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7. He's completely safe...

If I had to walk down a dark alley opposite one male celebrity, it would Chris Kattan, but JGL would be a close second. He just seems like such a good guy — someone my dad would call "bud" or "a real straight-shooter." He's like the long-term male best friend I'd spontaneously kiss one rainy night and then think, "Yes, of course! This makes sense! It was always this, wasn't it?" He would text me the next day. He would plan really thoughtful dates. He would say "I love you" first, and cry during The Iron Giant.

8. ...completely safe.

In our hypothetical relationship, I wouldn't fight with Gor-Lev, because I wouldn't have enough passion to. We would spend our nights watching Iron Chef and sharing soup, and there would always be something missing. Eventually, I would break up with him, and he'd probably look at me all doe-eyed and immediately forgive me. He would make a really great Spotify playlist to help him "process." We'd stay in touch. I'd like his new girlfriend. After a while, we would barely remember that we even dated.

9. I would love to sleep with him...

I bet Joseph Gordon-Levitt is an amazing kisser. I bet he kisses in such a way that you feel it down in your spine. His snuggle game is surely on-point, and you know he has nice sheets. I'd love to spend a night with JGL: get wine-drunk, listen to yé-yé records from the '60s, pull off his bow tie, maybe let him get to second base, and then curl up beside him and fall asleep. The next morning would probably be equally blissful, involving a home-cooked breakfast and a bad movie or two. Then, when anybody would ask if I had sex with him, I would roll my eyes and tell them that it wasn't like that, that what we had was something special, that Joey was different.

10. ...but literally, just sleep, because I can't imagine being penetrated by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

That's it; when it comes to JGL, I would be perfectly content with a PG-13 rated love affair. The desire I feel for him and his freckles and his impish features is entirely naïve. I don't lust after him. I can't imagine what his penis looks like, even when I really try. (Here, I'll try again right now. Nope, nothing.) He's a riveting young actor, absolutely dreamy and adorable, but is he sexy? Not in my rom-com. But who knows? Maybe one day JGL will have me fanning myself like an old woman feeling the spirit in church. Just remember what Angels in the Outfield taught you, Joseph — Ya Gotta Believe!

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