Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Fortuitous clothing choices will shape your week, much like they did for that woman in Florida whose bra strap saved her from a .38-caliber bullet. On a whim, you'll pull that Donald Duck sailor shirt from the back of your closet on the same day the person you've been pursuing suddenly develops a lust for all things Disney and nautical. But dismiss any notions that this person only likes you for your clothes — attractive garments only serve to enhance your true personality.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
This week, you'll be torn between your loyal lover and the brooding Svengali who made you what you are. One will want you to spend more time at home, while the other demands you devote all hours to perfecting your craft. Remember that all things should be taken in moderation — even moderation itself. A body of work is a lovely thing to leave behind, but a body like a triathlete's, as your lover has, should never be ignored.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
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Your obsession with a small problem in your sex life disproportionately demands your attention this week, obscuring the larger picture of near-total sexual satisfaction. Before complaining, reflect on those less fortunate. Do you think that boring, stoic couple in 4F has as many sex toys as you do? No. Do you think your ex is having any sex at all right now? Let's assume not. Count your blessings and your shortcomings will seem insignificant by comparison.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Who says work and pleasure don't mix? This week, combine your favorite bedroom antics with your least favorite career responsibilities. Need ten ideas for your next meeting? Brainstorm with a friend while engaged in a sixty-nine. Answer customer-care calls while receiving oral pleasure from underneath your desk. By combining mundane tasks with appealing activities, you'll keep the frustrations of an over-compartmentalized life at bay.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
This week, you'll feel like you're surrounded by conspirators. How are you the only person who didn't know about the coke-fueled grope session on the fire escape? Cast your suspicions aside — you're simply in the wrong places at the wrong times. I, too, often walk in on a couple screwing in a bedroom at a party and wonder why I wasn't invited.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Normally, you don't mind when someone comes on to you by pushing your head toward their crotch. This week, however, you won't be in the mood for such gas-station-attendant grittiness, no matter how hot those oily hands and Calvin-peeing-on-Osama window decals are. Luckily, someone wants to woo you with gentle, delicate romantic love. Enjoy it, and next week you can head back to the QuikStop for some abrupt, greasy full service.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You're full of witty retorts this week, but avoid flip statements like, "That's rich! Especially coming from someone who gave their second cousin head on their grandmother's bed!" You've got too many skeletons in your closet to spark a gossip war. That time you failed to perform while rolling in your Garfield bed sheets with an underage hooker isn't something you want people discussing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I used to know a guy who was adored for his spontaneity. He had an almost mystical sense of adventure. Then one time, he stayed with me in Berlin, and after supposedly leaving to go back to France, showed up at five a.m. wanting breakfast. Then he wouldn't leave my apartment. You, too, will feel impulsive this week, but just remember that being endearingly free-spirited becomes super-annoying eventually. Keep in mind other people's malaise.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You're full of remarkable insights this week, which will dazzle the pants off some fresh young thing you've had your eye on. Don't take yourself too seriously, however. Astuteness has its limits. For instance, I'm terrifically shrewd, but I still don't know why people ever liked the Crash Test Dummies.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Doesn't a kid on a pogo stick sound nice? Yes, it does. But what if that kid is on that squeaky-ass pogo stick for three hours right outside your bedroom window while you lie inside, unable to sleep, too hot and with a slight toothache? Then that kid starts becoming what is euphemistically referred to as a motherfucker. You'll have good ideas this week, but don't take them too far. Keep your ambitions in check, and oil the springs on that goddamn human jackhammer before I snap it in half.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You'll have a lot in common with the bad guys on Little House on the Prairie this week. Your sociopathic behavior will be blunted by the kindness of someone like that Highway to Heaven guy and his caring family. You don't enjoy being mean to settlers or stealing horses. You just need some love and understanding. After you realize why you've been so crabby, you'll be rewarded under a calico quilt in the barn.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Imagination is a valuable thing, but yours will be a tad overactive this week. Just because the mind can conjure something doesn't mean it should be manifested. For instance, people enjoy his cartoons on SNL, but give Robert Smigel a television show and it's all chicken-themed antics followed by an abrupt cancellation. Similarly, your bukkake innovations are revolutionary, but finding folks willing to stand in those long lines will prove difficult. Imagine ways to simplify, instead.
