The Modern Materialist by Various Almost everything you want. Today: Ten things worth giving up for the new year. . . and at least thirty to replace them!
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian The Gossip Girl spinoff is a no, but Jenna Jameson and William Shatner are a "Yes, yes, oh God, yes!" Plus: get ready for the gayest Oscars ever?
REGULARS
posted 11/24/2008
NOVEMBER 24 - NOVEMBER 30
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You're in your living room, sulking and folding socks. There's a knock at the door, and you open it a crack. "Good evening," says John Adams, founder of the New World. He hands you a bouquet of roses. "Here are the flowers, and I have to tell you. . ." He looks at a wrinkled piece of paper. ". . .stop being so broody!" The socks drop to the floor. You blink a lot. ". . .Broody?" He looks ruffled. "Yes, broody. The mood that would befit a mother hen. Nestish, mawkish, dithering, morbid. Basically, lighten up!" He folds the paper in thirds and pockets it, sniffs, turns on his heel and walks down the hall. You decide to go out for a walk, and put on your shoes. You run into him in the foyer. "Forgot to mention," he says in a friendly way, "If you don't stop being broody, I've been instructed to hit you with a frying pan. Bye!"
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
"Zut alors!" says Frenchie, your intern. "Look at all zee bubble wrap!" He's right. The crooked joint they're paying you to investigate is wallpapered with the stuff. You smell a rat. "Keep close, Frenchie," you mutter around your cigarette. "Big Joe Bonobo and his boys could be anywhere." Pop. Pop. "Hey, watch that stuff!" you snarl, whipping around. "Ah, mister detective," Big Joe says, bubble wrap between sausagelike fingers, "what a wonderful surprise!" Slowly pinch your cigarette from your mouth and flick it into the paper-filled wastebin. Use your wits to distract Joe from the curls of smoke. Remember, Capricorn, the intern is watching. Like they say in Britaintown: Keep calm and carry on.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Everything seems to be passing you by this week — taxis ignore you, your next-door neighbor got flowers, and your local community group has formed a Mad Scientist chapter without inviting you. This is what frolicking was invented for. Buy some flowers at a bodega (or make some out of paper, if you're broke), skip merrily and strew flowers in your wake. Or at least picture the current White House administration doing it. Either way, get some exercise and do some slow breathing.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Ah, Pisces, you puddle-jumper. You're up to your eyeballs again. The newspapers are so high in the hallway, they've swallowed the laundry whole, and are advancing hungrily on the kitchen. The toothpaste is forming crustules on the countertop. CD cases and developing lifeforms are crushed pitilessly underfoot as you stumble to the bathroom. Hark: it is The Cleaning Time. Take a few days to organize your life, and practice List Control: check some items off, before the lists themselves reproduce beyond all hope.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You don't want to be a Scrooge, but this pesky global recession is forcing you to skimp on gifts this year. Don't worry; you're not the only one. And the stars are aligning in a way that is making you even more sociable than usual. Let your friends and family shower you with gifts this year and don't hesitate to bring nothing but yourself to the party.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Hot damn, bulls! Maybe it's just your new scent, but every living thing in the arena is waving its fanciest red cloth in your direction. No doubt, everyone's noticing you this week. While this may lead to more unsolicited groping on public transportation than you were hoping for, the upside is that you're absolutely drowning in eligible suitors. Our experience is that it never rains but it pours, so you'd best make the most of this, and schedule as many hot dates as you can. Olé!
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Borrowing always seems like a good idea, but it never really is. Why should you and your partner need two copies of that Feist CD? Why not share the one? For that matter, why should you and your friend need two separate lovers when you could do an alternating four-days-on, three-off rotation? Because people, no matter how many times they read books about Zen Buddhism, are possessive. Avoid conflict by getting your own people and things.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
The romantic wanderlust hits you hard this week. While we'd normally prescribe a round-the-world cruise with an attractive stranger, the fact is that's just not in your budget at the moment. Why not try some wacky travel exploit instead? Tying a million helium balloons to your chaise lounge always worked fine in the movies; some sunny, apple-faced love interest is sure to be hopelessly charmed by your wacky antics.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
You've been feeling like letting loose lately, and while we'd normally tell you to go for it, frankly, there's too much going on this week for your batshit-crazy antics. Your boss doesn't want to hear about your plans to turn the conference room into a coed sauna, that poodle-grooming business you've been dreaming about is not going to pan out in this economy, and that habit of singing along to Barry Manilow at 3 a.m. is not going to impress the cutie down the hall. So do yourself a favor and forget about that bird on the wire and the drunk in the midnight choir: you can try to be free next week.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
The old guilt complex is kicking into overdrive, and you feel a need to atone for your worse egotistical impulses. And in your expansive mood, no gesture is too grand. Just remember to learn from Oprah's mistakes. If there's anything that self-styled modern-day saint has taught us, it's the importance of diligence when hiring staff for your charitable organizations.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Apparently all good deeds go unnoticed, because you're all about the self-aggrandizing gesture this week. Build a golden idol of yourself and make your employees practice human sacrifice; no act of hubris is too extreme. After all, one man's rampant egotism is another country's brand-new religion. Young tribesman should be dropping slaughtered calves on your doorstep in no time.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Well, bully for you, you precious little bunny. Pluto's in Capricorn. Pluto hasn't been in Capricorn in 246 years. The last Scorpio who had Pluto in Capricorn was John Adams, for cripes' sake. For the next fifteen years — starting Tuesday — you'll be more perceptive, concentrated and focused than you've ever been. Better than your kids and grandkids ever will be, too, unless we start developing an alien/human hybrid program. Which, given your newfound mental acuity, is just the sort of thing you'd be great at right now. Put up some posters — maybe you can start a club!
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
