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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Like a pesky ex who always comes knocking right when you were thisclose to being over it, Mercury is in retrograde this week, leaving you flustered but ready to rediscover what really gets you off. Revisiting unresolved, bad-for-you habits will leave you feeling unsatisfied and unraveled, so turn down the lights, turn up the Al Green, and take yourself on a really hot date — now's not the time to expect anyone else to do it for you.
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Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Well, won't you be the busy little beaver this week? Be it a flurry of job opportunities, a sudden lusty resurgence in your relationship, or an invitation to that sex party you've been so curious about, now's the time to go, go, go. But keep one foot on the ground — you may be on top of the world, but north poles can turn south without notice.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
With both Mercury and Mars in retrograde, this week you'll feel like nothing is moving fast enough. But just because the world's not up to your breakneck pace doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Make your needs extra clear to bosses and lovers alike. This year started with a big ol' bang, but you know you won't be satisfied unless you feel like you've done your part to get it moving.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
For the past few weeks, you've felt like death spread over a cracker. But as Pluto enters its planetary orbit this week, the astrological gods will finally deal you the deck of stability. There'll be a new spring in your step — and if you're a guy, in other areas as well. We recommend milking this sexual renaissance for all its worth.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Despite contradictory advice from friends and acquaintances, you're never too old to enter into your long-delayed hobo-tramp phase. You've seen these sadsack sixty-year-old hussies on long-canned Jenny Jones Show reruns — they flaunt their Bea Arthurs proudly, and you should to. Unleash the shackles of subtlety this week, and you just might sink your hooks into a hot stranger. Wear something busy.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
The new moon is rising! Exciting professional opportunities to abound this year with Pluto in retrograde. That means you'll find partners to benefit you financially and in other ways as well. Make it filthy in the bedroom with some dastardly positions. We recommend the Jelly Fish Roll, the Corkscrew and the Tequila Sunrise, in that order. It's a tall glass, but somebody's got to drink it.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Now's the time to work on your flexibility. From being open to exploring your partner's fantasies, to trying out a back-bending handstand position you've only read about on the internet, maintaining an anything-goes attitude will not only satisfy your bodily need for more activity, but will get your mind buzzing about new possibilities in other aspects of your life as well.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
If last year you felt like you were always getting the shaft — and not in the good way — it's because you were. But fear not: this week will be the starting point of an upward trend that will make you believe in the healing power of love — or, at the very least, in the power of good lovin'. Jupiter, Venus, and Uranus are conspiring to bring you the kind of release you've been craving, whether it's a decent cuddle or a creatively acquired orgasm. Whether it's love or lust, everything will be coming up roses.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
This week is all about cleaning house, but that doesn't mean you need to spend it on your hands and knees scrubbing the grout in your bathtub. Instead, work on your own personal plumbing, making sure everything in your body is moving along satisfactorily. Also, thanks to retrograde Mercury, now's the time certain electronics might need replacing so, if you've resisted shelling out for that fancy new vibe, best take care of that soon.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
As a Scorpio, you're used to using your sexuality to communicate your needs to others. This week, though, planetary alignment suggests working on getting your needs met in other ways, from carrier pigeons to smoke signals to a well-placed note on the nightstand. It would behoove you to let people know not just what you need, but how you want it done. Your body's a smooth talker on its own, but without some verbal direction you'll find yourself harboring misplaced resentment.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Listen: we all know you're not the best at waiting around for things to get better. But if you don't chill out this week, your rash decisions will start to catch up with you, and quick. Don't think of this as an order to accept bad dates or boring sex — far from it. Rather, keep an open mind about the people who don't impress you straight away, and be a little kinder when it comes to dealbreakers.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Finding yourself walking down the street with an extra bit of sultry in your strut? Good. This is, without a doubt, your week: you're feeling stronger, sexier, and more capable and adventurous than should be legal. So even though your first inclination might be to freak out and question everything, don't. Embrace it. But remember not to spread yourself too thin — when you're straddling lots of things at once, something's bound to fall by the wayside.
