Q: “I found out my boyfriend used to work as an escort. Should I confront him about it?” A: “Wait, was his name Thomas?”
Wolfy, 23
My boyfriend doesn't take showers as often as I’d like, and sometimes he smells. I'm neurotically clean and it bugs me a little. How do I ask him to shower without coming off as offensive?
I don't take showers often. First, just to ease into the subject, ask him, “What do you call a crusty gutterpunk without a girlfriend?”
What?
Homeless. Second of all, when it comes down to it, if he's not on the streets and does have the opportunity to take a shower, what the fuck is he doing not taking a shower? Whoever this is, I’d love to get some contact information, because I'd like to take a shower. I will take as many showers as she wants, consecutively. And I will show her the time of her life in the shower, if she wants. I've actually had girls kidnap me from the streets, and they're like so: clothes to the laundry, you in the shower.
Is that the perfect date?
If you haven't taken a shower in a month! I haven't complained yet, but if you want your boyfriend to take a shower and he doesn't want to, stop kidnapping crusty kids off the street!
My girlfriend wants me to stop watching porn because it makes her uncomfortable. I don't want to stop. What should I do?
If you’ve got somebody standing right there in real life, I'd say do whatever you're into. If you're into the Hot Carl or into the Sloppy Johnson, anything like that, find someone who can do that. Otherwise, deal with what you got and enjoy that you can have it in real life.
My girlfriend went out of town, got really drunk, and had sex with another dude. She told me, but I'm still upset about it. Should I forgive her or is drunkenness just her excuse for cheating on me?
I am a professional drunk. Coming from a professional drunk, drunkenness is not an excuse for anything. I often use the excuse that if I don't remember it, it didn't happen. But people don't see it that way when they remember. They call them “spirits” for a reason: your true spirit comes out when you drink. You do what you do, you got what you got, and you're going to represent that when you're drunk. So no, it’s not an excuse.
But also, was she on a three-week bender? If she's on a three-week bender, then why aren't you on a bender with her? And why were you at home? Why aren't you out partying? If you're too boring to take a vacation, maybe that's your issue. If you're too boring, then yeah, whoops, sorry.
I'm in a relationship with a great guy I met on a gay hook-up website. He recently told me he used to use the site for sex work. He doesn't do it anymore, and he's clean, but I'm still uncomfortable. How do I get over this?
First of all, was his name Thomas?
I don't know. All these questions are anonymous.
Thank God. It's a great sign of respect that he told you. Why would somebody doing what they do to get by be immoral? No need to judge the past of another person.
I keep reading about anal stimulation and how great it is for guys. I'd love to bring it up with my girlfriend, but I don't to freak her out. Any tips on a good way to bring that up?
Start by holding hands, and mess with your fingers when you're holding hands. You’ve got to, as you're slipping across the butt cheeks, just find a way in there. If you pre-grease, you're probably better off. It makes it a little bit less noticeable. Just look at her and go, “Oh, that's where it went? Oops.”
Wednesday, 31
What do you do?
I ride freight trains; I travel the country.
Where do you live now?
One of these bridges around here.
My girlfriend went out of town, got really drunk and had sex with another dude. She told me, but I'm still upset about it. Should I forgive her or is drunkenness an excuse for cheating on me?
Well, she did cheat on you, but she did come clean with it, so there's a chance for forgiveness, unless it's happened before. If it hasn't happened before, and she was true about it, and you're a forgiving person, those are all reasons to forgive.
I'm in a relationship with a great guy I met on a gay hook-up website. He recently told me he used to use the site for sex work. He doesn't do it anymore and he's clean, but I'm still uncomfortable. Should I be mad about this?
No. He told you about it, and he's clean. So, no, it doesn't matter.
My friend cheated on her boyfriend, and they broke up. Is it okay for me to date him now?
If it's okay with her.
My girlfriend wants me to stop watching porn because it makes her uncomfortable. I love her, but I don't want to stop. What should I do?
Oh, porn's great and there's no reason to give it up, even if someone else doesn't like it. Just see what she's into, and then find something classier, something with a plot. Watch it together, and you’ll figure it out.
I'm in love with one of my best friends. I'm a musician and I wrote a song about her. She has no idea that I love her. Should I put it all out there, or is it too much?
Sing her the song and let her realize it's about her. Let her figure it out.
I want my girlfriend to peg me, but I'm afraid she'll think I'm gay. What's a good way to bring this up?
If you're into that, just go with it. It doesn't make you gay. I would peg someone.
I'm a feminist, but I fantasize about being called a slut and getting slapped in bed. I feel conflicted about doing this type of scene; do you think it goes against being a feminist?
Being a feminist sucks as it is. I'm sorry, but, if it's something you like, just go with it. Do what you want to do; enjoy yourself. There is no conflict, because you can’t go against your own feelings, if that's how you feel. Go with your heart or what you feel.
Duo, 25
What do you do?
A little bit of everything.
Do you live here?
I just travel. I hop trains, I hitch-hike, I take the Greyhound, I fly. I have wings.
My girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with me on her period because she thinks it's dirty. How can I convince her this isn't true?
Well, usually, if I have a girlfriend on her period or some shit, personally, uh, blood — I’m not trying to go there. I can just wait. Patience is a virtue. If someone's not down to do something like that at the time, you should just wait. Or get a blowjob. God damn! There's other ways around it.
My boyfriend likes to have sex outside, and I've never done it before. Is that too dangerous, or is it exciting?
Voyeuristic activities can be very fun, depending on where you are — I wouldn't suggest doing it anywhere where there's a bunch of asshole yuppies. But you can get away with it in a park. I've definitely done had my fair share of public sex. I would say always try something new.
My girlfriend went out of town, got really drunk, and had sex with another dude. She told me, but I'm still upset about it. Should I forgive her or is drunkenness an excuse for cheating on me?
No. I believe if you really have feelings for them, and they’re real feelings, no matter what, you're going to stay true. Drunkenness is the lazy excuse to fuck up.
I'm in a relationship with a great guy I met on a gay hook-up website. He recently told me he used to use the site for sex work. He doesn't do it anymore, and he's clean, but I'm still uncomfortable. How do I get over this?
I have a lot of respect for sex workers. I don't have respect for just straight-up hoes. I used to know a lot of sex workers from living in San Francisco — and they're some of the cleanest people out there, and they know what they're doing. And if they're over that thing and they're not doing it anymore, I don't see a problem with it.
My girlfriend wants me to stop watching porn because it makes her uncomfortable. I don't want to stop. What should I do?
Porn is not that big of a deal. If you can't get over someone watching porn, then I wouldn't want to be around them. It's not cheating or doing anything like that. Hell, it's just fucking porn. God damn!
I'm a feminist, but I fantasize about being called a slut and getting slapped in bed. I feel conflicted about doing this type of scene; do you think it goes against being a feminist?
Whatever turns you on is your business and whatever gets you off, gets you off. We're all different people with different interests. You can still be who you are, and have other interests, as long as you hold true to your shit. Whatever floats your boat, dude!
