Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Just like a vintage Coca-Cola commercial, this week will feature youngsters gathering together for activities that seem so wholesome they can only mean trouble, which is great. If you find that sidling up to the drug-store counter to order a malt feels a bit more Saturday Evening Post than you'd prefer, keep in mind that the young hands underneath that counter are far more nefarious. Don't forget to tip your soda jerk.
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Get a jumpstart on your holiday-season sighs this week by contemplating how very grey your once black-and-white love life has become. Revisit the loins of former lovers, and consider the tangled, bittersweet wonder of dating in the modern age. But don't become maudlin — an overheard sigh from a similarly reflective person will yield a lot of sex accompanied by old Dan Fogelberg songs, and it doesn't get any better than that.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week, you'll be presented with other options, tempting you to ditch your lackluster partner and take a risk on someone who could be your key to true happiness, or just a passive-aggressive slut. Dial down the shouting matches with your significant other so your neighbors can go back to hating you for blaring your Justin Timberlake CDs instead.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This week will be filled with metaphysical conundrums. There are a multitude of sexual positions and partners to consider, special circumstances, connotations, the potential cleanup in the aftermath, safety, etc. So much to take into account! Set aside some time for contemplation instead of just jumping into the act ill-prepared, and you'll find the existential rewards are that much sweeter.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
One has to imagine that a large amount of hate sex took place amongst Republicans last week. You can almost see them sweating and growling about the thumpin' they received (as Dubya put it) with each thrust. Although you'll be in a much better mood than that this week, take a page from the GOP playbook, as the Democrats did, and incorporate some latent aggression into your sex life.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Like Jodie Foster in Nell, verbal communication will take a back seat to other forms of expression this week. Conversational awkwardness doesn't mean that you and your date don't have a whole lot to say with other portions of your anatomy. Work on body language and expressive gestures, and you'll find that people know exactly what you mean.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Despite the cautionary tale that is Britney and Kevin, you'll feel compelled to commit to someone this week. You're an adult now, dammit, and all your friends seem to be in serious relationships, so shouldn't you be too? Who cares if you only feel sort of "eh" about your partner and need to have a few cocktails before sex with them. Proudly stand and declare to your family and friends, "I love this person, and we look forward to many weeks of affairs and unplanned pregnancy before having our union officially dissolved." It's the mature thing to do.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
In addition to damaging your eyesight, this week you'll find that viewing things from too close has caused other problems as well. Take a step back, squint one eye at a time and try and get a new perspective. Has your significant other really gotten fatter, or is their personality just starting to make them appear less attractive? You'll be surprised what truths reveal themselves with a fresh look.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
You may want to see if there's a sex version of those Worst Case Scenario books this week. A certain amount of paranoia is healthy (you want to be skeptical of escort photos taken with a fisheye camera), but don't let it devolve into mindless cynicism. Have an exit strategy to escape bad blind dates and crushingly dull conversations at the bar, but roll with the punches when possible.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
You'll thrive on competition this week. Just when your partner is about to come, you'll squeak in (or out) just a split second ahead of them, then cheer your own first-place finish. You'll be sexier and nastier in bed than anyone thought you could be. Others may think it odd when you do your little victory dance after every session, but it's good to set goals for yourself, even if no one else is competing.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
A little star-covered notebook for your dreams, oversize workout sweaters and a perky sense of ambition should be on your checklist this week. Like those kids in Fame, you have to make it happen. All eyes are on you, so ignore those sore calves and buttocks, jump in bed with a naked partner and practice, practice, practice!
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
When someone shows an interest in that most private part of you this week, seize the opportunity. You may want to start planning elaborate scenarios for your future with this person, but try to focus on the present. There are a lot of complicated buttons, buckles and fabrics to work your way through without adding housing options and join bank accounts. Be like Buddha and live in the now.
