How Are Olympians Going to Have Sex If They All Have Tiny Beds?

It's like two felled oaks making love on top of a band-aid.

by kate hakala

The Sochi Olympics, though they haven't even come to pass, have been nothing but fraught in horrifying controversy and questions of sexual freedom. But as we all know, when you swarm thousands upon thousands of robust, sinewy-muscled adonises in one Olympic Village, no matter how regressively homophobic your political policies, there's nothing you can do to prevent a little after hours bobsledding. With less than a week until the Winter Games open, Olympians are trickling into their new temporary homes, only to open the door and see, well, the contents of a middle-grade Barcelona hostel. Olympian Elana Meyers took photos of the accommodations in both the coastal and mountain cluster.

 

Just checked in in my room in #Sochi pic.twitter.com/pVrlNtsgbz

— Elana Meyers (@eamslider24) January 30, 2014

 

Take away the flashy red herring quilt and you're left with two absolutely tiny twin beds lining a dull gray room. That kind of night's sleep does nothing to inspire athleticism, competition, or vitality. And, looking at NBA player Tyson Chandler hanging 1/5 of his body off of his pygmy bed during the London games, you have to wonder how Olympians will ever smoosh their biologically superior genitals together on such a meager surface area. I mean, even the Catholic school girls in Madeline had marginally better digs.

Past Olympian debauchery has been well established. The saying goes what happens in the Village stays in the Village. I am just wondering, Russia, how can it happen in the Village when all you've provided are Borrowers-sized mattresses? Imagine, if you will, a speedskater mounting a snowboarder on top of a Russian Olympic Village bed. It's like two felled oaks making love on top of a band-aid.

[h/t Business Insider]

Image via @eamslider24 and @lolojones.