Maria, 24

What do you do for a living?
I work in payroll at a staffing agency.

That sounds like it gets you a lot of action.
It hasn't gotten me action, but it has got me numbers. Those haven't really lead anywhere, though.

Where's the craziest place you've had sex?
I'm kind of an old-fashioned gal. I haven't really done anything crazy. Maybe on the stairs, leading up?

Wait, what?
The stairs. He caught me before we even got up.

Like, in an apartment building?
In a house.

Do you have any crazy ex-boyfriends?
I do. He broke into my MySpace, when that was in. He broke into my AOL account, when that was big. When it rained, he would come to see me at work, with an umbrella.

While you were dating?
No, we had broken up.

What did he do with your MySpace account?
He figured out my password and started messaging a bunch of guys I was friends with, asking them a bunch of random questions. And now he's tracked me down on Facebook.

I hope you don't have the same password. What kind of guy do you like?
Taller, kind of built. But I'm okay with a pasta belly.

Do you have any dealbreakers?
Yes, if a guy's wearing a shirt and his chest hair is peeking through it, I will keep walking.

Do you think you've ever offended anyone in the bedroom?
Probably ninety-five percent of the time. I'm not a giver, for lack of a better term.

 

 

Kurt, 26

What do you do for a living?
I'm a research analyst.

Does that get you any action?
No, I usually don't talk about my job when I'm picking up chicks. But I mean, I don't think it does damage, because I have a job and that's always good.

How do you go about picking up a woman if you like her?
I have two primary sources of getting chicks. I have what I call my back-up, and that's OkCupid. I haven't really had any long-term relationships come out of OkCupid — it's mostly one-night stands. For me, the best way to find a girlfriend is at a bar.

That's the opposite of most people, I think. What are you into?
The kind of girls I like are counter to the typical Manhattan female — you know, the trendy, intellectual-feminist-atheist kind of chick. I'm not in to that at all.

Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
A few weeks back, I met a girl in the Lower East Side. I was with all my friends. One of them was a girl I used to hook-up with. She was like "Come on, I want to be your wing-woman. I want to get you laid." Junior-high-dance style, she went up to this girl and was like, "That guy wants to dance with you," and the girl was like, "Okay." So I went over and we hit it off really well. We started making out, and ended up going home together.

Have you ever been offended in the bedroom?
Not really. I'm kind of kinky and dirty and stuff — I mean, as kinky and dirty as heterosexual male-female sex can get. But I was hooking up with this one chick, and before anything got too serious she just stood up and was like, "I've got to go. I'm sorry." I'd never had a girl walk out on me in the middle of hooking up before. Maybe she hadn't hooked up with someone since her last boyfriend — that sort of thing.

Yeah, either that or she got her period.
No, we were past that point. I knew she didn't have her period.

 

 

Zgizelle, 46

What do you do for a living?
I'm an actress, and I teach ballet.

Oh damn, does that get you any action?
No, no, no. Most of the men are...

Gay?
Yeah. So I get no action.

So if you like a guy, how do you make it happen?
If I like a guy, I let him know with my eyes. But I'm a Virgo, so I'm very picky. I analyze everything.

What kind of guys do you like?
He has to have a flat stomach; I can't do the beer thing. No smoking or eating meat, because I'm a vegan. I look at his skin and his eyes, and I can tell if he's healthy. I like confident men. You have to have what we call swagger!

Do you have a weakness?
No, but if there's something I don't like about a guy, I'm gonna let him know. Like, "This dinner is over, bye, nice meeting you."

Have you ever done that?
Yes, I have. I was out on a date, and the guy had told me he was vegan. Then he ordered chicken. I said to him, "I'll be right back, I'm going to the restroom," and I went out the back door.

Has anyone ever offended you in the bedroom?
Yes! He couldn't perform. I told him, "You gotta pull out. It's not gonna happen." His penis was crooked; it was like a hook. He was a nice person, but it would not work. We tried every position.

Do you have any crazy ex-boyfriends?
No, I've been lucky. I guess it's because I'm real: if I'm not feeling you, let's just end it before we get serious. And don't stalk me because listen, I'm crazy, I'll put you in jail.

Wait, are you the crazy ex?
If I tell you to leave me alone and stop calling me, and you continue, then I'm gonna get crazy. I'm gonna go to your house and bust out your windows. I'm gonna find your car. One time I Krazy Glued my ex's penis.

You Krazy Glued his penis?
I knew he was cheating, but he wouldn't admit it. So I got him really drunk, so wasted he couldn't even walk. I put him in bed, waited an hour until he was asleep, and then I put Krazy Glue on his penis, his balls, everything. Later he got up to take a shower and was like, "Zgizelle! What's this?" I worked at a health clinic, so I was like, "Oh, that looks like chlamydia. That's a sexually transmitted disease, and the only way you can catch it is by having sex. So you must've done something!" And then he admitted it.

 Interviews by Meghan Pleticha. Photography by Sean McGurn.