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I did a radio show last night for the first time in years, and I can't believe how bloated the FCC has become. We were doing skits, and we were asked to substitute words. We decided to use "librarians" for "whores" and "relax" for "pee." That's right — you can't say "pee" on the radio. Not at 7 p.m., anyway. We'll never reach satori this way, by being careful to not offend. We'll never know ourselves.
It's not like we're going to avoid rape by not talking about it. In fact, I bet a lot of date rape and borderline rape (weird, taboo seduction that only looks like rape some time later) depend upon non-clarification. Yet if you bring it up at a party — perhaps wondering aloud why so many women fantasize about rape — people act as if you're siding with the rapists. Yet somehow Jill Soloway managed to get away with talking about it throughout her book Tiny Ladies In Shiny Pants, perhaps because she's funny. And my friend Erik Swanson, a local newspaper columnist, kept bringing it up, perhaps because he likes to aggravate me. I decided to record our conversations. Lisa Carver
Erik Swanson: "No one believes in secret knowledge anymore."
Hooksexup: I think that so much of really good sex between consenting, happy people does involve informed semi-exploitation, where you act like you don't know what's going on.
Erik Swanson: The first date I had with one woman, I didn't ask her: "Hey would it be okay if I spank you so hard you have bruises for days?" Obviously I'd gotten some kind of clues or I wouldn't have done it. But there have been other times when I got rough and then found out I was totally wrong in my interpretation of clues.
There's a lot of pressure on women, even today, to seem confused and innocent. A lot of people still think that only women with partially submerged wills are attractive, feminine, alluring. And women still feel that being explicit means they're acting like a whore or a man.
What about the time you raped somebody?
He was clear on his will, which is what made what I did rape — even though he had an orgasm. He told me specifically, "Don't. I don't want you to do that," and he gave me his reasons. But I kept doing what I was doing. I disrespected him. I didn't realize I was raping him, because I didn't respect people's rights in general. Now I do. And maybe now I overclarify my intentions when I'm attracted to someone. Also, I listen to "no" now. But out of the hundred times I ignored somebody's "no" in the past, ninety-nine of those people were happy that I didn't. They'd been playing. I feel kind of sad being more conscious and respectful. Like I've lost something.
Starting with the Catholic confessional, we started explaining sex. Explaining desires and things that we were better off not talking about. Now we're bombarded: top ten sex tips, ways to make your man go crazy, how can you do sex right, who's gay. Foucault talked about an ideal future when we'll look back on this time and say how ridiculous it all was — all these treatises and attempts to analyze and control what should remain secret. But no one believes in secret knowledge anymore. Nothing exists unless it can be scientifically proved. And yet arguably the essence of sexuality is not knowable. To me, that's what makes sex interesting. Foucault thinks that sex should go back to being a very secret thing. He said all these laws circumscribing the sex act should be taken off the books.
So you and Foucault don't think statutory rape should exist.
That's right, Foucault and I don't think statutory rape should exist [as a law]. If you want to bring a fifteen- or a thirteen year old's desire or ability or right to consent into the legal system, you've got to be able to get the whole story. And that may be un-gettable.
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