I lost my virginity to a chubby hick in a house filled with cats, illegitimate kids, and a crackhead, but Jesus, I never thought that I'd end up a celibate. None of the usual causes apply: I'm not a virgin, I'm not a Christian, I don't have an STD, my uncle Jimmy never tried to lick my prepubescent cock. Sitting here in my usual attire of skintight flares, high-heeled platforms, an Aladdin Sane babydoll shirt, and a glittered scarf that hangs to my knees, I look like I'm up for a night of glam-rock orgies with girls named Violet and Snow. I would fit into a group of celibates like Ron Jeremy'd fit into Kate Moss.
I didn't just walk into abstinence like Jesus strolling into the desert. Nor did the decision come after years of Axl Rose-y debauchery or one-night stands — in fact the only one-night stand I've ever had only happened because I was too drunk to realize what the girl had done with my penis. But after several sub-par relationships featuring sex that would've made Woody Allen movies seem exciting, I began to suspect that the bliss of early experiences would never return. Still so young, already so jaded.
And then there was Morrissey. Like a million other rain-coated lovers around the world, I was saved by Morrissey and the Smiths during adolescence — or they at least gave me the vinyl to cry on. Moz provided an existentialist alternative to the clichéd façade of love, proclaiming it to be nothing more than a "miserable lie." Although I was more interested in learning how to laugh at my own misfortunes as "the weird kid," it's hard to memorize the words to songs like "I Don't Mind if You Forget Me," "Will Never Marry," and "(I'm) The End of the Family Line," without allowing them to affect your libido.
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I look like I'm up for a night of glam-rock orgies with girls named Violet and Snow.
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Nearly a decade after my introduction to Morrissey and the Smiths, I realized that I too had rejected love, sex, women, and all the tragedies that accompany them. All those nights of listening to Viva Hate on my bedroom floor had finally come back to bite me in the crotch.
In a sense, though, the cards were stacked against me. I lost my jailbait virginity while staring at posters of Korn and Coal Chamber above the bed of a girl who earnestly believed that London After Midnight was The Greatest Band of All Time. Later that year, I met the love of my life, took her virginity, and spent three exciting months with her. Unfortunately, I spent the three years that followed with her as well, an epoch of teary phone calls, yelling matches, and more criticism of each other's fashion sense than anything resembling physical affection. Over the course of those thirty-nine months, we screwed all of a dozen times, each session accompanied by her high-pitched voice screeching, "Hurry up," "Make it hurt less," or "Don't put the whole thing in!" These sessions of lovemaking also usually included her diaphragm-sized hands pounding on my chest — and not in a hot way. I'd waited my whole life for something that ultimately resembled the shrieking and antics of a five-year-old brat.
Commentarium (24 Comments)
Um I'm pretty sure he just made thousands of women want to undo his celibacy.
Wow. That was some intense writing! Good read, and hope you get over it. Or not.
i had the same reaction you did: jesus. you're not fucked up, you're just gay. and if you really have a big dick, you will be welcome. side note: ron would easily fit in kate, as long as she helps him rise to the occasion.
If the one comment is true, then maybe I am not straight and I don't know it. What I do know is that, even though I am a woman (and hence some of the details do not apply), I have very similar feelings.
Of course - musicians understand the space between the notes. It makes sense.
you don't have to be gay to skip sex for awhile. i think that was me from age 19-22. now of course i want to fuck "you" like an animal, know "you" from the inside, etc. also, i love titties. that is all.
Yeah, romance is dead. Just check out "The Purity Myth" piece. People are only interested in the big ideas about sex, whether it makes you cooler, dirtier, good, or bad, the politics of it, what it says about women, more bullshit, etc. No one's in it for the meaningful connection or even the enjoyment anymore. That's why it's nice to fall in love first, if you guys still believe in that kind of thing.
This only makes me think that when you meet Snow or Violet you will be really bad fuck. Sex is only good with practice and experience. Sorry that is a fact. Taking your self off the market well you have to do what you have to do but I think it is about more than just sex. But if it is about sex you arent going to become better at it. Perhaps you should find Jesus or therapy.
I am going to add stop fucking liitle girl find an older woman, who is sophicated and horney not road trash.
Dude doesn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to. Nothing gay or wrong with that.
His first girlfriend would yell "hurry up" and "make it hurt less"? Dude, it sounds like he was possibly raping her. NOT Cool.
Wow! Glad I'm in my 50's. When I was young, horny and trying everything, it just branded me a slut. But at least I enjoyed what I was doing. I decided right from the start that mediocre sex isn't worth the douche afterward. (This is from the pre-condom days, when women who had any sense of keeping a clean snatch actually douched.)
I'm sorry, I completely missed the point of what you were saying because you are so fucking beautiful. Marry me; (it's legal in all 50 states!) I will keep you in platform shoes and satin camisoles and glitter scarves for as long as your heart desires.
I was thinking it might be reverse psychology. Maybe I'll use that line in my personals ad.
If it is serious, dude get over yourself. 80's mope rock was only decent in the 80's and is now just happy nostalgia.
Sex is here, now, forever. Take some dance lessons so you can learn to handle a woman in a way that doesn't hurt her and that she enjoys. It will please your pretentious musical self to be able to enjoy music kinetically as well as aurally. Trust me on this one.
That was a beautiful piece of writing and, I think, quite accurate. As a woman in my twenties, I see that sex for my female friends (and myself, for a while) has become nothing more than a good story. The use it as a way to bond with their female friends. It's more about getting together for brunch with the girls after and telling them about the crazy night you had than it is about the experience itself.
I'm also celibate at the moment. By choice, yes, but due to the lack of intimacy on offer by the men I've dated in NYC. I'm plenty horny, I love sex, I fantasize, masturbate and am turned on by men right and left. But I won't give in to the temptation, since I know how much is missing in the bit of casual sex I've had when I was trying to date. Now, I won't go to bed with a man in hopes that it will extend to him whatever feelings I'm having. I won't know exactly when the right time is, but I do know the time is not now.
To people who read older lady: Douching is INCREDIBLY bad for your vaginal flora. Yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis is not a "clean snatch."
Love it.
You sound like a confused individual. "The first generation of girls who don't like foreplay"? What makes you think, based on a few bad encounters, that we ALL (the entire freaking generation) get our sex cues from 'Gossip Girl'? Maybe you just have horrible taste in women, or maybe you're bad in bed yourself and that's why sex isn't enjoyable. MANY of us girls still like long, slow, toe-curling foreplay as we have for centuries, without the aid of trends or TV shows. We just don't like it with superficial sexists such as yourself, which is why you're left with your hand.
Also, calling the woman who took your virginity a "chubby hick" is just so KLASSY, I'm amazed Snow and Violet aren't pounding your door down. You have issues.
The bad similes make this essay unreadable. Were the editors sleeping on the job?
Celibacy is not what makes this article seem gay. Its the tight pants and the fact the author has apparently never once enjoyed sex with women. And he doesn't seem asexual. It seems strange that all the women hes met simply don't enjoy sex adn are doing it for bedpost notches or out of the feeling they "should;" sounds more like what he was doing.
the "make it hurt less" bit was gross. If a woman says that to you, you should stop. If a woman beats your chest with her fist, that is not really a good sign that mutual consent or fun is taking place. If you are gay, you will 1) either stop hating women as much when you realize it or 2) at least stop fucking them so your misogyny wont matter that much.
So the point of the article isss...Ugh, my relationships as a teen were just so stressy and girls couldn't keep up with my skillz. Sorry world, guess I'll just have to try celebacy. Siiiiggghhhhh...
Has it not occurred to the author that maybe he's not getting laid simply because he's an asshole?
This article made me smile and sigh with frustration. I'm a slim, quirkily pretty girl with an eccentric fashion sense of my own and a grand total of 2 sex partners at age 27...and I would LOVE to meet a guy with the author's ideals and aesthetic...except that I'd be terrified he would mock me for my unironic love of cheesy 80's rock and geek metal.