Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Just because you don't mind playing the ringmaster in bed doesn't mean you should always do it. This week, delegate responsibility to those who shirk it. Explain to them that yours shouldn't be the only toned pelvic muscles in this group, that sometimes they need to bring the trapeze, and that they are going to have to start being more accountable in general.
promotion
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Like a '50s ad man, you come home at the end of a hard day, loosen your tie, throw down a Scotch and collapse onto your warm, expensive bed. But wouldn't it be nicer to have some soft flesh to collapse onto instead? Assuage the day's stresses by getting a significant other, hiring a hooker or purchasing an inflatable companion.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Sometimes your hand slips and ends up somewhere you didn't intend it to go. Don't fret — many a gasp of surprise has come from hapless groping around in the dark. This week, don't get embarrassed by awkward fumbling or feet placed firmly in mouths. How do you think cave people discovered the myriad sexual variants that we know and love today? Fortuitous mistakes make for inventive sexual congress.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Oh, the burden of possessing some new sex trick and having no one to try it on! Such will be your burden this week. It'll seem like the second you devise a plan, all the potential participants vanish. Spend this downtime honing the details, confident that by the time others are ready to dive in with you again, your little performance will have grown into a magnum opus.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Obsessing over the successes of those who don't deserve them will get you nowhere. Yes, it's unfair that those whose bulging deltoids are more pronounced than their IQs should get all the action. This week, focus on your own conquests and you'll find that round, hard masses of flesh can't compare with the soft, mushy grey matter bouncing around in your head, all things being equal.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You'll be a fountain of wisdom this week, like the Harper's Index, but sexier. Don't underestimate the power of age-old insight and ancient fortune-cookie counsel when it comes to skills in the bedroom. Some think sexual prowess is all about instinct, but your ability to quote Confucius without mumbling while performing oral sex is the ne plus ultra of kink.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
This week, wrap your gift of gab in some shiny paper and give it to a friend, because keeping uncharacteristically mum will afford you all sorts of juicy gossip. You'll learn that your ex has been having trouble reaching orgasm with his or her allegedly outstanding new lover, and that the hottie with the feathered hair who you've been crushing on just happens to love yellow carnations and is free Friday night. Use your newfound information wisely and you'll be able to prattle on all you want next week.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
You'll be a bit too contemporary for your own good this week. Remember that Sufjan Stevens CD you used to love so much? It now sits lonely and forgotten because you've moved on to Sleeping States. Being hip is one thing, but leaving something perfectly good behind as soon as something new comes along is quite another. Make sure you're going after what you really want, not just what your short attention span desires.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
You don't need to hear, "Did you hurt yourself falling from the sky? Because you look like an angel" too many times to realize that it's wise to avoid come-ons. This will be especially true this week, as the best course of action will be to keep quiet and let your crushes come to you. You'll seem appealingly nonchalant compared to the desperate braying that's going on around you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
You have a tendency to forget about your partners the second they hop out of your bed, which will result in some hurt feelings this week. Take time out to exercise your memory and pay closer attention to others. Remember the little things that make that certain person feel special: occasional flowers and gifts, lots of warm eye contact, vigorous Kegel exercises and cold, hard cash.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Venting your sexual frustrations is one thing. Taking out your emotional problems on your sex partner is another. This week, ensure that you're not using a loved one as a punching bag. Deal with your problems out loud, and let sex be the healthy outlet of all those filthy urges you used to feel in Sunday school.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your elaborate schemes will run into snags this week. Yes, a porno version of Happy Feet would no doubt sell like hotcakes, but where are you going to get fifteen tons of ice? Have you even priced penguin outfits? You're going to need at least five for the orgy scene. You have a tendency to get ahead of yourself. Rather than over-thinking things, think around them. What you come up with will be far more inspired.
