Pat Robertson says God told him who the next president will be

Christian evangelical leader Pat Robertson has a secret for you guys: he totally knows who the next president is gonna be. On the Christian Broadcasting Network's 700 Club last Tuesday, Robertson made those of us who stayed glued to CNN during the Iowa caucuses look like total schmucks, because God told him what the results of the general election will be. The only problem is, he's not telling.

"I think He showed me the next president, but I'm not supposed to talk about that so I'll leave you in the dark — probably just as well — but I think I know who it's gonna be," Robertson said on his show. He then recited the contents of the crumpled-up piece of notebook paper that God handed him down from heaven:

"Your president holds a view which is at the odds with the majority — it's a radical view of the future of this country, and so that's why we're having this division. This is a spiritual battle which can only be won by overwhelming prayer. The future of the world is at stake because if America falls, there's no longer a strong champion of freedom and a champion of the oppressed of the world. There must be an urgent call to prayer."

As notes from God to Pat Robertson go, this one's a little less "OMG TELL EVRY1 I H8 TEH GHEYS" than the usual fare, and it sucks that God made him pinky-promise not to tell anyone about his secret. Still, Robertson's given us enough juicy info from upstairs — like, for instance, God's reason for the earthquakes in Haiti — that we can forgive him for keeping mum in this instance. After all, the man works his ass off to tell us the truth, no matter how uncomfortable or unpopular it is — he's like the Gossip Girl of the evangelical right wing.