Up Junk

“His story is one that is very familiar to us,” says Tiger Howard Devore, vice president of the Hypospadias and Epispadias Association (HEA). “He should know that he is not rare and many with his kind of genital difference have learned how to communicate about their difference to potential intimate partners.”

You’re right, MUJ: Casual sex/flings — shucking off your clothes and jumping into bed with a girl you’ve just met — may never be an option for you. But you know what? Drunken college hookups last an hour or two, but the communication skills you’re going to have to develop to navigate your sex life will last a lifetime.

You will have a sex life, MUJ, and there is a lot you can do. There are women out there who prefer tongues, toys, and touch to vaginal penetration. On the Savage Lovecast, I took a call from a woman who was worried she would never find a partner because, although she enjoys other kinds of sex, she’s physically incapable of vaginal intercourse; there’s a new dating website for straight men and women “who cannot engage in sexual intercourse” (2date4love.com); and if you fall in love with a woman who enjoys vaginal intercourse, sex shops sell strap-on dildos to men, too.

In short, MUJ, you have options. You also have role models.

“One of the most validating and reassuring experiences someone with genital difference can have,” says Devore, “is to meet with others who share their birth history and have dealt with the same issues of self-acceptance, shame, and isolation, and the challenge of intimate relationships.”

HEA hosts an annual conference, and it’s coming up, MUJ. If you can get your ass to Chicago over the weekend of October 21–23, I strongly encourage you to attend HEA 2011.

“Connecting with others who share his difference is the best way to end his isolation and begin his healing,” says Devore. “At the conference, he’ll get expert information from doctors and psychologists, and he’ll meet men who have grown up just like him and have faced the same fears and overcome them.”

HEA offers financial aid to men who otherwise wouldn’t be able to attend — an experience that is life changing and, in some cases, life saving — I’ve made a donation so more men with hypospadias can attend this year. I’m encouraging my readers to do the same: www.heainfo.org.

I’m a twenty-six-year-old girl from Austria currently seeing a guy who likes to tie me up and gag me. It is just cuffs and ball gags so far, and I’m enjoying it!

Recently he sent this text message: “mummification sounds fun.” In his case, “sounds fun” means “I wish to try it.” I looked it up online, and I was scared frigid after watching this video of a guy wrapping a woman: first in cling film, then in duct tape! Face and everything! It seemed like something out of a horror movie! I texted him back: “I realize this could be a lot of fun for you, but I don’t think I can do that.” He’s never mentioned it again.

I feel awful for denying him. I tell myself it’s about trusting the other person (yes, we have safe words), but I just can’t shake off the feeling of creepiness! Is there anything I can do to get over being terrified? Was it fair to say, “Not gonna happen?”

— Because I Am Scared

“BIAS should know that it was absolutely okay for her to say, ‘Not gonna happen,’” says Tynan Fox, kinkster, activist, and blogger (tynanfox.com). Fox, just twenty-seven, has been into mummification for more than a decade — he’s been on both sides of the duct tape — but says he can appreciate why even some bondage fans aren’t into it.

“Many people are claustrophobic,” says Fox, “and they can’t stomach the idea of being wrapped up, and who can blame them? Mummification is extreme play. But her boyfriend is being completely appropriate — she said she wasn’t interested, he hasn’t mentioned it again — and they should both be commended for their open and honest communication.”

The only way to get over your feelings of terror, if you want to explore this, is to try it while taking things very, very slowly. “She doesn’t have to go directly to the full-out body-and-head-covering Saran Wrap/duct tape combo,” says Fox. “Pace yourselves! Begin with Saran Wrap only, just from the shoulders to the ankles. If she freaks, the boyfriend cuts her loose and it’s over. If the scene goes well, they can add a little more next time. Eventually, she may find the restriction and sensory deprivation provides a heightened sense of sexual awareness and makes her extremely horny.”

I moved in with a friend of a friend when I was desperate to find housing in a new city. The guy I live with would be an ideal roommate except he sometimes makes homophobic comments. I never told him I’m gay — I didn’t feel the need up front and now I don’t feel comfortable — but homophobia is not the reason I am writing you. The situation goes deeper.

In the midst of my online exploits, I found an Xtube channel for a guy who is most certainly my roommate. He wears a mask in the videos, but the voice and build are the same, same tattoos, and his bedroom is unmistakable. In the videos, he fucks himself silly with massive dildos — MASSIVE — while begging for cock. Part of me wants to pull one of the videos up the next time he makes a comment. Part of me loves the idea of giving this homophobe a good fucking. What would you do?

— Roommate’s Anal Movies

Your living situation sounds like a setup for a great porn parody, RAM. (When a Stranger Comes: “The ass-stretching amateur porn is coming from inside the apartment!”) It also sounds like an opportunity. If you’re into this guy — and, having watched his videos (thanks for the link), it looks like you could literally walk right into this guy — why not seize that great, big, gaping opening created by your little discovery?

The next time your roommate makes a homophobic remark, RAM, tell him you’re gay, tell him you don’t appreciate his comments, and tell him you’re somewhat mystified by his remarks in light of his body of work. Then roll the tape.

There’s a chance — a slim chance — that he’s not gay and just enjoys anal play, sexual transgression, and the attention he gets from men online. Here’s hoping you wind up fucking some sense into your roommate and an apology out of him.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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