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State your hypothesis in the form of a prediction that can be verified by the results of the experiment.
Many people place female ejaculation in the same file as Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster and Chupacabra: titillating to think about, ultimately a crock of shit. It's sort of a sexual urban legend: a woman's ability to gush, shoot or drip ejaculate — not pee — as a result of G-spot stimulation. Yet according to many sex manuals and instructional vids, squirting can be readily learned, then regularly incorporated into mind-blowing sex with a partner. So until I conjure a tsunami d'amour from the crotch of my girlfriend, I'll continue to feel like half a man. I never imagined that not having to buy rubber sheets from the incontinence aisle at the pharmacy would leave me feeling sexually inadequate.
Please list all the materials required for this experiment (including, if applicable, how they were obtained).
DVD: New Sex Now (1)
Massage oil (cherry almond)
Book: The Big Bang
In this portion of your report, you must describe, step-by-step, what you did in your lab. It should be specific enough that someone who has not seen the lab can follow the directions and recreate the same lab.
Many of my experiments have put me in unfamiliar situations, but with female ejaculation I was really heading for (ahem) uncharted waters. I felt like Geraldo Rivera in 1986, opening Al Capone's vault on live television: I was headed for a wondrous discovery — or professional suicide and a possible future on daytime television.
First, let me say that I am a believer in female ejaculation. I have seen it with my own eyes. Kind of. In September of 2000, I was traveling home from a sex party-type thing at Lisa Carver's house. A couple named Lilly and Sven were giving me a ride from New Hampshire to Boston. En route to a funeral in Cheers country, they stopped by their house to change into suitable attire. As they dressed for mourning, Lilly sat me down in the living room and cheerfully put on a videotape of her and Sven fucking. In the ultimate scene, Sven helped Lilly produce an ejaculation so forceful that it hit the camera lens from five feet away and almost knocked it off the tripod. I was speechless. In porn, much trickery is employed to make vaginas appear to squirt — double the money shots, double the money, right? — but this was a couple's home movie produced for their own edification. That was enough evidence for me.
Much smack has been talked about a woman's ability to let her love flow. Some scientists have another name for female ejaculation: they call it pee. But in their new book The Big Bang, my esteemed colleagues Em and Lo note that female ejaculation was observed by the ancient Greeks, Japanese and Chinese. It's even discussed in the Kama Sutra. I envisioned a time when the streets of Carthage, Sparta and Babylon were awash with unencumbered vaginal juices. (Apparently, squirting got a bad rap only in the eighteenth century, when it was deemed unladylike. So it's apparently a lost art, like needlepoint or butter churning.) My further research indicated that many contemporary texts speak of the phenomenon. For example, in the Motley Crue memoir The Dirt, Tommy Lee refers to his ex-girlfriend Bullwinkle, who would keep the other band members entertained by squirting inordinate amounts of fluid across the group's living room.
At this point, I think it's important to address the reasons why one would want to soak the sheets in the first place. I called Lorelei, who was taken aback by my question. "Why?" she cried. "Because it's fucking cool, that's why!" Since female ejaculation usually, although not always, accompanies a G-spot orgasm, that appears to be the general consensus. When I quizzed other women about the accompanying physical sensations, I was told that it was a "different" kind of release, often more intense than a clitoral orgasm. "I never try to do it for anything but novel reasons," said one friend. "Like for the fun of it, or because my lover wants to see. Personally, I just like it because it's dirty in a very woman-power sort of way. And because I have a total juvenile fascination with what my body can do."
After realizing that I wasn't propositioning them, most of the women I spoke with had only vaguely heard of the phenomenon; they hadn't expreienced it firsthand. Some of my guy friends, however, told tales for days. Kris, a Londoner, said that although he hadn't slept with a squirter, his friend once had anal sex with a girl while employing a vibrator on her clitoris when the levee broke. Awestruck, I asked whether that was a regular occurrence, but apparently it was a one-night stand! (If I knew that people were having one-nighters in England involving sex toys, anal action and geysers of love juice, I'm not sure I would have left.) Another pal of mine, Dirk, waxed poetic about the composition of the ejaculate. "It's water, or even thinner than water, like alcohol. I had a tiny cut on my finger, and it really stung when it got on me. It definitely wasn't pee." Dirk couldn't remember "doing" anything different with his girl; he believes that some women do, and some just . . . don't. (This is a sentiment shared by Em and Lo.)
My good friend Bing, however, is a goal-oriented dude. He claims to have made three formally continent girls let it all out, each for the first time. After I called bullshit on his bravado, he went through the trouble of bringing another girl home, then snapping a digital picture of the puddle they produced. (While I'd like to think that he just threw a pint of water on his comforter, I'm pretty sure that even Bing wouldn't go that far. And before you ask — yes, he does have a Hooksexup Personals ad. Email me for details.) "There's no mystery to it," he assured me. "Just have tons of foreplay, like an hour or more, then go in, lean back and make sure you hit the sweet spot with your ridge."
As I was stewing with indignation about being ultimately, finally sexually trumped by Bing, my editor slapped a DVD on my desk. According to its cover, New Sex Now contains secret, step-by-step techniques that will give any man the ability to "give any woman squirting orgasms every time" and thus "become a sexual god." This looked promising. The testimonials on the back cover had me racing to get out of the office and ruin my bedding. ("This has got to be illegal!" My whole body just feels out of control — and I just can't stop cumming!")
I called my girlfriend, Erica, and said she was in for a treat.
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