Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Like the loser in a teen movie, you'll endure mockery and derision from the popular kids this week. But you'll be vindicated by week's end when they make fools of themselves in front of their hot significant others — hot significant others with whom you'll quickly establish a passionate sexual relationship. Now that you're cool, take care not to become one of those bullies who made your life hell. Set a new standard for nice-guy popularity.  

Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
An intellectual connection will yield untold sexual thrills this week, much like the mind-meld practiced by Vulcans on Star Trek. Not that I ever watch Star Trek [nervous laughter]. Don't let the higher math result in too much talk and too little action. Use your newfound wisdom to concoct the ultimate, physics-defying sex position. Practice it in zero gravity if possible.

Cancer (June 21-July 21)

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Your tendency to act as therapist, cop and sexual arbiter for everyone will lead to trouble this week. Friends will not benefit from hearing your opinions on their every one-night stand. Step back and allow folks to work out their own issues, instead of constantly getting involved. Comments like, "Well, for starters, you're really bad at giving head" only foster resentment.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Like a swashbuckler from melodramatic, over-budget films of old, you'll swing from chandeliers and battle the French army singlehandedly this week. Not literally, of course, but that's how you'll look and feel. Your enthusiasm and fearlessness will be contagious, prompting others to take risks and seize the day. Capitalize on your inevitable success by sweeping a crush off their feet. You look fantastic in those tight high-waisted britches, so now is the time.