Screengrab by Various Today in Hooksexup's film blog: Our own Scott Von Doviak subjects himself to twenty-four hours of cinema's worst Stephen King adaptations.
Dating Confessions by You "Deep down, I still believe the mean things people said about me in junior high."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Hooksexup's culture blog: Google's new Mail Goggles teach us that we're better at math after a few drinks.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Saturday Night Live gets a new boyfriend, and his name is Jon Hamm. Plus: Gossip Girl spoilers and The View women continue their descent into madness.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
We know you’ve been stressed lately, but this week you’re in luck. A cool wave of calm should be washing over you any second now, purging you of the stress/hangover of last weekend. Embrace the wave, ride the wave, let it get you sopping wet and fill your hair with salty sea water — it has much to teach you about harnessing life’s challenges, as well as about crustaceans and sea anemones. Mostly that they’re freakin’ cool. With Venus and Mars are on your side, your dance card is going to be full, and having an interesting conversation topic (such as “freakin’ cool creatures of the sea”) at hand will be totally helpful in your honorable pursuit of booty. Goooooo anenomes!
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are being watched. Yes, right now. We aren’t the best astrologists (we’re kind of drunk right now) so we can’t see the stars clearly enough to make out exactly where your watcher is located. But the conjoining of Mercury and Saturn (or is that Mars?) indicates that you are in danger. So run, run for your life. Run far, far away from wherever you are and don’t look back, or you're likely to be attacked or eaten by someone who looks like Lil’ Kim meets Snoop Dogg in the body of Borat’s friend Azamat. We'd write more about your horrible astrological forecast, but someone just served us some more wine. So. . . bye.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Get ready to lick, slam and suck this week like a tequila shot, Sag, because it’s going to be an adventure. With Mercury in retrograde, you might find yourself a bit dizzy, missing appointments, meetings, parties — basically, anything you thought you had planned is not going to actually happen. Don’t worry though, because just like when you’re doing shots, your agenda might go awry but you’ll sure as hell have fun. So enjoy the ride; although you may not remember all your adventures, that’s what tagged pictures on Facebook are for!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Big changes are in the air. If you’re a teen girl (um, why are you on this site?), maybe it’ll be that time of the month for the first time. If you’re an older woman, maybe it’ll be that time of the month for the last time. If you’re a dude, maybe you’ll have a sex change operation and become a woman. The point is, try not to PMS too much, literally or metaphorically. If you keep your cool, you will be handsomely rewarded at the end of the week when the Sun, new moon, Mars and Mercury are in your house of fame. That’s two planets, a moon and a star — change that, bitch.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
So we know the new Top Model is on this Wednesday, and Ugly Betty is premiering on Thursday (trust us, we know), but dude, that’s what Tivo is for. Get your ass out of the house this week, because if you do, things are going to eff-ing happen. We’re talking job promotions, we’re talking meeting the love of your life, we’re talking falling down ten flights of stairs and breaking a leg. Sorry honey, we can’t guarantee nothing bad will happen to you, but trust us: the sweet will far outweigh the sour if you just get off your ass and into your car/on the subway/in the air via your homemade flying machine. So go out there, and smile with your eyes, dammit!
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Okay, we want you to remain calm (FOR GOD’S SAKE REMAIN CALM), but we’re gonna suggest you make a stop at the drugstore. . . for a pregnancy test. Seriously, it’s going to be okay, we’re not even sure you or your significant other are knocked up, it just appears that um, you are. But hey, the stars also said that OJ was guilty, and that turned out to be wrong! Look, we are so sorry if this isn’t the best time for a baby, but guess what? Now you and Jamie Lynn and Ashlee Simpson are like, totally BFF! (Did we mention that we want you to remain calm?)
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Have you been feeling a little wet lately. . . down there? Do you find that everything and anything turns you on (old men in their pajamas, bulldogs. . . )? This may be because Jupiter and Saturn are working together in the cosmic arena this month, which usually stimulates your sexual desire and appeal. So if you're feeling extra sexy, flaunt it! Show some cleavage, wear that feather thong and get kinky. Take a pit stop at your local fetish store or sex toyshop. Word is there’s a new velvet, chocolate-flavored electric lovers’ swing set out on the market.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Slow down there, Taurus. Summer's over and it’s time to concentrate on your professional ambitions. We know “working” and staying indoors are the last things you want to do, especially with the festival and concert season ending with a big bang this month. We too wish we could just hop on to life’s wild carpet ride and not have to worry about anything else (bills, making a living, birth control, etc.). However, we strongly recommend you test your will power and avoid those recreational temptations. If you want to be successful career-wise, now is not the time to float around in Lala Land. Sometimes you can’t always have what you want, and now is the perfect situation to test your strength and maturity.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Mercury and Neptune are crossing paths this week, which is why you may feel creatively stimulated. Follow your heart and your artistic instincts! There is no better release than self-expression and this is just what you need to ground yourself and feel special. We don’t care if you draw like a blind five year old or sing like Ashlee Simpson. Let go and find out what you are good at. Maybe you’ll discover that you sound like Whitney Houston when gargling water in the shower? Or perhaps you can pull off Eric Clapton’s Layla solo with your teeth? The possibilities are endless and we guarantee you’ll find that confidence you’ve been searching for, with a little effort towards exercising the right side of your brain.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
We sense a huge transition coming up in your life — are you making a major change in your career? Moving to a new apartment or country? Whatever it is, you're feeling on edge, and all the planetary drama this month is throwing you even more off-balance. Now is the time to take a small vacation, maybe even a three-day weekend, and embrace the nature around you. Sometimes frolicking in the woods and talking to the birds and the bees can be very therapeutic to the spirit. Frolicking with a naked friend in the woods and learning about the birds and the bees can also be quite healing. . . just avoid those patches of poison ivy.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Feeling down this week? It’s perfectly normal to feel gray and gloomy with Mercury and Jupiter crossing planetary paths and throwing off your positive energy. Your family and friends may be concerned with your lack of optimism, but don’t make them feel like there is something ”wrong” with you. Tell them you are just going through an “astrological phase.” Make sure they don’t talk you into going to therapy. There are many more solutions out there to boost your attitude (drugs, alcohol and double fudge brownies). We recommend you go to a rave or a Psytrance party in the woods. We guarantee there will be enough serotonin-boosting substances to turn that frown upside down. . . so do yourself a favor and travel down the rabbit hole for a couple days to free your mind with some headache-inducing music.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
It looks like you’ve been making some crazy gambles these past weeks — putting a grand on No Chance in Hell at the racetrack, investing big time in Floppy Discs and VHS Inc., betting that egg salad in the fridge is still edible. . . we’re sorry to say, those bets will not be paying off this week. With Mercury in retrograde in your second house of earned income, there’s no way you’re doing anything besides stare at a worthless ticket, watch as your portfolio dwindles, all while sitting on the toilet for a day and a half. Look on the bright side — at least you can get a lot of reading done!
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
