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REGULARS
posted 11/20/2006
NOVEMBER 20-26
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Nothing wrong with being a shape-shifter, but you'll need to pare down to a single persona this week. You've been switching partners, haircuts and sexual orientations so frequently no one knows what to think of you anymore. Restrict yourself to one or two faces, and you'll find that setting narrower boundaries can result in greatly expanded opportunities.
promotion
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your three-ring-circus-style sexual fantasies are in full swing. You don't have to watch many My Chemical Romance or Panic! At the Disco videos to see that elaborate makeup, outfits and stage antics are very au courant. This week, get out there and realize those dreams of stilt-walking intercourse and histrionic foreplay. Just take care you don't cut yourself on Gerard Way's vampire teeth.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
In Dostoevsky's The Idiot, a character explains that he was depressed and sick, then awoke upon hearing an ass and it made him happy forever. This week, an unanticipated ass will change your life too. There will be those who laugh at you about it (it happens in the book too), but don't let that get in your way. They're just jealous.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
People often need to pee before sex. This is something you need to accept. Say the AA serenity prayer if you have to, but don't let inevitable delays get you riled. Lately, you've expected your sexual encounters to be of uninterrupted, Hollywood-grade fluidity. This is impossible. This week, get accustomed to rolling with the punches.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Intrigue and scandal will spice up your week. People cheating on each other and plotting one another's downfalls will have you feeling as if you've stepped into a pulpy crime potboiler or one of the darker episodes of Ugly Betty. Stay tuned into gossip and schmooze, schmooze, schmooze to keep ahead of the game, all while concocting a scheme of two of your own. But also remember that Ugly Betty always ends on a tender, optimistic note, so you've nothing to fear.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You're headed for a lucky week. You'll be wandering through the dark forest, penniless and depressed, when lo and behold! A leprechaun and a pot full of gold! And you know what they say about the sexual proclivities of leprechauns, heh heh. . . Hmm. Regardless, it may be well into the weekend before you even begin to take interest in his gold. You've always been more attuned to life's physiological pleasures.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
The last surprise birthday party I went to was horrible. The birthday boy was late, and everyone was trashed and hiding behind the couch in the dark, listening to this obnoxious guy put the moves on the birthday boy's wife. Surprises aren't all they're cracked up to be. Matter of fact, they're usually more awkward than they're worth. This week, choose instead to attract the obvious, unsurprising sexual attentions of that certain someone.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Sure, it's thrilling to wonder whether tonight's the night, but this week you'll derive pleasure from unpredictability. You'll be immaculately scheduled, aware of precisely what hour your pants will be around your ankles. This will make not only your sex life, but your entire life, feel guided by a wonderful, reliable rhythm. Set your watch by your orgasms.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
That deeply shallow person may prove to be just plain shallow if you scratch their surface this week. Two things to keep in mind: are you sure you want to know what lies beneath, and are you sure it isn't you who's just plain shallow? Instead of searching for other's flaws, excavate your own and stop looking to assuage your insecurities by criticizing others.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
There's something to be said for ninety-minute movies. Consider this the next time you desire epic-length sex. Often, you find yourself stretching thin an episode that would best be completed with a short, intense burst of activity. Remember Meet Joe Black? Of course you don't, because it was five hours long. The human body may be seventy percent liquid, but expelling all that fluid won't make sex any more impressive.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
This will be a stressful week, what with your natty little cousin demanding vegan gravy and everyone mad at Uncle Tommy for blowing grandma's estate in Atlantic City. Despite how satisfying it is to upturn a table, keep that impulse at bay. Assuming you succeed in not exploding all over everybody, the week will take a dramatic turn for the better, relieving your tension in much more satisfying ways than ruining your own dinner.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
That shouting, melodramatic lover won't be your cup of tea this week. You'll want your sexual activities to be so subtle that you could engage in them on public transportation and no one would know. Quiet, calm, Joanna Newsom-style sex will be the order of the week. You've been overstimulated lately, so indulge this urge. Resist any temptation to put Queens of the Stone Age back on.
