My First Time

Female, 18, Iowa

All of my friends adored chick flicks and had been preparing their weddings since they were kids. I was that annoying cynical rebel with the teen angst problem. I was never much of a romantic. Then I met a guy and all of that changed. A “bad boy” and an extreme narcissist, he wasn’t exactly my type. But somehow, I fell head over heels madly in love with him. We held hands, walked in the park, kissed every chance we got, talked together until 5 a.m. – all of those nauseating things I could never imagine myself doing. I would even dance around my room with my teddy bear and pretend it was our wedding dance. We were going to live in a castle, have a bunch of babies, have a pet dragon and live happily ever after (keep in mind I had the naivety of a 10-year-old). There was this moment when were walking together and holding hands. I looked over at him and thought “I love you with my entire heart.” It was the perfect summer.

So September came around and I moved away to college. We both were so sad and pouty that day.  But then just we laughed about how it won’t be long until we see each other again and we need to stop freaking out. I had to settle into college and focus on my new classes, but I had Fridays off. So he made plans to visit me the first Friday after I moved in. We both had been talking about it just about every second until then, about what a romantic day we would have together.

Finally, that Friday came. I woke and looked at my phone and saw no new messages. After awhile I got antsy, so I sent a text that said “Good morning.” He replied something like “oh hi I just woke up.” I felt a bit disappointed because my college was about 300 miles away from home. It would be a few hours until he would get here. A few minutes later, I get a call and he says “Where are you? I’m in your dorm.” I freaked out and ran down the stairs as fast as I could. We ran toward each other he lifted me up and kissed me like in The Notebook (minus the rain).

He came to my room and things didn’t exactly go as planned. I thought we would go around campus and have a date day together. Instead, we basically jumped onto each other and made out like crazy. Things were getting heated quickly. Then, boom, we were naked. I looked into his eyes and he knew I wanted him. We started having sex. All the chemistry we had during all of those months together just faded off into oblivion. The sex was painful (for me), awkward, not pleasurable, and we just wanted to finish. I can’t even put into words how bad it was. It was horrible for both of us.

We got dressed and went for a walk around campus. I was in a complete stupor.  The guy that I was in love with looked at me in disgust. During the summer, we felt so comfortable around each other and drawn together like magnets. Now, we were like awkward strangers together on a bad blind date. I hated this feeling. I still loved him deeply. I wanted to make things work. I wanted to keep trying at having better sex. He didn’t. He just wanted to give up.

We walked down to the fountain together and sat on a bench. We made meaningless small talk. Then there was a long, awkward silence that seemed to last for hours. I broke the silence. I turned to him and said, “It’s over, isn’t it? He responded “Let’s not talk about this.” My heart felt like it sunk so hard and so low that it could have blasted out through the other side of the Earth. We spent the rest of the day just trying to figure out what to say to each other.

At night, he informed me he was going to drive home (yes, over 300 miles in the middle of the night to get away from me). I wanted him to spend the night, but he insisted on leaving because of some half-assed excuse. He was stubborn and I knew he had his mind made up. So I took him to the door. I looked him in the eyes and said “I love you” and he looked me in the eyes and said “I love you too.” I closed the door. I desperately wanted to run after him and tell him not to go but I didn’t. To this day, I’m still not sure why I didn’t. That was the last time I ever saw him.

Although I’ve gone on to have much better sexual experiences, I have never loved anyone nearly as much as I loved him. 

Image via Flickr.

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