Sex Advice for . . . the Jewish Holidays

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Beverley Paris, designer of jewButt Jewish-themed underwear, 34
www.jewbutt.com

I’ve been meeting a lot of guys on JDate, but all they want is ass. How can I use this online dating site to find the perfect Jewish husband?
JDate is a little bit of everything: the good, the bad, the ugly, the sensitive, the sexy and the downright scummy. Anyone who contacts you without a profile picture, stay away. And it’s a very small Jewish world, so you’ve got to schmooze — when someone contacts you and you go out with them and it’s actually fun, call your friends and they’ll give you the dirt quicker than you can log back on.

What can the Jews teach the rest of the world about sex?
Jewish men are obligated to please their wives. That’s a pretty good start.

Must I formally break up with a guy I’ve gone on two dates with, or can I just stop returning his calls?
Unfortunately, you have to take his next call and give him the “I think you’re a really great guy but just not for me” speech. You cannot Skype, IM or email this to him — this is one thing you still have to do over the phone.

Can I tell my boyfriend he makes unappealing sounds in bed?
Men are sensitive creatures. Any criticism needs to come from a very warm and safe place. By all means, say what bothers you, but not while you’re actually in bed.

I want to cook dinner for my new boyfriend and really impress him. What’s the sexiest, most impressive meal I could make?
All the men I know love a good barbecue. Throw some steaks on the grill, wear something cute, chuck beer in the fridge, and then smile winningly because who the frick knows how to actually barbecue? He’ll end up cooking for you, and gush about how you didn’t make him sit through some candlelit monstrosity of French food or sushi.

This guy I used to date called me a Jewish American Princess because he says I’m high-maintenance. How can I tell if I’m a high-maintenance significant other?
In this day and age, we are all high maintenance. I firmly believe in indulging your inner JAP (within reason). Permissible Jappy behavior includes pedicures, manicures, lip gloss, Dolce & Gabbana jeans and tasteful glitter. If your bloke can’t deal with someone who partakes in these small pleasures, he’s not worth dating.

I’m a girl who did a little porn in college for money, and I just found some pictures of myself on the internet. I’m afraid my boyfriend will come across them. Do I tell him or hope he never sees them?
First of all, before you come clean, Google your man — maybe you’re in luck and he also has a past. It seems like everyone from Britney to American Idol contestants end up with compromising photos online. The good thing is that they’re hardly ever found until you’re famous. I’d say it’s your call, but if your celebrity status changes you’d better fess up before you get re-discovered.

Etan G, Jewish rapper, 35
www.thejewishrapper.com

What can the Jews teach the rest of the world about sex?
I think Jews look at sex as something holy. Something special. We know how to appreciate it from a higher level, not just animalistic sex. I personally love sex. I love women. I think it’s because I’ve seen the magic in the vagina. When it’s done right, a vagina is the most magical organ in the world.

What kosher food products are best for the bedroom?
I think some sort of alcoholic beverage works best. Food gets messy. Women’s skin tastes good, you don’t need food. A woman is not a dining room table. The juices are there. Unless she wants a cucumber up her snatch, then that’s fine.

I’m plagued with guilt after every sexual encounter. Aside from going to therapy, what can I do to stop this?
Are you Jewish? Beause usually it’s Jews of the Ortho persuasion that have guilt about sex. Maybe Christians. Have a drink. If you didn’t enjoy the sex because you felt guilty, practice not feeling guilty — masturbate, watch porn. If you had great sex but afterward you felt guilty, you’ll get over that.

What kind of Jewish boy can I bring home to mom?
One with personality. Mothers don’t care about looks so much. Personality is everything. If I was dating a girl and the mother said to me, “How you gonna take care of my daughter?” I tell her I’m a Jewish rapper and I tour the world. They don’t buy it. But the reality is nowadays it’s not necessary for a guy to have a good job. Once you get past the mother, you’re golden. Personality first, then job.

I’m a girl who did a little porn in college for money, and I just found some pictures of myself on the internet. Do I tell my boyfriend, or hope he never sees them?
Don’t tell him. If he comes across them, you’ll deal with it then. If he loves you, he’ll say, “Dude, you did it in the past and that’s that.” The past is not something you bring up. It was college! Personally, I would be like, “Can I see the video?” And I would expect sex with her to be on par with porn. If you can get freaky in college, why can’t you get freaky with me?

I can’t sleep in the same bed as someone else — it keeps me up all night. How can I square this with an active love life?
Get two twin beds — then you can do the Taharas Hamishpacha thing [code of Jewish family purity, which states that a husband must not touch his wife while she is on her period]. Ten bucks says, when you were sixteen, you and your girlfriend slept in the same bed. Or you were drunk and you shared a bed with five other people. I guarantee you can sleep in the same bed.

Craigslist Casual Encounters: okay to use, or too scummy/scary?
For an Orthodox Jew, it’s not a code that we roll by. However, for the masses, it’s the best. You both know exactly what you guys are connecting for. In Orthodoxy, promiscuous sex is not approved, but we recognize Orthodox Jews are humans also. We’re human beings and we’re horny. You know something? Sometimes it’s better to bang a nameless person on Craigslist than the girl in shul who you’re going to see on Shabbos.

Shoshanna Rikon, head of Shoshanna’s Matches, 33
www.shoshannasmatches.com

What kosher food products are best for the bedroom?
I went to the store recently and I got this edible massage in the shape of the heart. It sparkles, and it tastes like cookies and cream. Mush it into your skin and lick it off and you sparkle. And it’s kosher!

I feel like my boyfriend puts his family and friends before me except when he’s horny. Is this a sign of bad things to come?
Yes, for sure. He has to put you right up there with his family. You’re the person he’s going to be with the rest of his life. If this is how he’s acting in the beginning, I can only see it going downward.

What kind of Jewish boy can I bring home to mom?
My mom is not looking for prima donnas. She’s not looking for a guy who’s six feet and good looking. She’s looking for heart and soul and how he treats me.

Sometimes moms call me for their daughters; they never call for their sons. They want to make sure that their daughters are financially taken care of. I’m not sure if I like to hear that too much, but I can understand it. You should look at the overall package. I had a comment from a mother today, she really upset me. She called me for her daughter. First question was, “Are these men super-successful?” Why is that your number one priority? I got a little annoyed. I’m not going to take everyone into my service. I’m going to protect my men.

Must I formally break up with a guy I’ve gone on two dates with, or can I just stop returning his calls?
After two dates, I don’t think it’s necessary to formally break up with him. I don’t think after the first date, I don’t think after the second date, maybe after the third date and definitely after the fourth date.

I want to cook dinner for my new boyfriend. What’s the sexiest, most impressive meal I could make?
There’s this spaghetti, boobs spaghetti. It’s a spaghetti that looks like boobs. They also have ones that look like cocks. That’s sexy. You can do that. And I think sushi topless is cute, because you can feed each other.

Josh Neuman, publisher of Heeb magazine, 35
www.heebmagazine.com
www.myspace.com/joshuaneuman

What can the Jews teach the rest of the world about sex?
The Jews can teach the rest of the world that you don’t have to look like a Ken or a Barbie doll to be sexy. Even if you look like Woody Allen or a Barbie doll, you can still be sexy.

I can’t sleep in the same bed as someone else — it keeps me up all night. How can I square this with an active love life?
If Lucy and Ricky slept in separate beds, so can you. Though you might want to spice things up with one of those sleeping caps worn by Fred Mertz.

I’m a girl who did a little porn in college for money, and I just found some pictures of myself on the internet. Do I tell my boyfriend or hope he never sees them?
That depends on how likely you think it is that he’ll Google your name and the words “takes on a gang of bikers . . . the hard way.”

What kosher food products are best for the bedroom?
I always recommend that my partners try the kosher salami.

I’ve never encountered an uncut penis. What do I need to know about them?
They only appear larger.  n°

Interviews by Simona Kogan. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to .