True Stories: The Almost-Affair That Changed My Life
What I learned from almost cheating.
by Jennifer Armstrong
He disappointed me on first sight. I had read his novel and fallen in love with it, in lust with it even, and had gone to his reading to sink my eyes into him in the flesh. But what I thought when I walked in and saw him skulking around the podium at the front of the room was, Hmmm, gawkier than his photo. Too bad.
And also: thank God. I was, after all, engaged at the time.
These facts together — his gawkiness, my engagement — made it easier to say yes when he suggested we get drinks together the following week. The pitcher of watermelon margarita we consumed that evening, a perfect, endless June night in a bar's twinkle-lit garden, made it easier to slip past his gawkiness back into lust. Lust with his book, with his knowingly disarrayed hair, with his uncompromising hazel eyes, with his sinewy shoulders, with his powdery smell when he hugged me goodbye for too long. I was almost thirty and should have known better. I was almost thirty and looking for an escape hatch before it was too late.
It wasn't an affair in any technical sense, but it wasn't exactly what pop psychology likes to call an "emotional affair" either. It was not physical, but it was not not physical. And given the author's lack of emotional availability, it could not have possibly been emotional.
I didn't want to spend my life with him. I wanted to sit across from him occasionally at that Mexican restaurant with the watermelon margaritas, enjoying the coating of salt on the tortilla chips as a chaser to the sweetness of the endless drinks. I wanted to accidentally brush his forearm with my hand as it reached for the guacamole, perhaps on a weekly basis or thereabouts. I wanted to enjoy his feigned shock at my being taken — "Oh, is that what that ring means?" — no more often than every seven to ten days. I wanted to linger in those goodbye embraces at the subway station, smelling his laundry-fresh cologne and imagining him stripped of his vintage T-shirt and Diesel jeans, but I only wanted to do that once in a while. That last part, I could've enjoyed every three or four days, admittedly. I thought about it even more often. But the thinking was more than half of the fun.
It wasn't about love, and it was only about imagined sex.
And somehow, through its lack of love and its lack of sex, I learned everything I know about love and sex. It taught me what I wanted in a lover, and what I didn't want. It taught me that I was desirable, of course, as all affairs, even faux-fairs like this one, do. And it taught me how close we all are to becoming cheaters, at any time — this, in particular, is something I love and hate knowing, something that allows me to relate just a little even to the Tiger Woodses and, especially, the Anthony Weiners of our time. There but for the grace of technological advancement — and, of course, the lack of a specific desire to flirt via photos of waxed body parts — go I.
That said, from what I can tell, I handled my situation a bit differently from Tiger and Tony. Just days after I met the author, I sat down on the beige sofa in our New Jersey condo with my fiancé to confess: "I flirted with this guy I met." He nodded, his emotion imperceptible. "I was sort-of attracted to him." He nodded again. "He wants to have drinks with me now." Another nod. "I sort of want to go."
This bout of honesty — my first venture into truthfulness in a relationship wherein I'd routinely swallowed my feelings to broker peace — went over shockingly smoothly. My betrothed just chuckled casually. "You should go if you want to go," was all he said before launching into a jokey monologue about where we'd go. "Will it be a romantic picnic in the park? Will you stroll through bookstores together?"
It was then that I realized the intoxicating power of brutal truth — I'd told my fiancé everything, and nothing bad had happened! This released something inside me that was big and dark and ultimately deadly to our relationship. Once upon a time, I'd avoided even such simple truths as telling him that no, I did not want to spend another Saturday night watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, for fear he would leave me because I had a lower tolerance for sci-fi than he did. Now I embarked on a rampage of acting out, like a teenager, then telling the truth about it, like an adult, all because I'd suddenly discovered that I could.
It didn't occur to me at the time that my fiancé had only accepted my initial truth about being attracted to the author as a mere defense mechanism. I took his reaction to mean he didn't care. I later saw how much he did, but this was after a too-long process of unraveling our decade together, a process that would eventually become too-entwined with the specter of the author, and too hurtful to ever recover from. The author didn't know it at the time, but he had become the source of my power. He thought he was just recklessly flirting with a bored, engaged woman out for a self-esteem boost before submitting to a life of New Jersey townhouses and trips to Home Depot. Instead, he was showing me a secret doorway few of us ever glimpse: the one that leads to our alternate life.
Contrary to my fiance's predictions, the author and I did not, in fact, go on any picnics throughout our many meetings, though there was a great deal of bookstore-strolling. He took me to innumerable author readings, too, in dingy basement bars filled with literary-minded people who eventually became my friends. I suddenly saw myself as a sexy, intelligent woman worthy of flirtation and publication. That was because they saw me that way, and because he saw me that way. He acted as if I should and could and would write a book (almost) as good as his.
The fact that he sometimes rubbed up against me when we said goodnight felt almost irrelevant to me. It felt more like the price I paid for inspiration, and not in a sexually harassing way since I didn't mind it. As Tina Fey pointed out in Bossypants, talent may not be sexually transmitted. But I'm not convinced that at least a little of that magic dust isn't passed along via rubbing up against each other after a few too many drinks.
Commentarium (82 Comments)
Wow, you sound like an incredibly emotionally abusive person. What a chump your fiance was to be "ow he was making way more out of this guy than he deserved, quite frankly " while you "got a little more physical than that".
What is it with people and writing the memoir of how they betrayed someone they cared about in a way that's all about them and how good it made them feel.
agreed!
I think the writer is defining "cheating" in some artificially narrow sense that fits her own rationalizations so she can tell herself that she "only" "almost" cheated -- from reading this, it's pretty clear to me that she did cheat. And frankly either way she doesn't seem to feel that bad about it.
I agree with drakma, there seems to be a rash of stories recently - not just on Hooksexup, there have been several on Salon and Slate too - where the writing is from an incredibly selfish and self-centered perspective and the piece describes how the author acted badly and hurt other people, but it only focuses on how this somehow helped his/her own journey of self-discovery or some such bullshit.
I agree. She did cheat. I didn't enjoy this story. It seemed very "woe is me."
This was in no way an "almost affair". You rented another apartment so you could make out with another guy. You cheated on your fiancé, congrats. Hey, if you want to do that, fine, but at least own up to it.
I agree with the others above, your actions sound pretty awful.
I understand not wanting to get married, and I get that a long relationship that is foundering tends to drag itself out far longer than it should. But that wasn't an almost affair, that was ending a relationship using tactics straight out of the playbook of some silly junior high relationship. It's dishonest to pretend otherwise.
Also, itu, I'd be interested to know the selfish article on Slate that you read, I don't remember one offhand.
Not being loyal to your fiance IS cheating. He deserves better than you, and you deserve nothing at all.
I feel so very sorry for your fiance. He trusted you, tried to give you some room and you cheated on him...and yes you did.
There is nothing 'almost' about this. You fucked over your relationship while stringing along, teasing and emasculating another man.
This is the flip side of gaslighting,: you push hard for each man to feel that he is just a date or two away from rescuing you and you get off on the fact that they fall over themselves to please you. Your misandry is as plain as the nose on your face!
That is a very interesting idea -- the male equivalent of gaslighting being the means by which they are led on, kind of making men 'pathetic' or 'dogs' in the same way women are made out to be 'crazy.'
Ever since I read about "gaslighting" I've thought something like this -- that the male equivalent is a combination of "men are pigs" on the one hand, and "man up" on the other. In other words, using gender roles to say that a guy's feelings are either corrupt ("you men are all alike, all you do is think with your dick") or evidence of his pathetic lack of power and fortitude ("grow a pair/be a man/stop whining").
I was in exactly that position with my ex-girlfriend, thankfully over a year ago now since we broke up. I put more energy into it than she did but she pushed my buttons and strung me along, and we broke up after she cheated on me. I was definitely in the position 'nope' describes. I can happily say I've moved on and learned my lesson.
I have to say, that as much as the author seems to have acted unfairly to her fiance, I think that the way she wrote about what happened made it very understandable to me! At least the part about being powerfully attracted to someone else and being made aware of such temptations. We don't always have the insight to see how we may be behaving badly. She at least admits that. Also, it may be that this fiance was someone she didn't want to marry for very valid reasons, reasons that may also have led her to behave the way she did? I enjoyed this article, thanks for writing it.
It's totally okay to not want to marry someone. It's less okay to string them along for a decade, cheat on them for months, and then write an emotionally detached page or two about how vindicated you still feel about the whole situation.
Ryan, I bet you have never done a bad thing in your life. More importantly, I have to agree with NPC. We don't know a single thing about the fiance and yet everyone here seems to be rushing to his defense. Maybe he was a great guy, but he also seems like he really didn't know his soon-to-be wife that well after ten years together. He couldn't even tell that she was just being nice watching the shows he wanted to watch. And if he could, way to not have an equal relationship. It is a struggle many women face, trying to make everyone happy while also being true to themselves. Clearly she had never realized that making herself happy was just as important and that is a life-changing epiphany. Hence, her life change. When your world falls apart, you don't always see it happening that way because you're living in it. Only after can you actually see the mistakes you made and how you could've done things differently—I believe there's a commonly used expression for that, but I'm drawing a blank. She doesn't seem malicious, never does she say that her intention was to cause as much pain to her fiance as possible. So, sue her for being completely honest about the entire situation without fear of people passing judgement. But if you are judging, I believe you missed her point.
*Correction, you didn't almost cheat, you cheated, thats it. In my short time on this earth i've only learned a few (but i personally think valuable) lessons regarding relationships. If you're in a relationship and need to outsource some aspect of it to get the full satisfaction you need, especially if you're engaged, something is seriously wrong. It's understandable though, your needs weren't being met whether they be physical or emotional, but that doesn't warrent the wasting of somebody's precious time. And as far as weekly "breaks" every month or so (*Insert slow jerking off motion accompanied by the "you gotta be kiddin me" face here) thats insanity. You want a break, eat a fucking Kit-Kat, otherwise be the mature adult that you've claimed to be and realize that your relationship is doomed and needs to end. Damn slooty mcsloot pants, IM PISSED!!!!
You want a break, eat a fucking Kit-Kat - brilliant!
Thanks! It took me a little bit to think of it though, sad to say.
I'm shocked at the negativity here. She clearly wanted to hang out with someone who made her feel like there is possibility in the world. It's bizarre that we lack a language for this--as though everyone here truly believes that the person you marry is supposed to fulfill every need you have. They don't and they can't. After a decade of this relationship she realized she needed others (not just the author but the author's friends) to make her aware that there was more to her than just an engagement ring and future of suburban apathy. A good marriage (a marriage that lasts and has two healthy adults to show for it) requires that both partners be capable of flexibility and can offer the other room for that flexibility. Neither of these two realized that when they entered the stage of the relationship that demanded flexibility from them--thus things ended. Marriage isn't about sealing yourself off from the world (and from change) by a vow--it's about making the effort to engage the world and change with a partner (not a leaden weight).
The fiance seemed pretty flexible to me. After all he seems to have gone along with the whole sabbatical thing. And there's nothing in the story about him being a "leaden weight" so I don't know where you're drawing that from.
"She clearly wanted to hang out with someone who made her feel like there is possibility in the world." - No, the only thing that is clear is that she wanted to fuck around with some other dude, and didn't have the backbone or conscience to first break it off with a guy who loved her, and I'm sure she claimed to have loved as well. And then writing this story, making herself out to be this innocent, confused girl who "almost cheated" - What a bitch.
So I think the person I empathize with is the ex that was cheated on. I gave my (ex) bf the same freedoms and it definitely lead to that same path. Except he never moved out on me and she also has a bf shes not breaking up. I'm not going to call the author a horrible person, but I would question how karma will pay her back in the end...
How ironic that the ad on this page is "conflict free wedding rings . . . "
and another ad now reads, " create your own ethical origin (ring)"
Somewhat... nicely written. Infidelity, the ultimate experience, either being a cheater - biggest selfesteem boost - or the cheated - biggest selfesteem blow!
One more vote that this author is a jerk, and should dig a little deeper into this experience and maybe come up out with a better story with more depth and less self-worship/bottomless ego. People do bad things, sure. But the author here doesn't even reflect on what a coward she is. Rather than face anything head-on or own her own actions she uses one man to get out of an engagement with another man. There are much much better ways to do these things.
This is as bad as the book "Cleaving" by Julie Powell!
the author is a deplorable "human" being. she's callus, almost psychotically, and definitely delusional if she doesn't think her actions constituted cheating. actually she did worse than cheat. she behaved like an emotional terrorist. her ex-fiance needs to grow a pair too.
What a douche. It's one thing to cheat but to do it and convince yourself that it was anything else but? Douche - pure and simple.
People define cheating differently. To me, cheating is having sex with someone who is not your partner while in a monogamous relationship. This author definitely betrayed her fiance's trust, but she may not have cheated depends on how she and her ex defined it.
Thanks Bill Clinton.
So if your partner were to go around making out with a bus full of strangers, fondling their genitals, while getting bukkaked on, they would not be cheating because there was no p in vagee?
Defining sex as vaginal intercourse is pretty heteronormative. I actually consider handjobs, oral sex, anal sex, and regular old p in v as sexual acts. All the actions you described certainly sound like sex. Rolling around mostly/completely naked, touching each others junk, trying to get each other off, would all count as sex to me. I never said only p in v is cheating. Furthermore, I said cheating is defined by individual couples differently. I personally don't consider kissing (the only physical actions the author admits while engaged) as cheating, but you are certainly free to do so in your relationships.
If you feel you have to hide it from your S.O., it's cheating. That's my definition; YMMV.
Agree with profrobert on this.
I think there's a difference between a kiss and full-on horizontal making out. The first can be a one-off or momentary lapse in judgement, but the latter covers way more time and a couple decision points. That, and I've never done making out like that without at least some groping going on (which I find likely since the guy asked for sex).
Women like her are why men like me find it so hard to trust.
people who cheat are why some people find it hard to trust. there's nothing gender specific about it.
I agree...but the cynical part of me thinks you wouldn't have said anything if the OP had been critical of men, rather than women.
The writer was obviously too immature to make a marriage commitment, and was deeply conflicted by that. That kind of conflict can often result in bad and hurtful behaviors. I don't excuse it, but I understand it. She couldn't bring herself simply to say, "I don't want to get married," or "I don't want to get married to you"; so instead she sabotaged the relationship, and in a way that gave her plausible deniability for what she was doing. This article suggests to me that she's slowly working her way through that denial, and I hope that with time she comes to see her true feelings and motivations. I feel sorry for the fiance and for the upset she put him through, but in the long run, he dodged a bullet (or perhaps something of even larger calibre). If she'd gone through with the wedding and then bailed months or years later, it would have been even more hurtful and destructive.
I wish some of the prior commenters had been able to articulate their issues with her behavior this well, instead of just calling the author names. Great comment.
Thank you for your kind compliment, and I appreciate the thoughtful comments you've been adding to this thread, too.
I like your style of writing and turn of phrase "an intimate high five"(please can I borrow that?:) ) but i do feel a little sorry for your ex fiance.He must have felt like shit. Having said that at least you didn't marry him, if you had things could have been much worse.
I liked this piece, not because I think the author is an exemplary human being, but because her honesty sheds some light on why people stray from their partners. The protagonist of a story doesn't have to be perfect person for the story to be worthwhile or interesting. In fact, most great art wouldn't exist if characters had to be either heroes or one dimensional villans. If you don't the author articulated her motivations well (and I actually think she did an excellent job doing so), then that's valid criticism. Calling her a bitch adds nothing of value to the conversation.
I think you don't get it. They call her a bitch for what she did now, not how she acted then. The problem is that she is still deluded enough to call what she did 'almost' cheating instead of owning up to what she did. This is compounded by the breezy way that her self-realization (and she got short-changed on that too) was supposed to absolve her of her previous bad behavior.
This is not good writing, it is self absorbed and deluded writing that pretends it is taking a critical eye when in fact it is turning a blind eye to bad bahvior.
There are comments saying that her actions are wrong, and there are others that are just calling her a douche, bitch, horrible person etc. I think she is owning up to what she did; becoming infatuated with a man other than her fiance, occasionally hugging/cuddling him, and kissing him once. She was also told her fiance about her feelings for the other man and he gave her permission for her to initially meet with him. I don't think she behaved well. Her actions were selfish and hurtful, and she should have had to self awareness to realize she didn't want to get married rather than use another man to sabotage her relationship. However, I'd rather read a piece about why she acted this way than a piece that consists of her delineating why she's a horrible person and how sorry she is. She owes her fiance an apology, but her obligation to Hooksexup's readers is to provide an interesting piece of writing. I think her essay succeeds on that criteria, but you are certainly free to disagree.
I don't think it succeeds as a piece of writing, because I don't think the author is sufficiently aware of her own self-justification. An author who seems blind to herself in that way is like an author who uses the same adverb repeatedly -- it's jarring, and not in a good "unreliable narrator" way, either.
It's like listening to a narcissist prattle on at a cocktail party about her terribly meaningful journey of self-actualization, while every word makes it clear that she doesn't really perceive other people as human beings in anything but the most superficial way -- as characters in a story whose ultimate point is the self.
Sorry, should've chosen a different handle -- I'm not the same @babyjane as the first reply.
OK to balance this out a bit....... I agree with the commenter that said that break-ups don't happen in an instant..... one doesn't just go for a long walk, talk with friends and then know that it's over. (Don't you hate that scene in Sleepless in Seattle when she breaks up with Walter and he just accepts it, and says "So he might actually be there right now?" and then she grabs her coat and runs off) These things can drag out and sometimes messily.... We're all capable of doing what she did, she just left out all the bits about her relationship with the ex-fiancee..... that's what makes the piece seem a little heartless, because I guess she thought the dynamic with the author was more interesting.... I would have liked to know more about what was lacking in her real relationship......
While she wasn't real clear about the problems, she did state that they had spent a decade together; and she also made a comment about holding her tongue while they spent another Saturday night watching reruns of Star Trek: TNG. For my money, these are symptoms of the real problem.
There's lot of people out there that wrongly claim marriage changes everything, and I think that's the camp the author was falling into. The problem with this thinking is that marriage doesn't change anything, but time can...and since the two often collide, marriage wrongly takes the hit (kids are a whole different story, but let's leave them off the menu for now).
So back to the author, to put it simply, she was bored after ten years. That has everything to do with the fact that she admittedly stayed quiet while her fiance took in TNG marathons on another Saturday night. While maybe her fiance deserved some of the blame, it doesn't sound like she was putting in any effort to liven up the relationship (and in fact, she may have been sending a signal that everything was fine, since she cheated instead of actually communicating her displeasure).
So in short, relationships take work (marriage or no marriage). If you don't work at them, every relationship is going to grow a little stale after ten years, and a lot stale if you just sit on your hands. But the solution isn't a "sabbatical" with some stranger....and I just spent way too much time stating the obvious.
This is me. I am the ex-fiance, well not really, but basically. Yes, the author is an immature, self-serving, emotionally stunted etc-- and this story has very little honesty. This reads as a very superficial examination-- but lets be honest we all know the type that produces this type of... self account. It has been my experience that people who behave this way tend to have a lot of ego and narcissism issues. I was devastated, but now I'm better off and I'm sure the fiance dodged a bullet as well. She sounds insufferable.
Totally agree AJ. I posted above. In my past long-term relationship, I was in the fiancé's position and I have to say I was definitely an active participant in the delusion with my ex-girlfriend. Who I will say I loved very much. I also know that she loved me, in a way, but was terrified of commitment.
Early on I was asked similarly if she could go on sabbatical, for say a month while, like the author she 'sorted things out'. I refused it after a disorienting week apart, where I didn't understand what was going on. I made her talk her way through it and 'won her back' for another turbulent 2 + years. But what I have learned from all this pain is that anyone (male or female) who needs that kind of 'time out' space (or emotional intrigue as an escape valve) in a relationship can't RELATE.
Moreover I participated in that dynamic by saying I'm OK with not knowing if you're really there for me for a period of time, I'm OK with "Seeing how things are" rather than feeling a natural rapport. So, I have had to look at my own actions (much as I'm furious at her for having cheated on me in the end -- and like the author my ex still doesn't see it as 'truly' cheating, as far as I can tell.) and be equally angry with my own sloppy boundaries allowing my genuine desire for a committed relationship to be turned against me.
So I could dwell on how angry I am or I can learn my lesson and meet someone who doesn't have trepidation around intimacy, but seeks it. Using the anger is the most important thing. And not getting cynical but trying to learn from it and above all else, not repeat the pattern.
As I was reading this, I just kept thinking about how sad & unfortunate this whole situation was. I felt a little validated by reading some others' comments as well. Her fiancé gives her some room to breathe and (as it so often does), some self-indulgent behavior allows boundaries to be broken. The good bit is, I suppose, that this relationship that wasn't meant to be ended before any marriage vows were made.
What an annoying person! Plus, she pulls the old, "I felt this bad thing, but because I felt it everybody else must, too, so I'm not a jerk." Nope; it just makes makes you one of the jerks.
While I agree with many commenters that the author didn't 'almost cheat' - she definitely cheated and treated her fiance like shit, I could relate to her experience because I had a similar experience once, except I had already been married for almost a year. A mutual attraction between a friend and I turned into a flirtation and spending time together while my husband was away. Although we never did 'things', the context of our interactions very much felt like we were dating, to the point that our other mutual friends (a couple) made some comments questioning what was going on between us. I even slept over at his place once (on the couch) when we were out past the time I could have caught a bus home. But nothing untoward ever happened, just a bit of flirting.
I would classify this as an 'almost affair' because it did feel as if we were getting close to crossing a line but we never actually did (thanks to sensible decisions by both of us).
In the end, though, the intense feelings passed without incident, I was completely honest with my husband about what had and hadn't happened, and everyone moved on. For me it was a real test of my commitment to my husband, and also to the concept of monogamy, but it was also reflective of a sort of neglect of my relationship, which was soon rectified. Looking back on it now, the whole experience is embarrassing to think about - I no longer find my friend attractive in any way and can't believe that I ever did!
Ariel, thank you for writing this. The key with you is that you were honest and your husband trusted what you said. I gather from this author that she is not a person who can be open and honest with a man. Some people should never get into a serious relationship because they are always searching for something that the other person cannot give - the author is one of them.
I really enjoyed this essay, and I'm surprised that so many of the other responses were this negative. I found her honesty compelling and I don't think this essay was about her fiance. Yes, cheating is terrible, but this isn't a story about her guilt at behaving badly or hurting someone else. I thought it was respectful that she wrote this so that her fiance was so peripheral--who would want to have the specific details of a painful breakup out on the internet, especially if you'd been cheated on?--because again, this story wasn't about her fiance. It was about realizing that the world is bigger than you thought, that you actually have the power to make choices about how your life unfolds. Someone else mentioned this idea, but it was dismissed pretty quickly and I don't think it should've been. It's a big deal to realize that you're an autonomous being who has control over what happens to you. But the thing is, realizing you do have that control and power is a messy fucking process. It's not like you wake up one day, start making all of these positive life changes out of nowhere, and then bam, things are different, and no one else has been affected or hurt except you. That's not how it works, and it was nice to read a piece that dealt with concept.
And no one has mentioned this, but ladies are still socialized with the idea that marriage/coupling must be a priority. That's changing, but it's slower in certain parts of the country/world. (I know people in my community still have some ass backwards ideas about gender.) It made sense to me why it might've taken her such a long time to figure out what she really wanted. I'm not saying she's off the hook here, but I'm sure it must be difficult to decide that you actually want to be single when you've been told to want marriage your whole life.
And just in case this wasn't clear: I do think that cheating is an awful thing to do to another person. I'm not endorsing her behavior here. But I thought it was respectful that she kept most of the more specific details of their split out of this essay. I'm sure being in the fiance's position was terrible and stressful, and if I were him, I wouldn't want all of that to be out floating around on the internet (possibly adding insult to injury, you know?).
Hey look, it's one of the only reasonable comments in the entire commentarium. babyjane and profrobert already got their due respect so now I'm giving mine to you. This is almost certainly the problem with the author and the story makes a lot more sense when viewed through this lens. I don't think anyone's arguing that her ACTIONS in and of themselves were good or moral, but that this messy and unpleasant experience at least had one little beneficial outcome, and that was the author realizing she didn't want to be married. Which is a perfectly acceptable thing for a woman in the 21st century to feel, despite most people disagreeing (as evidenced by this comment thread). It's a tough thing to own up to when society tells you that your body is dying by the minute and that the sooner you settle down and produce children, the better. But this clearly isn't what the author wants and guess what, she wasn't born with the gift of 100% accurate introspection (I mean hell, who is?). Sometimes it takes things like this to make us realize some deeply buried truths about myself. The collateral damage is truly regrettable and the hard-won self-insight doesn't justify it at all, but this pairing never would've lasted anyway. So in other words, for all you slutshamers who don't think the author's feelings have any validity, at least the former fiance is free to find his perfect little fairy princess now instead of being EMOTIONALLY ABUSED by this FILTHY CHEATING WHORE.
**about ourselves. Ew, that's an ugly little slipup. I am not the author nor have I ever done what the author is describing. Just sayin'
No one said she needed to be married or want to be. What people take umbrage with is that even after she destroyed her fiance, cheating on him emotionally and physically, it's still all about her her her. She didn't learn anything other than that if you walk all over people maybe you'll learn something pleasing about yourself in the process. Slutshaming is the new buzzword these days, but no one called her a slut. They called her a cheater and a manipulator. Which she was. She's just rather proud of it because it made her feel good in the end. Never mind the people she left stranded.
Of course no one told her that she must marry. But if someone asks you to marry him/her, and you say yes before you really think about, you may regret it. And then its quite hard to say that you changed you opinion and that you don't want to get married. I agree with you that she cheated on her fiance, and of course she didn't treat him very well. But I do understand why she did this. I am with my boyfriend for a very long time now and I really love him. But some months ago I met this guy I always found attractive and we started talking and finally we kept talking the whole night and he told me that he wanted to kiss me. I did not kiss him / allow him to kiss me, because I knew that I would regret this a lot. But I wanted to kiss him. And then we just kept talking. After this night I felt really really bad, because I think even if we didn't touch each other and it was only one night it was anyway some kind of cheating, even if it was only in an emotional way. And there are two reasons why I spent this night with him even though I knew that it was wrong; first he was a very nice and attractive guy and I always wanted to flirt with him, but until this night we had always met when he had was in a relationship. The second reason was that I feel kind of weird being with my boyfriend for such a long time. The thought of being with him forever scares me and I kind of feel like I am missing something because I am with my boyfriend for such a long time although I'm quite young. Before this night I was thinking about breaking up, although I do love my boyfriend very very very much. But after this I realized that I prefere relinquish the wild and adventorous single life if I can just keep the wonderful boyfriend I have.
You see, I did kind of the same thing as the woman who wrote the story, and I didn't want to do anything bad. And even though I keep having a litte bit of bad conscience, I'm glad this happened because now I'm sure what I want.
I'm sorry if I made mistakes, my english is not that good. Have a nice day!
@Inject: I think you're inserting gender politics where there aren't any. If this had been written with the genders flipped, the Hooksexup readership would've been more angry with the guy, if anything.
The best part is when she implies that all criticism of the author is "slut-shaming". That's class, right there.
What a brilliantly written story - regardless of the moral blemishes and remarkable self-absorption, this is a meaningful litte anecdote and one we should all consider seriously. By the way, I'm a writer and I love encountering women exactly like this - early thirties and on the brink of some serious commitment, tempted beyond all reason to liberate themselves in the wake of meeting a compelling man. What is really special about them is the great lengths they'll go for some thrills before it's all gone (i.e. renting out an apartment the next town over). Whether it be a seductive gaze at a gallery opening or the full-fledged flight to Rome for ten days, these encounters have been some of the most incredible and ego-satiating moments of my life.
Fun fact- I'm a 23 year old guy and none of the women I have these encounters with ever know the truth of how old I am. I've been doing this for three years in several cities and have never once been caught.
Fun fact - I'm old enough to be your mother, and I can assure you you're doing right not only by your ego but also by your dates'. Knowing you're desired is the best aphrodisiac, for men as much as for women, far as I can tell.
I'm not old enough to be your father, but to me you sound like a virgin when you brag about how much pussy you are getting.
Tell us, how drunk did you get last friday night?
Saintmayhem is spot on, I've rationalized my behavior with that premise many times. There are too many fascinating women in this world who just don't value themselves enough, but are too sensible to date a guy in his early 20's. I don't blame them - I wouldn't take a 23 year old seriously either. Life itself is a constant involvement with illusions and delusions of every variety - why not make things interesting with a thrilling encounter even if you lied your way in and through it!?
NN, I never mentioned the prospect of getting laid... But yes, I do admit it was totally implied. But that's not worth bragging about - the real reason I'm so amazed with myself has far more to do with how long I've gone without getting caught. I'm like Daniel Day Lewis on the dating scene! Never breaking character...
And yes, I did a lot of drinking last Friday night. I will continue this habit until I feel it is no longer emotionally healthy to do so. I'm a lush, what can I say...
Your weakness and indecision doomed your relationship before the word go. Your need to feed your ego and escape your perceived demise by marriage is tragic. You are a self-indulged, narcissistic parasite who should mature some before she takes on too many literary tasks. Then again, nothing sells like strife and controversy. That being the case your lackluster persona might be the perfect vehicle for endless stories to boil the blood. Is it better to be loved and unremarkable, or scorned and considered?
It truly baffles me that after all this time, commenters on Hooksexup still seem to expect each of these stories to have a quite specific moral arc. It also baffles me that they have such a narrow definition of what constitutes a sufficient and appropriate display of remorse/personal growth/whatever.
I guess I'm just not broad minded enough to embrace moral views that treat remorseless harm to others and self-delusion as goods.
You just be so much cooler and more worldly than me.
All I'm saying is, it's amazing that readers' main response seems to be to (a) expect the speaker in a confessional essay to be moral or to follow a particular moral trajectory in the first place and (b) judge and call names as if this were someone they actually had come across. No matter how ostensibly autobiographical it might be, a piece of writing is just that. It doesn't tell the whole entire story of you. That's simply not possible. It strikes me as strange to act like you're sitting on a jury, you've received this account of a series of actions, and now it's your job to condone or condemn them. It's a piece of writing. It takes a narrow perspective on some events that may or may not have happened over a short period of time. This author may have directly afterward become a nun -- or a crackhead. We don't know.
This story is rather boring. We've all heard it before, it's been written, acted and sung about. I think the complaints in the thread are symptomatic of readers who want a little more- je ne sais quoi- substance, insight, anything... snooze.
Yeesh! If she'd told this well-written story through a screen in a church confessional, the crabbiest ol' priest in CatholicLand wouldn't have treated her as harshly as the averagely crabby commenter here. Get out much? You-all are tripping over each other to cast the first stone. Per Jesus, you qualify for that toss by being without sin. But hold on: just being the virgins you are doesn't make you sinless. And I won't hold my breath waiting for links to your walls of virtuous-hot-girlfriend pix. The writer hurt someone she didn't want to hurt, and if she'd stuck around, she knows she would have hurt him worse later. She learned a lot about herself, clumsily and by causing some damage, but she sounds like someone who's still learning. So many of the rest of you know it all that your learning days must be far behind you.
If I sold Web ads for this site, I'd be hunting the big money at Family Council, Concerned Ladies, Who-Would-Jesus-Despise?, and the rest of the sinspotters, because apparently the reader demographic here is Hooksexupless, but not spiteless.
Your emotional detachment and lack of any discernable remorse tells me just how much you really loved your ex-fiance! Tell me, did you ever love him at all or did you just tell him that because you knew it was the right response when he told you? I happy that he ditched you before you got that ring on your finger, now he's free to find a woman worthy of his love and devotion.
It is telling that the author herself didn't have the courage to wade into the comments and defend this writing.
Many people have already articulated criticisms of the author which I agree with.
What I found interesting is how the author shows the way that people can manipulate others in an unconsciously calculating way. We have all seen someone be unreasonable in a relationship, in such a way that it gives them an advantage to exploit, and yet they seem sincere in not realizing what they are actually doing. The fluff about needing "space" or "sabaticals" is a good example, as is the refusing to promise not to see the other guy again. I've always wondered if the people pushing this type of bs believe in it, or is part of their brain scheming while another part at least wants to believe they are innocent. At least in this case, the author seems to be wading in self delusion, all the while scheming and scamming others quite skillfully.
@JJ, as I see it, the ego can rationalise anything to save itself from coming into real awareness. Real self-awareness only arrives on the back of the willingness to become more aware. Said willingness , in turn, usually only arrives after pain has made itself sufficiently felt. All of this is why this planet contains so much pain. It's the only real driver that exists to bring people into greater levels of self-awareness.
I don't think the author should have to defend herself. She was talking about her particular human experience, not asking people to decide if she was ethical or good or whatever. I think anytime someone's speaking the truth it's probably good. Knowledge=power and all that.
jill
https://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com
That's just it. Her explanations reak of dissembling and rationalization. She's not honest with us or perhaps herself. The very title "almost cheated" is a lie. I guess people hate being lied to.
I guess I just think it's really infantile and even more self centered to get defensive about people judging a work. If you only want fawning opinions telling you how great you are and how great the work is you shouldn't be writing. She doesn't *have* to defend herself but that doesn't mean she's immune from criticism. People can react how they want regardless of her intent. It's really pathetic that people have decided they need to be able to express themself in a public forum but also be able to cry if someone disagrees or doesn't like it.
Grow up, get a backbone. Don't put it out there if you can't handle a response that isn't ego stroking.
Thanks for writing this piece! I don't usually read Hooksexup, but a friend passed this on to me. We also have a hard time leaving relationships that aren't completely fulfilling for us, especially when the person we're dating is... fine; "I don't want to watch Star Trek this Saturday" is rarely a celebrated reason for a break-up, even if breaking up at that point would have shown more foresight. I feel like your experience is symptomatic of our fairy tale expectations. What you had sounds stable, traditional, and normal--what we are taught is everything we need in a relationship, and if we feel unfulfilled at that point, we probably aren't trying hard enough to "spice things up." After so much time, it's no wonder that it took feeling like a different person to call things off. I'm glad your new identity is intelligent, sexy, and empowered. So many people sabotage relationships they're not into anymore; who is to say that what you did was worse than drawn out emotional withdrawal, irritability, or something else? It sounds like you worked through all your confusion as honestly as you were self-aware to do with your ex, and I saw nothing in your article to indicate that you battered your ex into emotional dysfunction. At least now you and your ex are both free to find a mutually fulfilling happiness in the future. That whole "on principle" thing is something I completely relate to. For me, that principle is one where a relationship without trust is no relationship at all. If you have to be told who you can and cannot see, then one of you needs to recognize that it's time for the relationship to end.
I appreciate the honesty in this. I hope the author is able to live her life with more integrity and courage now.
You want to write. First read. Read your submission twice. The first time to remind you of the passion and the second time to tell the truth. It's work. Make it your work. You've got a lot to say.
While the writer has clear psychological and emotional problems, her literary voice is incredibly compelling. Her fiance and the other man are victims of a self-absorbed sociopath if this story is indeed "true". For the good of the universe, I hope the writer never writes from experience ever again. However, she is certainly capable of producing compelling work with a conceited, neurotic literary voice...her own.
Now you say something