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NOV. 29 - DEC. 5
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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The sweet smell of Christmas is right around the corner; it’s time to figure out who’s been naughty, who’s been nice, who should get a little ass-slappin’ and who should just get slapped. Heads up: Miss Mental Clarity will squeeze her cherubic ass down your fireplace on Wednesday, so if you’re going to make a list, Wednesday’s the day to do it. On Thursday, spend a few extra hours shopping online (Miss Mental Clarity HATES the mall) for your most deserving bedmate. If you're single or don’t have any naughty people to shop for, treat yourself to a bulging sex drawer.
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Looks like the Christmas Crazies are are visiting you a little early this year. You have two options on Wednesday and Friday, when your inner holiday-music-hating psychotic will come out. You can stay home, close the blinds and drown your sorrows, or say to hell with holiday-induced mania and go out. Drinking in public is more fun, especially when you're sitting next to a horny holiday-hater like yourself. On Thursday and Sunday, you’ll be your optimistic old self, so feel free to hang out with the “normals.” Although we’re pretty sure that after one night of sexual commiseration and intoxication, you won’t want to go back.
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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You may want to reign in that free spirit of yours. A little hippie-dippiness is a good thing, but if you keep up this Pollyanna trip, you're going to be weaving dreamcatchers inside a year. Try to be as practical this week, particularly on Friday, when potential suitors will see you as dark and mysterious if you lose that pesky sunniness. Spend the first part of the week planning a Thursday night that would make Paris Hilton blush. On Saturday, you'll feel more like giving than receiving, so it's an optimal date night with a lover to whom you feel indebted. If they spend the night, the roles could reverse themselves come Sunday morning. |
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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Water sign is euphemism for "lush" this holiday season. But you may want to think about scaling it back this week since the stars are aligning, particularly on Thursday night, to make each drink count for two. (It's a moon/tidal wave thing.) This means you could be headed for a long night of self-deception and one bitch of a morning-after shame spiral. If you do end up coming home with someone of dubious character, walk home with your head high, chalk it up to a good story and try again with someone new (and a little less booze) on Sunday night. |
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Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
With Mars and Uranus aligned, your sex life will exceed expectations this week. If you ever wanted to join Cirque du Soleil, well, you still can’t, but you can play a contortionist in the bedroom. If you're single, embrace the new, flexible you and ask out that much-older object of your fantasies. They’ve got experience, you’ve got agility, and the combination will definitely wake your neighbors. If you're attached, on Wednesday, break up the monotony and bring home some new sex toys. On Thursday, take the night off. Friday, rev it up again and spend the weekend out on the town. If you’re single, remember: EVERYONE is looking for a lover right now. Make the most of it, and don’t forget to sample.
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Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
He loves me; he thinks I'm a psychotic, overemotional freak. She loves me; she thinks I should be stuffed and placed in an ape diorama at the National History Museum. Midweek, you're going to have a hard time figuring out whether you're being realistic or fatalistic when it comes to matters of your lover's heart. Take a Xanax and turn off your ringer until Thursday when, if you can't get laid, no one can. Do your best to avoid mixing sex and money on Friday night. We're not saying that you're one to pay for it or bribe prospectives with bottles of champagne, just that tonight's not the best night to break your "no expensive dinner on a first date" rule. Relax on Saturday with a B movie and some self-love, because it's sexual chemistry Sunday for you, and you'll need your rest.
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Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Some of the stars think you'd be wise to spend the first part of your week making holiday cards. We say, fuck that. E-cards take a lot less time and, if you're single, yours will be better spent looking for a fuck buddy and/or a New Year's date. If you're in a relationship, your lover is going to be acting strangely, painfully idealistic – about love, money, the safety of certain sex toys – on Friday. Proceed with caution. Worst-case scenario: makeup sex waits until Saturday. If you're single, plant yourself on a barstool alongside that person you've been eyeing for the past few weeks. The sexual tension that causes the attached Taurus to fight and fornicate will lead you and your crush to the bathroom for some dirty monkey sex. |
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Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Money troubles blow, especially early this week when the reality of your checking account has you buying ramen noodles and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Chin up; we can't think of a better way to get your mind off your thinning wallet than marathon sex. If you don't have a lover, you'll be sure to find one on Thursday night, assuming you leave your house. But do not save yourself for Friday night — you'll be feeling so optimistic that you might convince yourself a certain someone will get more attractive with time (they won't). It's pity sex Saturday, so if you have a hot friend in need of a shoulder to cry on, grab Kleenex, condoms and rush (commando-style) to their rescue. |
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Cancer (June 21-July 21)
No matter what your therapist says, when it comes to your lover — or a potential lover — some things are best left unsaid. This is especially the case on Tuesday and Wednesday, when you'll be autistic in your sensitivity. If you have to have a "talk," save it for Thursday, when you'll be in much more control of your emotions and likely to eschew conversation for sex. Friday is your best date night this week. If you're single, ask someone out. If you're in a relationship, stay home with your lover so we don’t have to scream "get a room." It's follow-your-instincts Saturday, so break up, make up, or do what you know you gotta do before a volatile Sunday.
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Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
You're a maniac, maniac on the floor, and your dancing like you've never danced before. Yes, Leo, you're in the mood for sex and it doesn't matter with whom. But heed the ancient cautionary texts of Michael Sembello: make sure that your newfound burst of manic energy doesn't cause injurious blowback: it could hit you in the wallet or the heart. Calm down, stop living in a fantasy world, let go of something, take stock of what you've got. Embrace those clichés that will help you; avoid those that won't. This weekend, hang out with friends and drink like it's a Lohan family reunion. |
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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Careful whom you get in bed with this week, both literally and symbolically. A sexual or professional hookup could have long-range implications. We know that sounds ominous, but one person's paranoia is another person's tact. While we're on the subject: if you're involved, watch your step around the house. You could inadvertently offend your significant other and spend months trying to undo the damage – with little assistance from them. |
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Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
The sun and Mercury are in your third house for the rest of the month; this week, you're sharp, energetic and more than a little manic. Shift gears from "hurry up and wait" to "slow down fast." Keep your eyes on the prize to avoid burnout at work or in bed. This week, you're tempted to spend money and emotional capital recklessly — just remember that you can't return opened packages. If you don't like what could lie beneath the surface, keep the wrapper on. |
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Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. |
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