The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Palin camp may get SNL time to respond to Fey sketches. Wahlberg camp still mum on their demands. Plus: Dexter, Brothers and Sisters and Gwen Ifill reacts to Queen Latifah.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Rome wasn't built in a day, Libra. If you've always wondered what the hell that had to do with you, take note: Mercury in retrograde is affecting your career advancement this month. Perhaps things aren't moving along exactly as you'd hoped. But you can still research the competition, polish your resume and build your portfolio. Nothing overt will happen this week, but in the coming months you'll build your own empire.
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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Pay attention to your dreams week, Scorpio — your intuition will be powerful and on-point. Keep that dream journal next to your bed; if you listen to your subconscious, you may discover ways to change and improve your life. I'm not saying your recurring dream starring Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayek and a whirlpool tub filled with tapioca pudding means anything. But just in case, you'd better write it all down.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Did you feel a special kinship to Max Fischer in Rushmore? Maybe you weren't in the French club, on the debate team, or into lacrosse, calligraphy, trap and skeet, fencing, beekeeping or the Bombardment Society, but this month the stars predict fabulous collaborations. You might join forces with someone at work, at play, or in love, but however it happens, you're apt to discover that very good things can come in pairs.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
With Mercury in retrograde, you may feel stalled at work. Never fear: even if contracts aren't signed, with Mercury being all backwards and shit, all your hard work, informational interviews and tireless networking/ass-kissing is working. You'll see results manifest soon enough. In the meantime, keep planning and going after your goals, and take enough time off so you can kiss other things besides corporate ass.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Did you see the Oprah that featured a couple who lost weight through their "sex diet"? As in, whenever they craved pistachio ice cream, Doritos, or a double cheeseburger, they had sex. They also incorporated dance moves and exercise balls into their sex routine, if memory serves. Maybe I made that up. Either way, this week is great time to focus on your fitness and health. I'm not prescribing the sex diet, but if it helps . . .
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You've been focusing on your finances and career, but this week is a stellar time to clock out at a reasonable hour. Romance and travel beckon, especially midweek. You'll be feeling fine and flirtatious, so put your sexy charisma to good use. When you focus all your energy on your career, you can definitely make the money multiply. See what else can multiply if you focus all your energy on looove.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You've been burning the midnight oil, and it shows. You should feel like a superstar — albeit an overworked and rather sleepy one. Your stellar career progress will continue quite nicely this week, so go after what you want with gusto. Then again, you don't know any other way, do you? Just make sure you take care of yourself, as well. There are things other than your job that you can burn the midnight oil for.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Have you been feeling the urge to splurge on a new fall wardrobe? Or have you been drinking the low-fat milk and taking the stairs instead of the elevator? The stars predict you'll want to remake yourself and strengthen, hone and tone your body — all good things, and all backed by the cosmo's (and Cosmo's) seal of approval.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
We all know there are two sides to every coin, and often two sides to you Geminis, as well. On one hand this week, you've got powerful celestial matchmakers showering you with cosmic mojo. Your wit will sparkle, your smile will flash, you'll feel pretty and confident and pimple-free. On the other hand, you'll need to put all these gifts to good use. Get out there and wow potential lovers; heads or tails, you'll be a winner.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
This week is the perfect time to clean out your closets, sweep under the bed and finally hang those pictures or new blinds. It's also the perfect time to host a gathering, whether it's a family dinner or a steamy late-night tryst. Now aren't you glad you bought those blinds? Feel free to leave them open.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Artists don't have to be tortured, Leo, which is a good thing for two reasons this week. One, because typically the only torture Leos like is the exquisite, how-much-can-you-take kind at the hands of their lovers. And two, this week you'll be feeling particularly creative and passionate. So use your talents, let the ideas flow, but enjoy yourself. There's no need to cut off an ear in the name of love or art.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
You're an analytical wunderkind, the go-to person your friends call when they buy IKEA furniture and can't figure out how to put it together. But this week you'll feel both wonderfully observant and abundantly social. Use your astute powers of observation to pick out the best brand of beer at the microbrewery, and raise a glass with all the friends and lovers who'll be flocking to you. You're adored and popular, Virgo, even when there's no microwave clock to set.
