 Fred Durst and friend
Leaked: 2005
Description: The doughy Limp Bizkit front man puts his little red cap into some anonymous nookie on a brief video taken from his hacked cell phone. The girl is smoking hot, which may just aggravate you.
Girlfriend reaction: After going from Tommy Lee and Colin Farrell to this, Valerie screams at an up-close shot of Durst's ecstatic, dumbstruck, idiot face.
Rating: Two stars
 Kid Rock, Scott Stapp and a bunch of groupies
Leaked: 2006
Description: I'm pretty sure the full tape has never leaked, but what little footage is out there basically shows Kid Rock, Creed frontclown Stapp and some girls who make bad decisions sharing a little precious backstage time. Stapp is a consummate dickface, barely looking the girls in the eye. Kid Rock even treats him like a houseguest who has stayed too long. Fuck that guy.
Girlfriend reaction: When I first tell her we're going to watch the Kid Rock-Scott Stapp sex tape, she says, "Wait a minute! Kid Rock's not gay!"
Rating: One star
 Dustin Diamond and two girls
Leaked: 2006
Description: Screech from Saved by the Bell acts out against the world. It's refreshing to see an actor hook up with normal-looking girls instead of your standard models, but it's pretty lousy how Diamond treats these two like objects — and then gives one of them a Dirty Sanchez.
Girlfriend reaction: I dutifully explain to Valerie what a Dirty Sanchez is and wait for her to recoil in horror. But after watching eight of these videos, she simply says, "That's stupid." As for the value of our "star" attraction, Valerie adds, "We may as well be watching Bob Saget. In fact, I'd probably prefer that." Get crackin', Bob!
Rating: Two stars
 Kim Kardashian and Ray J
Leaked: 2007
Description: If you ever need a reminder as to why fame vampire Kardashian is on TV, here's a bonertastic primer: she is totally gorgeous, totally stacked and apparently a totally fantastic lay. If she would make even one more sex tape, I'd be okay with her entire family clinging to fame like dingleberries until the end of time. The best part of this video is when Ray J talks to his future masturbating self: "Ray J, when you're jacking off to this and you're really in your zone... Go hard on 'em, homie." I even imagine a Back to the Future-style scenario in which a future masturbating Ray J goes into the past and gives valuable advice to the young masturbating Ray J — like "Don't grip so hard" and "Putting your finger in your ass doesn't make you gay, homie."
Girlfriend reaction: Valerie wonders why Ray J shakes his head back and forth like a blender when performing cunnilingus.
Rating: Four and a half stars. Go hard on 'em, homie!
 Gene Simmons and friend
Leaked: 2008
Description: Kiss frontman Simmons fucks like what a teenage boy imagines sex is like: kissing a blonde with fake boobs, grinding on a leopard-print blanket, penetrating when the chorus hits in Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is."
Girlfriend reaction: Also like with a teenage boy, there's no foreplay and lots of boring thrusting. Valerie notices right away: "There is no way this feels good to her. She may as well be reading a book." All of which is hilarious to me because Simmons has probably had more practice in the past week than I'll have in my entire life.
Rating: One star
 Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer and Renae Shrider
Leaked: 2008
Description: Barrrrffff.
Girlfriend reaction: "Wait, didn't he die? I thought I read somewhere that he died."
Rating: Zero stars
 Dustin "Lance" Black and friend
Leaked: 2009
Description: Oscar-winning Milk producer Black and a young stud recorded a little bareback romp, a few stills of which were circulating this past summer. Black must have traded that Oscar for some awesome lawyers, because most of the pics have been scrubbed from the Internet. But if you search for a good twenty minutes, you may find some unmemorable pictures of wieners and butts.
Girlfriend reaction: "A producer? We're not even going to watch actors?" She's right, searching this shit out is about as interesting as trying to find risqué pictures of a gaffer. Fuck it.
Rating: One star
 Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart and Kari Ann Peniche
Leaked: 2009
Description: The dude from Grey's Anatomy, the girl from the Noxzema commercials and some other girl roll around in a Jacuzzi and spout coked-up gibberish. Dane tells the girls that when they get in the tub, "the water level is going to rise considerably," which is dumb because no one wants to bang Bill Nye. Also, it's not so much a sex tape as a bunch of drugged-up actards prancing around naked, so don't watch this unless you're hell-bent on convincing advertisers that gossip sites can get away with writing "sex tape" on practically anything.
Girlfriend reaction: Valerie takes note of the "unfortunate dialogue," and I have to agree. These are mediocre actors, not gifted improv performers. When the cast members of Reno 911! release their sex tape, I'm sure it will be a lot funnier. Also, Valerie has no idea who these people are and suspects that if they were really famous, they could afford a bigger Jacuzzi. Lame.
Rating: Zero stars
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