Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Full moons are capricious. On one hand, they portend nasty business (i.e., werewolves). On the other, full moons inspire acts of great genius (i.e., Teen Wolf). Wednesday’s lunar unveiling may bring relationship weirdness, but it could also illuminate the answer to a hairy problem. Stay open to solutions and your romance won’t bite the silver bullet.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
The sun is affected by Uranus this week, and will result in volatile (though not unpleasant) revelations in your love life. Sometime around Thursday, expect to hear the unexpected. The fact that you’re dating an alligator in human’s clothing doesn’t count as “unexpected,” by the way. That’s just willful ignorance.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Hunker down, Taurus: The sun is conjoining with Uranus and Saturn, so Tuesday’s full moon will bring unwelcome change into your life. It should pass with the lunar cycle. Just remember, that whole “lunacy” thing is a myth and that most werewolves can be killed with mountain ash. You’ll be fine.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Ignoring things at home is an important and effective time saver. This week’s full moon will bring domestic issues to the forefront, however, so don’t stray too far until Friday. If you need incentive to stay at home, I recommend renting Deliverance (to discourage traveling) and Friday (not only to remind you when you’re allowed to leave, but also because it is great).
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Look alive, Cancer: Around Tuesday’s full moon, someone close to you will need your help. Sure, experience suggests it’ll just be Grandma needing you to give her a ride somewhere, but friend, you best do it with gusto. Otherwise Grandma might not call you for chores again and you’ll lose her hard-earned respect. If it makes you feel cooler, consider the full moon a sort of private bat signal, just between you and Grandma.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
If you’re anything like me, Leo, you feel like your entire existence is just like a Michael Bay movie. You will receive unexpected financial news this Thursday. Saturn and Uranus are at odds in an area that affects other people’s money, which is good for you. Of course, a fleet of black helicopters will be shooting at you like you were a giant robot that can turn into a dinosaur. Thems the breaks!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Everyone has romantic misfires, Virgo. Buzz Aldrin, for example, has been married three times. If there’s someone in your life that you’re not sure about, this week’s new moon will force you to make a decision one way or the other. Take the long view before you cut ties, though: Whether you go Tina Turner or Joe Piscopo on this one is entirely up to you.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Stay scarce at work on Monday — Saturn’s trickery has turned you into a lightning rod for gossip. An innocent bon mot could thrust you into a bonfire of banal office controversy, so be the consummate professional that you are and unplug your vocal cords. On the plus side, you may catch the eye of a coworker who appreciates the strong and silent type. Emulate Clint Eastwood’s gunslinger in High Plains Drifter. Wait, he played Satan in that flick. Sorry for the spoiler.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You can’t spell “criticism” without the word “citric” — that’s why even constructive words sting like an eyeful of limeade. On Monday, a friend will squeeze some uncomfortable realizations out of you, and even though he or she means well, your pal’s admonition will leave you feeling smushed to a pulp. Don’t stay sour long. Remember: When life gives you lemons, you eat the damn lemons. You know how much lemons cost these days?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Uranus inspires wanderlust this Friday, so it’s time for a weekend road trip. Short trips yield the most romantic dividends, so traverse anywhere within a two-hour radius. Of course, this may pose a problem if you live on a catamaran in the middle of the Atlantic, but who knows? You may catch a sexy merperson — or an unusually comely kraken — shimmying through the Sargasso.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
“Oog” this economic crisis! Saturn delivers a midweek bedroom boon, so you and a friend should reenact how folks had fun in the days before currency was even invented. No need to reinvent the wheel here. Just get your rocks off Stone Age style and vigorously rediscover what it was like back when humans had trouble standing on two legs. Yabba-dabba-do-me.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
In the immortal words of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, “Sunday’s got a slave, Monday’s got one too.” So who’s Tuesday lording over? Unfortunately, it’s you, Aquarius. Saturn and the sun will play tug-of-war with your heartstrings all week. Never fear! You’ll manumit your ass from this emotional Gordian knot by Hump Day. How? It’s Hump Day! How euphemistic do we have to get?
