Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
At the beginning of this week, Venus is going to ride all up into your Sun sign, naked on a clamshell, which is a fabulous portent for your romantic liaisons. But while you're busy shaking down the sexy folks you've got lined up, keep in mind how important it is to show yourself a little love now and then. You're not one to be bothered with aesthetic expectations, but a nice back rub or a bubble bath will do wonders for all that tension you've got stored up in your shoulders — not to mention your flexibility.
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Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Remember how, when you were a tiny little person, you used to dream of having an entourage, or at the very least a bodyguard to shuffle off the adoring fans? Well, this week Jupiter's your celestial bouncer, giving you some much-needed mental breathing room. Don't worry, it won't get in the way of your social life — pull out your fanciest dancing pants whenever you please. But you will be able to stay emotionally far enough away from everyone else's drama that, for once, it won't interrupt a single one of your boot-scooting moments.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
You know how almost every episode of Grey's Anatomy involves our poor ol' residents dealing with grizzly-bear attacks, bomb squads, sick babies, or Cheech Marin? But after forty-some minutes of insanity, chaos, and emotional heartbreak (will McDreamy and Meredith ever get it together?) the scruffy crew goes to their local bar, or to their ridiculously swank house, and dances and drinks their cares away. Well, kids, this week you can skip all the drama and head straight to the drinks and relaxin'. So buy that beer. Put on some Ingrid Michaelson. Enjoy life. Just don't do anything stupid, like teasing grizzly bears, or trying to get a commitment-phobe to, you know, commit.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
I know, it totally sucks when other people are right. As in, more right than you. It's hard to believe, but sometimes your friends and neighbors actually might be able to give you advice. For once, allow that the lower denizens of the kingdom may, in fact, know their shit. If someone is trying to guide you, express their feelings, or hey, set you up on a blind date: you should listen. It doesn't mean the King or Queen of the Jungle is wrong. It just means you're wise enough to listen to people who have your best interests at heart.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
What goes around comes around, Virgo. You've been up, you've been down, but this week is all about the second coming of your career. Patrick Dempsey and Rick(y) Schroeder know the feeling: they started off strong, with silver spoons in their mouths and hot eighties blazers. They may have disappeared off the radar for a little while, but they're now they're back, bigger and badder and with better hair than ever. Your career aspects this week are more delectable than Dempsey's curls. Work it and you'll be eating with a silver spoon, in no time.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You have the golden touch this week, Libra. From money matters, to career and personal negotiations, the stars will be assisting you from every angle. It's the perfect time to schedule meetings, broker deals, or (why not) splurge on two bingo cards. And if there's been drama with your lover, well: your golden touch and excellent negotiation skills should remedy anything that's remiss, as well. If you work it, you'll be getting touched from every angle, too. . .
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
When the going gets tough, the tough get going, which means: it's time to stuff your duffel, Scorpio! When your life starts feeling like a sodium-free Saltine cracker that fell in the crack between the fridge and the cupboard weeks ago, it's time to wiggle your way out. Bermuda? Bahama? Come on, pretty mama — let's get real, it doesn't matter where you go as long as they don't serve saltine crackers. Enjoy the "you" time, and who knows — you may come home with a cute new cookie.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Looks like it may finally be time for you to quit smashing porcelain pigs, flipping couch cushions and waiting in line at the Coinstar, Sag! Things are really turning around for you in the way of finances this month. On the 29th, Mercury is scheduled to dial up Mars for an oh-so-friendly chitchat all about you and those bags o' change. Go ahead, slip the hostess a twenty on date night to secure that coveted window seat — pretty soon you'll be rolling in it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Mercury's simultaneous beam to Mars this week can only mean one thing: Cupid delivered last week and he's here to stay! Even if you were already attached when the arrows hit, they certainly gave you the ability to exercise that sensual muscle that may have need a little toning. This week, romance goes beyond the sheets as your iPhone starts binging like it's going out of style. What's all the technological ruckus for? Turns out your sweetie can't wait to tell you just how special you are. . . all day long.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This week you're going to feel a little jumbled while you make your way out of the moving process. You'll have boxes to move, walls to paint, shelves to construct. . . the list goes on. Thankfully, however, once you've removed the masking tape holding you together at the seams, you will experience nothing but relief. There is no better time then now to clear out all of the clutter of yesterday's troubles. Take a deep breath — new home, new you! Time to pop the champagne and shower yourself in its bubbly goodness.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Nobody loves working the hermit persona more than you; it's practically your calling. You may not have given any thought to your "Power Animal," but it's probably a turtle. Or something else with a burly exterior hiding a tender little belly. How is this relevant? Well. This week somebody's going to be reaching up under your emotionally protective gear to poke and prod at your delicate parts. Sounds uncomfortable, right? It doesn't have to be. Those sensitive bits of yours are long overdue for some attention.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Mars has basically been your own personal Blue Fairy Godmother all month long, forever watching over your sweet little behind in any number of misadventures and shenanigans. And Lord knows, you love being pampered — why be the designated driver, when you can drunkenly dance in the passenger seat of your life? But when Mars bones out on the 9th, you're going to need to pony up and take the reins. So pull on your captain's hat and get ready to take charge of your romantic situation. Everybody loves to be led sometimes, especially when that leader has as much moxie and magnetism as you.
