Celebrity sex tapes are becoming as annoying as celebrities, especially since everyone has figured out that they're a quick way to put the "cheap" in cheap publicity. A "leaked" tape is a moist ticket from D-list to C-list, providing bad actors with a reason to edit their own wiki pages, and giving Hollywood producers a new meaning for "I've taken a look at your head shot."
To help navigate these shaky, hand-held portals into the depressing sex lives of the moderately famous, here's a brief history and user's guide. I've invited my girlfriend, Valerie, to watch them with me — mainly because I'm dying to feel emasculated when she sees rhino-hung Tommy Lee raise up his musky hepatitis wand like it's the opening of He-Man. Valerie has never seen a celebrity sex tape before, but I persuaded her to join me in this moronic exercise by emphasizing that they're star-studded and full of juicy bits, just like her subscription to People.
 Rob Lowe and two French girls
Leaked: 1988
Description: The original sex tape and probably filmed on a camera as big as your arm. Brat Packer Lowe packs his brat into the baguettes of two French fillies. Apparently this taping occurred during the Democratic National Convention; we wonder if Lowe's romp hurt Michael Dukakis' campaign more than the tank photo shoot.
Girlfriend reaction: She really liked Lowe in St. Elmo's Fire and The West Wing, but we didn't look for the tape because one of the girls was underage.
Rating: N/A
 Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly
Leaked: 1994
Description: A crazy wedding memento from some very crazy people. This is an appropriately old-school video from an old-school tabloid staple, and it's suitably blurry and dull. It was made years before people learned to act like porn stars in their sex tapes, so Harding rides her new hubby like no one's even watching. So sweet! Ain't love grand?
Girlfriend reaction: When we find a site hosting the tape, Valerie isn't fazed by the banner ad of a girl getting way too intimate with a lollipop, but she is completely shocked by the fact that this is the way Harding would celebrate her wedding night. But most of her criticism is reserved for Harding's outfit: "What is she wearing under that dress? Pantaloons?"
Rating: One star
 Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee
Leaked: 1998
Description: The Citizen Kane of sex tapes, a true original whose artistic achievements have yet to be duplicated. Light years ahead of their time, Anderson and Lee fill a VHS tape with luxurious aquatic locations, hilarious dialogue and one unbelievable cock. (Oh yeah, Lee's penis is pretty big too.) Lee verbalizes like a well-hung Beavis — "Fuck! You rip!" — and Anderson conquers his monster like she's eating a bean burrito. But the real joy of the tape is how fun and happy the couple was. It's an actual intimate moment caught on tape, as opposed to the hundreds of ensuing videos of hyper-aware people who are pretending to be intimate but are really entering the fame-whore Olympics. It's like watching the first Real World.
Girlfriend reaction: "Wow, that's enormous!"
Rating: Five stars
 Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels
Leaked: 1998
Description: Anderson does an impressive job going to town on then-has-been Poison frontman Michaels. The singer is not ashamed to show the world his totally average peen, but he's still too self-conscious to take off that fucking bandanna. Totally worth a watch for the former Tool Time girl's amazing tool work — and for Michaels' in-the-zone face, as if he were watching C.C. DeVille play a particularly ripping solo.
Girlfriend reaction: Valerie successfully decimates my poor, defenseless boner: "It's really creepy to think that she has kids who are old enough to search the Internet. I'd rather not see my mom blow Bret Michaels." Luckily, Valerie's mom was voted off Rock of Love in, like, the first round.
Rating: Four stars
 R. Kelly and a 14-year-old girl
Leaked: 2002
Description: The Chicago Sun-Times staff wouldn't even admit to watching it when they wrote their story. No way Valerie and I are gonna touch this. The fourteen-year-old in question is singer Sparkle's niece, so we watch Sparkle's video for "Be Careful" instead.
Girlfriend reaction: "What a boring song."
Rating: N/A
 Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon
Leaked: 2003
Description: Pudgy celebuleech and all-around creepazoid Salomon shows why he shouldn't be with any human woman, ever. Featuring half-hearted cock-sucking and loud commentary from an idiot suitor, this tape is the only thing that will make you feel sorry for Paris Hilton. Part of Salomon's wooing process involves saying "Let me see your beaver" in a Mexican accent. If your idea of sexy is nauseating night vision, this is the video for you!
Girlfriend reaction: Valerie can't enjoy the sex because she's visibly angry at what a douchebag Salomon is — "Why is this man famous and how is he in a position to be with her?" Yet she's intrigued by my effortless ability to navigate free porno sites and my even more effortless ability to get sidetracked on this assignment and just watch real porn.
Rating: Three stars
 Chyna and X-Pac
Leaked: 2004
Description: Professional wrestlers Joanie "Chyna" Laurer and Sean "X-Pac" Waltman have gentle, muscley sex. After countless nights of throwing people off the turnbuckle, these two clearly just want to make tender love like a pair of fauns romping in the underbrush. They do, however, still fuck to Rob Zombie-style "entrance music."
Girlfriend reaction: Chyna is built like a brick shithouse that's been power-lifting other brick shithouses. Accordingly, her clit is pierced and the size of a baby carrot. Says Valerie: "I don't even know what I'm seeing!"
Rating: Four stars
 Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain
Leaked: 2005
Description: Relentlessly charming Farrell and Playboy Playmate Narain get down to the dulcet tones of "The Humpty Dance." Farrell is hilarious throughout. He cracks wise until Narain essentially blows him to shut him up. Mid-coitus, he says, "Some of the shabbiest fucking photography in the history of porn." Adorable! Hell, I want to do him after watching this. However, a warning: there's nothing creepier than watching a dude with a shaved head perform cunnilingus. It's like watching someone give birth to a big, weird baby over and over again.
Girlfriend reaction: Do yourself a favor and watch this one with your girlfriend. This way, when Farrell garbles "Ifthiffuggincmbbb" in his thick Irish brogue, she can explain to you that he's really saying, "If this camera could blush, it would be red, you're so fucking hot." Says Valerie: "It's like poetry. I speak Colin Farrell."
Rating: Four and a half stars
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