Creepiosity
Fish With People Faces
You go to the local aquarium (or "fish prison" as I like to call it) and spend a few hours looking for the Rolls-Royces of the underwater world, the fish that glow blue. Unfortunately, along the way, you're bound to come across the creepiest of the underwater creatures: the fish with the people face. They have the nose, sometimes the mustache — I swear to God, I once saw a fish that was the spitting image of my Uncle Irwin. And I'll be honest: Uncle Irwin's face on a human being was never a walk in the park. But on a fish? Horrifying.
From the book Creepiosity by David Bickel. Excerpted by arrangement with Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company. Copyright © 2010
George is angry because he just swam through a pile of whale turds.
Commentarium (35 Comments)
Aww. I was missing my grandma something fierce today. The candy post made me smile. She always had those out on her table.
Missing my grandma as well. Old-Tyme porn made me smile. She always had a thing for the Victrola.
My girlfriend and I were laughing so hard we were crying when we read the Grandma candy one.
Also creepy: calling your grandma "Ya Ya".
I've got to agree about the beard-without-'stache thing. Unless you're Amish, but if you are you'll probably never read this anyway.
Many of these are spot on, but old-timey stag films = amazing! Ok, maybe they're not hot, but they're great to play in the background at dance parties.
Necco wafers always remind me of Hedwig and the Angry Inch, so whenever I read those words, I hear them in a fake German accent.
Half person/half animal - that's just Apple's way of removing tiny, cartoon penises from iPad comics.
Those sesame crunches are fucking good.
Old time porn can be hot, too. I'm not liking the new, less tolerant, sex negative, judgemental Hooksexup.
That last photo is of Tito, the dictator of the old communist Yugoslavia, the country of my birth and childhood. I am laughing my ass off! Excellent!
pretty sure that old-time porn bit is (like the rest of this feature) a joke. i kind of doubt Hooksexup's taking an ideological stand against bee beards and fish with people faces.
seriously, Hooksexup. i'm sick of your unrepentant hatred for people who wear bees instead of bibs. it's so bee negative.
The chinstrap beard is so terrible on every level. So is the goatee. So is any manicured hair facial hair.
@Neill, "Ya Ya" is the term by which Greeks refer to their grandmas. I can see how if you didn't grow up with it it's creepy (my ex is Greek and the first time I heard him refer to his Grandma that way I found it odd) but it's not abnormal if you're from a Greek hood.
man bear pig. half man... half bear.... half pig.
Old men with a hand in their pocket.
seeing someones dentures not in their mouth.
"Beard without mustache, on the other hand? Tough to look at. So please, C. Everett Koop, Gorton's Fisherman, and the guy who sells Christmas trees out of the Vons parking lot on Reseda Boulevard in Los Angeles — add the 'stache or lose the beard."
I agree with the sentiment, but I regret to inform you that the Gorton's fisherman DOES have a mustache. Fact check, people!
The Gorton's fisherman most definitely has a 'stache!! blasphemy.
ribbon candy.
Talking about creepiness... I sent the link to my friend in Tokyo, but she can't open it because of some bizarre filter saying: it's adult content!! You guys, did you know you are forbidden in Japan? Meanwhile, her neighbor is watching internet pron all day long without any restrictions.
Šta radi Tito u fijakeru? Gdje je Jovanka?
Amusing read, but the sesame candy was unfairly implicated. It has no business being lumped in with the suicidal swine and the gyrating tube beasts.
As funny as a suffering child dying of cancer. Seriously, a whole book of this? I quit after the third page. This writer wouldn't know a joke if it performed root canal surgery on him without anesthesia.
Here's what I find creepy. Unfunny observations about minor variations in everyday behavior. Hey writer, you're right. Everyone else is weird, not you. But the law still says you have to inform your neighbors when you move into a new neighborhood.
laaaaaame!!!!!!!!!
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my husband and i also laughed so hard about grandma candy. ain't it the truth. and try getting the lid off the candy dish, without making noise, only to go to eat one and it takes like crap! oh the memories. thanks.
You see that grandma candy wrapped in orange-and-green cellophane? That's my favorite kind of candy...strawberry flavored shell, a delicious strawberry filling in the middle...I'm going to buy some right now.
ROFL! Choked on coffee reading the picture commentary. A person should not be allowed to have so much fun this early in the morning. Hilarious!
Half shark/alligator, half man...(half man, half shark)
I like the whole beard without a mustache. A guy can keep his facial hair, and it won't tickle when he kisses me up here or down there.
Please, I need to know what the heck that fish is called!! I've become obsessed!
Not a blobfish?
Double-creepy: Bee beard with no stache.
Yea! That last photo is of Tito and Eleanor Roosevelt playing the "Ya-Ya"....
Nice Selection. You incorporate Creeposity with Creepy Trivia!
Yea! That last photo features Tito with Eleanor Roosevelt playing the part of the "Ya-Ya"....
Neat idea. Incorporating Creeposity with Trivia!