4. STD RISK

LaBeouf wins this one — or loses, depending on how you look at it. Based solely on the number of sexual partners Mayer claims to have had, his body's probably more a wonderland of antibiotic-stunted warts than anything else.

POINT: LABEOUF

5. SPOONABILITY

Given their arm-to-torso ratio, it's safe to assume both men have a pretty stellar wrap-around circumference. (Sooo essential.) But I have this weird feeling that John Mayer would smell like gross aftershave lotion (twigs and inner-thigh musk?) and I don't want to deal with that, so, LaBeouf.

POINT: LABEOUF

6. PROBABLE SEXTS

Mayer: "What if you dress up like me?" 

LaBeouf: "I need some love like I've never needed love before, I wanna make love to you baby." (Why do I feel like Shia LaBeouf would quote Spice Girls at me? I'm not sure, but I do.) 

POINT: LABEOUF

7. LIKELIHOOD OF GIVING HEAD

I'm pretty sure Mayer would give head while murmuring to himself about how awesome he is, but also, he's probably had a lot of practice? Meanwhile, in a Details interview, LaBeouf claimed to have a "wet mouth," which I guess is a good thing, but like, doesn't everyone? I mean, how wet is his mouth, really? I don't think a moister-than-average mouth is going to do anything but make things a little messier in the bedroom, and it's definitely not going to make you any more generous. 

POINT: MAYER

8. LIKELIHOOD OF SUDDEN OUTBURSTS OF RAGE

When T-Swift wrote a breakup song about John Mayer (there must be a waiting list by now), he said it was a "lousy" thing for her to do, backing up his complaint with the fact that he "never got an email" about it. Reader activity: scrunch up your mouth, raise your eyebrows and say, in a high-pitched voice and without moving your lips much, "I never got an email." More whine than rage, but still important to consider.

LaBeouf carries a knife with him, which is actually just practical, because sometimes you need to open wrappers or chop down jungle vines. But his self-reflexive thoughts are a little disconcerting. Of his role on the Disney Channel's Even Stevens, he once claimed, "They didn't hire me because I was a good-looking dude. They hired me because I had no fear, no respect for authority, and no respect for boundaries." This seems not only completely delusional but also just a biiit psychopath-scary.

POINT: MAYER

9. POPULAR VOTE

Because I was worried about my own subjectivity, and because I crave approval from my peers, I took my Who Would You Rather quest to the streets and asked about twenty people who they'd rather. Based on my totally unscientific poll, LaBeouf is the hands-down favorite. 69% of the people I asked chose him. When I asked for a reason, most of them said, "John Mayer is an asshole."

On Shia LaBeouf:
"Shia LaBeouf just seems like he'd be better in bed."
 "I dunno, I have a weird Even Stevens fetish."
"He's got a face I'd like to squeeze."

On John Mayer:
"John Mayer is the Eric Clapton of our generation."
"I would only sleep with John Mayer to steal his guitar."
"I think his ego would get in the way."

POINT: LABEOUF

10. VERDICT

I'm still not sure how to pronounce Shia LaBeouf's last name without warping my face and putting on a throaty accent, so that's going to be a problem if I ever meet his parents. Nevertheless, the clear winner here is LaBeouf. Everyone, act accordingly.

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