The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Palin camp may get SNL time to respond to Fey sketches. Wahlberg camp still mum on their demands. Plus: Dexter, Brothers and Sisters and Gwen Ifill reacts to Queen Latifah.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Like an ambidextrous baseball pitcher, or a porn star specializing in fiddling with the genitals of two people at once, you are a marvel to behold this week. With your abilities comes a huge workload, however, and if it’s not one person you have to excite, it’s another. If it all gets to be too much, know that you can back off for a bit and catch your breath.
promotion
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You’re likely to find yourself confounded by multitudes of sexual options. No one's helping you figure out which way to go. Especially galling is that you get the sense they'll be judging your decisions once they’re made. Sometimes the solution is not to make a decision at all. Skip the high-intensity elimination round and head out for a night — or seven — of fun .
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
New looks are always a good idea, so think about getting a good one this week. Merchant seaman, 1950s-style middle manager at IBM, Veronica Lake; think of something interesting. It won’t just be great fun, it’s likely to get you all sorts of unexpected sexual attention.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
I’ve never understood people who aren’t cannibals calling sexy people “tasty.” The conflation of food and sexual attraction will present problems for you this week. Maybe it’s the embarrassment of someone huffing and puffing in your face with huge chunks of spinach in their teeth, or maybe you’ll just run across one of those people who never learned in high school that hard biting isn’t really all that hot. Whatever it turns out to be, brace yourself for food to make unwelcome forays into your sex life.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Sometimes calling someone a slut in bed doesn’t quite go the way you expect it to. Sure, you didn’t mean it that way, but this is going to be a week plagued by mistaken communications, particularly when your pants are off. Don’t be tempted to keep your pants on as a way of avoiding missteps. It’s just as easy to accidentally call someone a slut when they're giving you a neck massage, and twice as damning.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
“Rounding up the usual suspects” doesn’t often refer to assembling a crack staff of wisecracking sex partners, but in your case it does. That cabal of nubile youths who have great skills when they get you prone and squealing will be up to their old tricks all week. Needless to say, you’ll benefit greatly from all this. Just be sure and round them up. Teams like this don’t come together of their own volition, you know.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
This week will be more of the same, but that in itself will be a complicated issue. Does "more of the same" mean things are bad, like Funyun-breath oral sex, or bad like no oral sex at all? Figuring out how much certain things bother or don’t bother you will help you figure out what needs to be done, so don’t react until you’ve considered.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’ll need all sorts of X-ray vision this week, so pay close attention! Close scrutiny of events will let you know whether a person is a jerk before they put stuff in your orifices, and you'll be able to see what they’re going to look like naked. If you still can’t tell, pretend you’re a security guard and give them an extra-thorough frisking.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
We all make mistakes. I once tried to shave slots in my eyebrows like Vanilla Ice and ended up with only half an eyebrow. This will be a week of double-checking any ambitious plans, like appearing in someone’s bedroom in the middle of the night dressed as a cartoon character. If I had realized it’s impossible to cut slots with a full-size razor, I wouldn’t have looked so ridiculous. Learn from me and think ahead.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Just because sex starts out pretty staid and normal, don’t fret. Some people don’t like to come out with both guns a’blazing, and if you can manage not to become instantly exasperated, you’ll be quite surprised by what they can whip out when they get going.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
There’s nothing wrong with being somewhat superstitious, but needing to mount people from the same side every time, and to whistle four times every time you come, can get old. Sure, your rituals have helped you feel confident, but try to shake things up so they don’t get tedious. Try to realize that it isn’t the whistling that’s making you such a good lay, it’s that awesome tongue thing you do.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
I’m not sure why people like Matthew McConaughey. Creepy naked bongo players are usually your friend’s brother or your pot dealer, not the objects of anyone’s desires. But maybe Matthew is onto something you should learn from this week. Not that I’d suggest watching Failure to Launch unless you’re on a twenty-seven hour flight and there are no reading materials left on the planet. But you’ll do well to relax a bit and take yourself out of the sexual driver’s seat. Grin a lot and practice a slower pace.
