61 Frames Per Second by John Constantine Today in Hooksexup's videogame blog: Street Fighter. The movie. A new one. With that chick from that Superman show. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Mad Men's January Jones struts her stuff in Vanity Fair. Plus: Damages returns, the latest Gossip Girl guest star and Donna Martin capitulates.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You're liable to find yourself naked and lying next to someone who makes relentlessly vague assertions this week, speaking as if they were a horoscope: full of seemingly pertinent but difficult-to-implement statements about sex. This won't sit well, as you're in the mood for some definition between your legs. Give a multiple-choice quiz to potential lovers and, based on their score, either guide them to your waiting loins or show them the door. Use such a make-or-break device around Wednesday or Thursday, when you'll be particularly impressive to others. They'll react to your hotness and authority by filling out whatever forms necessary to get some.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You're the FDR or the JFK of oral sex this week: the great orator. You'll ask the standard questions, maybe like, "Oh yeah, is that what you like? You like it right there?" but for some reason it'll inspire people to do their best for you, not just for themselves. You'll appeal to what's best in their crotches and be remembered forevermore for your greatness. Be sure and get something in your mouth, by hook or by crook, on Wednesday when you'll be a little bit Clinton too, overflowing with compassion, feeling their "pain" and making it all better.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
That sexily scruffy revolutionary explaining to you why your basest sexual instincts are radical and not just worthy but Important and revolutionary, will find a willing follower in you this week. You're ready to put on black and red and run through the streets ushering in a world built on new principles: the principles of sweaty, hot, constant sex! Just watch out on Saturday, when your enthusiasm may deceive you.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
This week, you're like a friend of mine. I went to his house and he had unexpectedly painted all these amazing paintings and drawings and made all these other fantastic creations since I had been over last. People won't see it coming, but you'll be whipping out similarly remarkable things, pun intended. Of course, you may also just be taking a lot of speed like my friend was. So be sure and relax, especially by Thursday, or you'll burn out and miss the exciting potential of the weekend.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
You'll undergo a marked transformation this week, like Gael Garcia Bernal in that Almodovar movie, moving from incredibly hot to incredibly hot in a wig and lipstick! Metaphorically, anyway. People will be amazed at your attractiveness in different contexts on Wednesday, so don't be greedy. Do the world a favor and spread your amazing hotness around a little. It's really an altruistic act to be slutty sometimes. So give of yourself until it hurts after Wednesday, when you have everyone's attention. Gael does it in movies, you do it in bed.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
You'll start the week like those bewildering Jimmy Buffet fans, on an even keel and sporting aphorisms like "it's all good" as if they were spoken by the Buddha. Just watch out later in the week: you may have more than a blown-out flip-flop on your hands as someone you've been regularly rocking the Good Times Van with flips out and tries to kill your buzz with their "concerns" and "issues." Just consider their position; they may just be trying to punish you for their own boredom with the good life. And as that's against the law in Margaritaville. They may have to go.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You're like enthusiastic highway builder and rampant urban planner Robert Moses this week, with your grand schemes for getting more people into your bed more efficiently, cleanly and with greater modernity than ever before. You may have to railroad a few officials and make lots of poor people move, but by God, you've got a dream! A great big dream, do you hear? People will enthusiastically follow you early this week, but your visions may prove too much for the real world by Saturday, when people's feelings may get hurt in your relentless pursuit of a Cross-Ass Expressway.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You want to learn a thing or two about a thing or two this week, as certain worries about your sexual abilities plague you. You've taken certain things for granted, and now you suspect your techique could use some brushing-up. Don't be embarrassed! Sex is rarely a drag to practice, so you're unlikely to run into resigned sighs and eye-rolling when you inform your partner(s) of your intentions. Just watch out on Wednesday — you might get a little too serious in your pursuit of knowledge and pull something, in the bad sense of the word.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You've run yourself a bit ragged of late. You're beginning to feel like you smoked 4,000 cigarettes and are liable to have a mental breakdown if someone fails to say hello to you after you had sex with them in an alleyway the night before. This week, take some time to feel a smidge more emotionally secure. Whether that means stop living like a horny, feral beast I can't say, but regardless, take stock of what you want and let your Hooksexups recover a little. On Thursday, beware of your tendency to lie, or "embellish," as you like to call it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You're looking for a great gift to give a friend or acquaintance this week, and it's right under your nose! A few feet below your nose, anyway. Hint — it's between your legs and would earn you a ticket if you walked around with it exposed. Not to encourage vanity, but that's what they really want, so you better give it to them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You're in a great mood this week, sexually sated and generally well. That is, until Thursday, when someone starts in with what first seems a reasonable tale but quickly becomes obviously fake. You've been relying on this person's version of the facts for your great mood, so this is liable to deflate you a bit. But by Saturday, you'll have bounced back.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Lionel Richie did a song called "All Night Long," and it may as well be about you, as you enter a week that'll be particularly suited to celebrating. And just like the song, the reason for the celebration can be unspecified or even non-existent. The point is just to take advantage and have a good time. If the song is any indication, you'll be a big hit. Just like Baudelaire says, vagueness doesn't exclude intensity.
