61 Frames Per Second by John Constantine Today in Hooksexup's videogame blog: Street Fighter. The movie. A new one. With that chick from that Superman show. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Mad Men's January Jones struts her stuff in Vanity Fair. Plus: Damages returns, the latest Gossip Girl guest star and Donna Martin capitulates.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Don't be discouraged on Monday when someone says, "I like your new outfit — go fuck yourself." Who knows what their problem is, but they're best ignored. On Tuesday, you need to get someone who's been right under your nose right under your waist. They'll be like one of those guests on a TV show who prove so perfect that you're tempted to sign them up for a whole season of "opening the door to your set," if you get my meaning.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
I like Leonard Cohen, but frankly, I'm a little baffled by him. What kind of music is that? All those Central Casting backup singers and Miami Vice music makes him an island unto himself. This week, that's you. You'll keep a lot of things close to the vest. When you offer opinions, they'll have something to do with obscure monkeys, vague Cold War-era political allusions and (I think, but can't be sure) oral sex as sacrament. This may make you hard to sleep with, as people will have trouble wading through it all. On Friday, take advantage of your practicality and say, "I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. And by that I mean, can I give you a handjob?"
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Gemini is kind of a split-personality sign, and you're going to be a little like Sybil this week. On the outside, you're a hit with everyone. People will come up to you with genitalia exposed, eyes wild with desire, mouths frozen in laughter at every word you say. But inside, you're quiet and contemplative, pondering eternal questions like monks do. Of course, monks are actually thinking, "Goddamn that Brother Jeffrey. If I get the chance, I'm going to stick a shank in that bastard!" But you're like they're supposed to be. This contemplation will come in handy on Friday, when your sage advice will be needed to solve a problem.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
You're like a John Patrick Shanley play this week. (He wrote the movie Moonstruck! Geez, the guy wins an Oscar and a Pulitzer, and you don't know who he is?!) Anyway, in your life, as in Shanley's work, there will be much cursing and slapping at first. But by the end (in this case, Friday), you'll be transformed by the redemptive power of love. Just be wary of your nostalgic feelings on Saturday.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Omigod! I was just on the internet and there was a pop-up that said, "Looking for love?" and at that same moment, the same words came from my stereo, which is currently playing "The Lady In Red." Being a particularly attuned horoscope writer, I can only interpret this as a sign for you, Leo. Particularly on Friday, get misty and have one of those we-are-the-only-two-on-the-planet slow dances. Be sure to huskily whisper "I love you" at the end. That's the best part.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
It's time to stop messing with people your age; it's starting to seem like you're in love with yourself. See what bounty there is amongst those to your junior and senior. This week, it looks like seniors will be the way to go: on Thursday, you'll be looking for knowledge, and seniors know their way around the sack! So hop to, Virgo — who knows how long this MILF window will remain open.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
I have a friend who compiled a report called something like "Boyfriends of Many Lands." It chronicled all the boys she had lain with in the Biblical sense, even if they were from countries that don't read the Bible. This will be a good week for you to look abroad (or, at least, to the next town over) for love. The possibilities of an entirely new mall and the People's Republic of 30 Miles Away will intoxicate you. By Sunday, be ready to get wild. The locals may want to make you their ruler and official sex object.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You're living a commune love affair this week. You'll start out with smiles over the campfire, seeing third eye to third eye with someone special. Good vibrations will abound. The sex will be phenomenal, conjuring words like "yoni" in your mind. Midweek, you'll be communicating, walking hand-in-hand over the fallow fields and discussing the carcinogenic potential of silicone in deodorant. But watch out as the weekend comes. Arguments — or in this case, massive passive-aggression — will surface. By Sunday, your new lover will claim that your attachment is an expression of capitalism and they must be free to bone. So pack your bags and head back to civilization. And put on shitloads of Secret as revenge.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Someone wants to fight you this week. It has all the markings of a battle-of-the-wills a la Mohammad Ali and George Foreman in Zaire. Run up a lot of courthouse steps, drink raw eggs and talk much shit to keep in shape. And don't worry — this won't keep you from getting laid. You're at the peak of your powers, and bruises can be pretty fetching. Plenty of people will want to Vaseline up your cuts, and who knows what else.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If Mr. Rogers could instill a sense of sexual happiness, well-being and confidence, you'd be a good example of his abilities this week. You're alert, expressive, well-adjusted and horny. "Sure thing," your body seems to exclaim. "Let's do that again! Great job! Super! I am unique, and you are too! Let's stick things in each other and feel happy feelings!" Now, go outside and have fun, kids!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You may feel like you're coming out of a daze from last week, but this week will be a good one, Friday the 13th be damned. You'll be in a great mood by Tuesday. You might not think of this as a great day to meet people and charm them into your open arms, but Tuesdays are pretty hot, actually. I've seen all sorts of people getting very jazzed up and looking very cute on Tuesdays of late. As far as hooking up goes, the weekend looks even better. But watch your wallet on Sunday.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You may feel like keeping it in the family this week, perhaps have a few too many beers with third cousin Ronnie or get hot and bothered by Nabokov's Ada, or Ardor, which is about a brother/sister romance. I won't be the one to tell you not to get with them — I shall refrain from using "family get-together" puns — although you may have to make some concessions to proper society as the weekend, particularly Sunday, approaches.
