Dating Advice From . . . Engineers by Steph Auteri Q. For optimal functionality, what should go into a first-date emergency kit? A. Fine wine, road flares, a snake-bite kit and Ghirardelli chocolates.
The Silver Ring Thing has attracted the most press of any abstinence program in America, which has been both a blessing and a curse for the unconventional organization. On one hand, SRT has gotten a million dollars in federal funding since 2003 and is reaching thousands of teens. (An SRT show for 600,000 people is scheduled for this summer in Atlanta). On the other, the anti-condom group has garnered hostility from the likes of BBC News, ElleGirl, and even Christina Aguilera, who interviewed its members for MTV.
We spoke with the program's founder, Denny Pattyn, about what sets SRT apart from other abstinence programs — besides, of course, the jewelry, the comedy and the laser light shows. — Kate Sullivan
How would you compare Silver Ring Thing to other religion-based abstinence programs and to other sex education programs in general?
There really isn't another program like ours. Most abstinence programs are education-based, curriculum-based programs, classroom-based. Very few are trying to do what we do, putting in the effort of bringing in $150,000-$200,000 worth of equipment, putting on a show, bringing in $50,000 worth of ring inventory so everyone can get a ring that night.
Why do you think it's important for teenagers to display their chastity with rings?
The most important reason is that it's a constant reminder on your finger that you made a decision. A lot of abstinence education is just that: education. And three weeks later you're in the backseat of a car, the hormones are raging. You have hormones and you have information — what's going to win? But if you have the ring, you know, "I not only have information, I made a decision to put a ring on. I took a pledge." Then it's like marriage.
What do you think the most common misconception about abstinence programs is?
The most common argument is, why don't we teach about condoms if it protects kids? One of the questions I get is, "If a kid came up to you and said, I'm going to be sexually active. Would you tell him to use a condom?" I say, let's make it even simpler, let's say that person was my daughter. My answer would be no. Because the long-term problems I believe my daughter is going to experience by being sexually active are not going to be solved with condoms.
What is your objection to condoms — don't they save lives?
Condoms reduce the risk of getting HIV up to eighty-five percent of the time, help prevent gonorrhea in men and potentially chlamydia in men, but for the twenty-seven other sexually transmitted diseases, the data proves that condoms don't help. You can get human papillomavirus if you have a condom on; it's transferred skin-to-skin.
I think condoms lead a kid down the wrong trail. I think it's going to hurt them more than it's going to help, because they're going to have more sex. They're going to feel freer to have sex because they think they have protection. I've been working with kids for twenty-five years, I know how kids think, trust me, I have three of my own. You can't give kids the message "I don't want you to do something" and then tell them how to do it.
Denny Pattyn
Don't you think the subtitle Epidemic: How Teen Sex Is Killing Our Kids [a book featured on the SRT website] is a bit alarmist?
It is, but it's true. Right now in America, sixty-five million Americans have a sexually transmitted disease. The Center for Disease Control says that. That's one fourth of our population. It's killing people. AIDS is killing people. The human papillomavirus is the most prevalent STD. It causes ninety-nine percent of all cervical cancer in women. As many women in America die from human papillomavirus-created cervical cancer as they do of AIDS. In other words, it is that bad.
Studies have shown that teens who take an abstinence pledge are more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors like oral and anal sex, thinking it's not sex. What does SRT tell their pledgers about handjobs, oral and anal sex?
Just so you know, a lot of those studies are being debated. These are very liberal organizations, Harvard University and Yale University, doing these studies. We teach that oral sex is sex because you can get a sexually transmitted disease.
What does SRT tell their pledgers about handjobs?
We tell kids you shouldn't be touching anyone's personal, private areas. That is the beginning of sexual activity however you measure it.
What is permitted before marriage?
Basic dating, holding hands, kissing — but not to the point where you're getting into the next step of sex behavior, cuddling.
So only un-arousing kissing?
Yeah, some people like to say "from the neck up" [is permissible] and the "waist down" [is not permissible]. We don't say stupid stuff like that, because we think it doesn't sound right. Basically, be responsible. Don't tempt the other person. Don't place the other person in a situation you wouldn't want your own sister to be in. You wouldn't appreciate that that's happening to someone you loved.
What is permitted after marriage?
We don't actually teach anything on that. I don't know what would or wouldn't be permitted after marriage. The two become one. I'm not going to say you should or shouldn't have anal sex, you should or shouldn't have oral sex.
How mad would God be if I just had sex with one person before marriage?
I don't think he would be mad, I think he would want you to understand that that's not his intention for you. But afterward, did you marry that person?
Say I didn't.
If you didn't, you would be doing what's considered a sin in the Bible.
But if I did marry them, then it wouldn't be a sin?
No, it would still be a sin. It's something that if you really cared about God, and you wanted to have a relationship with him, you'd ask him to forgive you and you would try to not have that behavior in the future.
When were you married?
I've been married for nineteen years. And I have three children.
Are your daughters involved in the program?
All three put on the ring the first second they could. They had wanted to put it on when they were three or something, but we wouldn't let them. And not only did they put it on, they brought all their friends to the program. Both my parents were atheists. I was way, way far from any religious experience, wanted none of this Christian syrupy thing. I needed something that was real, made sense, that I could relate to and that's how we've designed Silver Ring Thing to reach a guy like I was.
And how were you as a teenager?
My life was a mess. I burned down a house in my neighborhood. I got into a lot of trouble. The first girlfriend I dated killed some guy.
So how did you become a religious activist?
Well, I'm not a religious activist. That's an interesting terminology. What I am is a person who believes that you can have a relationship with God.
Could non-Christian teens join Silver Ring Thing?
Absolutely. We've had Jewish people come. One of the questions [SRT gets] is: "Well if I'm Jewish, how can I come to your Christian program?" Well, you can come and make an abstinence decision. And they say, "Well your ring has a cross on it." Then go get another ring. I say, let me help you start Jewish Silver Ring Thing, a Muslim Silver Ring Thing, because faith is a key piece to this.
I think the biggest problem with abstinence programs is public relations — the "shalt not" makes it less of an individual decision for a teenager struggling for power and a personal identity. It's intimidating and preachy, and teenagers get enough of that as is. How does your program differ from that?
It's totally different. The first thing I want to do is blow their mind. Knock them down. Blow them up.
That's what the lasers are for?
Well, the lasers — but we start out with Star Wars, we start out with Lord of the Rings and we're in the movie, we put ourselves in the movie. We do Saturday Night Live humor. Our guys up on the stage are whacked, crazy people. They're nuts. They're some of the craziest people I know. And we're trying to break up the myth, you may not like this, but you're not going to walk out saying we're lame.
Does the program ever act as an accidental or intentional dating service?
Yes, accidental. Yeah, that happens quite often, I would think, because they meet people that they have the same values as, and it makes life easy.
Silver Ring Thing is primarily geared toward teens. Is there a next level for people in their twenties? Like Eagle Scouts?
Well, actually this new program SRT 4:34 [a DVD-based do-it-yourself abstinence program]. There's a lot of pain out there in peoples' lives: divorce, abuse, people who have gotten ripped off sexually or ripped off relationship-y. When they hear about this message they kind of start over. Some adults will say, "Well, I'm not a teenager, I'm twenty-seven. I'm going to wear this if I don't get married and if I do, I'm going to take it off and give it to my husband or wife. This ring means the world to me." n°
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
