Dating Advice from . . . Volvo Owners

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Andrew, 35
1991 740 wagon

I’m having a quarter-life crisis. My girlfriend wants to move us to the suburbs, get married and have babies, while I want to backpack across South America, or go to flight school, or buy an oyster farm — anything but settle into a sedate family life. What should we do?
Even if you decide that oyster cultivation can wait until retirement, do not simply cave and go suburban. If you feel that way going in, it will only grow and fester, no matter how green your lawn, cute your kids, or safe your Volvo. And adorable children ought not have bitter fathers. You must wait until you are utterly, completely ready, and even then wait a year or two. Perhaps a few years of child-free marriage in a quaint section of a city is a compromise? With flight school on weekends?

Ever since my long-term relationship ended a year ago, I find myself sabotaging all my dates. My therapist thinks I have a fear of intimacy. How can I get back in the game?
I wouldn’t sweat it. A year is a perfectly respectable period in which to fear intimacy for those who’ve been burned by it. I think you’ll find those fears will disappear in the presence of the right person, who clearly hasn’t come along yet.

Where’s the best place in a Volvo to have sex?
I’ve owned sleazy van conversions and big Buick sedans, and the back of the Volvo 740 wagon, with the seat down, provides what is easily the most practical and pleasurable vehicular sexual experience I’ve ever had. It’s like a full-size futon back there, and the Volvo’s roomy front seats and unmatched safety features make it the perfect ride for oral-while-driving. And if you want Whitesnake sex, the level hood and boxy roof are superior to the slippery, sloping counterparts on a Camaro.

I love my boyfriend, but I can’t stop fantasizing about my ex. I definitely don’t want to go back to him because our relationship was terrible, but he was really hot and the sex was amazing, more so than it is with my boyfriend. What do I do?
You’re right not to go back to the ex. But the sort of passion you’re missing simply cannot be simulated, and chances are it won’t appear with time. We all deserve a combination of danger and comfort, and clearly neither man has provided you with the right mix.

I’m dating an extrovert who’s always the life of the party. While this is what I like about her, I also feel a bit subsumed by her, like people hardly notice me when she’s around. How can I deal with this?
Coattails were made to be ridden. You need to find a way to be her straight man. Get to know her jokes and tee them up for her, get to know her stories and remind her of good details she’s leaving out, scout out the room’s most head-friendly lampshades and help her put them on. Learn ways to gently mock her extroversion without belittling her. You need neither compete nor disappear.

How can I pick up a Volvo owner?
If you have a taste for single mothers or fathers, find out which is the hippest preschool in your neighborhood, go to the nearest café and hang out there in the post-dropoff hours of 8 to 10 a.m.

How can becoming a Volvo owner get me laid?
A Volvo suggests comfort in one’s own skin, and a stylish but never gaudy utility. Like horn-rimmed glasses or a fuzzy cardigan, it can be played off with a professorial chic that some folks just go nuts for.

Chelsey, 21
1986 240GL with sunroof

My girlfriend wants me to get rid of my car to reduce our carbon footprint. I live in the city so I don’t really need it, but I love my car. Should I sell it for the sake of the relationship?
If the relationship is at stake over this, you should probably re-evaluate the relationship. Aligned belief systems are great, but pressuring someone to change their ways is often a sign that what she feels for you is conditional. If it’s less of an ultimatum and more of a request, talk it out. Why do you love your car so much? Don’t get me wrong, I love my car, but it only keeps me warm at night if I have the heater running.

I’m dating an extrovert who’s always the life of the party. While this is what I like about her, I also feel a bit subsumed by her, like people hardly notice me when she’s around. How can I deal with this?
Her personality is hers — don’t let yourself get sucked into thinking she has power over who you are or how you’re received. You’re fully in control and responsible for how you feel. If you’re feeling subsumed, maybe you need to look at other times you’ve felt that way and find the roots that trigger that emotion.

What typical household item can be incorporated into sex?
I’m not a huge fan of incorporating inanimate objects into penetration. I’m more about location, location, location. Ever tried it in a papasan? Tricky, but a unique experience.

How can I pick up a Volvo owner?
Know someone (or be someone) who can get my car into smog-test-passing condition at a reasonable price. Compliment my stickers. Don’t make fun of my stickers. Magically know what year it was made, and why that’s the best year for Volvos ever.

Where is the best place in a Volvo to have sex?
There’s enough room in my trunk for an orgy.

Ben, 34
1987 240DL wagon

What typical household item can be incorporated into sex?
Basting brush.

Where is the best place in or on a Volvo to have sex?
The way back, baby.

My boyfriend and I are breaking up, and we share a dog that we got together. Neither one of us wants to give her up, and I think joint custody might be too awkward. Any advice?
If you were both sitting in the room, and neither of you had any food on you, who would your dog sit by? Let the dog choose, at least for the first six months. Transitions are hard enough.

My girlfriend wants me to get rid of my car to reduce our carbon footprint. I live in the city so I don’t need it, but I love my car. Should I sell it for the sake of the relationship?
It depends. Carbon footprints are heinous, but relationship resentment is so uncomfortable. It’s The Fate of the World vs. Your Relationship, so see if you can achieve middle ground. How about setting a limit on car usage, say to out-of-town trips and auto-essential erranding only?

How can I pick up a Volvo owner?
Volvo owners like ass the best. Just dress up the ass, and you’ll be stepping into that DL240 in no time.

Greg, 23
2004 S60 sedan

Ever since my long-term relationship ended a year ago, I find myself sabotaging all my dates. My therapist thinks I have a fear of intimacy. How can I get back in the game?
It’s easy to find faults in people. It’s even easier to dwell on those faults as justification for not getting too close. Let go of the other person’s little annoyances, if only for a while. You could meet the person of your dreams, and yes, they may have a slight imperfection, but if you can’t see past that, you risk never knowing if they were great for you.

My boyfriend and I are breaking up, and we share a dog that we got together. Neither one of us wants to give her up, and I think joint custody might be too awkward. Any advice?
I had two good friends go through this same situation. Really, it won’t work. You two are going to move on, see other people, do other things — can you picture seeing your ex-boyfriend all the time for the next twelve years? A dog is not a toddler. Flip a coin.

My girlfriend wants me to get rid of my car to reduce our carbon footprint. I live in the city so I don’t really need it, but I love my car. Should I sell it for the sake of the relationship?
Giving up your car can be really tough. But think of it this way: no more insurance, gas, loan payments, tickets, worrying about dings from a bicycle-delivery guy playing chicken. Plus, you score huge points and are owed a favor or two.

Where is the best place in a Volvo to have sex?
The rear headrests flip down so you can see out the rear window when no one is in the back. While down, these head rests are perfect handle bars. Guys: have a seat. Girls: grab on tight to the headrest for perfect leverage.

How can becoming a Volvo owner get me laid?
Nice cars are a turn on. You can be a beautiful person, but when its time to make a move back to the bedroom, no one’s thinking to themselves, “I found a hottie and they drive a Geo! Perfect!”  n°

Interviews by Will Doig. Dating Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to .