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2. I don't have a favorite Housewife. Please stop asking me, Entertainment Weekly. 3. I don't know why I'm supposed to feel really great about the revival of Teri Hatcher's career. It seems so insanely American, how we're supposed to get all excited when some rich has-been re-enters the public eye, as if Atlantis itself has finally been revealed. To be perfectly honest, the revival of Teri Hatcher's career is pretty low on my list of dreams — it comes long after relieving famine, third-world debt relief, better public schools and an ice-cream sandwich omelet. 4. Speaking of career revivals, did you see The Pacifier? If you did, you should be ashamed of yourself. We were so close to ending Vin Diesel. 5. Hey, how many comeback attempts are we allowing Mariah Carey? Four? Five? 6. Why will people admit to watching Desperate Housewives but are embarrassed to say they saw Hitch? Hitch was like the No. 1 movie in the country for weeks and weeks — loads of people saw it. You didn't murder someone. You just paid $10 to see Will Smith teach Kevin James how to dance. Which, just in case you were wondering, is not even half as bad as murdering someone. 7. You're wondering about the ice cream sandwich omelet. Trust me, it wouldn't be gross. But: how do you keep the ice cream cool? That is the question. 8. What is Felicity Huffman doing in Desperate Housewives? Felicity Huffman is a really good actress, has made some classy movies and TV shows, is married to William H. Macy and is pals with David Mamet. Why is she stooping to this stuff? Oh, I just saw Felicity Huffman drive by in a gold-plated Range Rover. Okay, now I get it. 9. By the way, if you like Desperate Housewives, they show many TV programs just like it every single weekday from noon until 4 p.m. Stay home sick, enjoy. 10. Nicollette Sheridan is freaky-deaky looking. No way John Cusack drives across the country with Daphne Zuniga for her now. 11. By the way, I want that to be the title of my autobiography: Drives Across the Country With Daphne Zuniga. 12. The Sure Thing kind of gets shortchanged in the Cusack canon. I put it somewhere below Say Anything but above Grosse Pointe Blank. I know I'm going to hear from the Grosse Pointe Blank people on that one, but I'm just not totally with you. I liked the soundtrack and had a few laughs, but the plot is kind of contrived, and Minnie Driver makes me nuts. 13. Were you waiting for me to make the Daphne Zuniga-Marcia Cross connection? I was getting to it, Dr. Mancini. 14. And Doug Savant's on Desperate Housewives, too! It's practically a Melrose reunion! Everyone in the pool! Billy! Jake! Amanda! Sydney! You forgot about crazy Sydney, didn't you? 15. With Melrose, I was always a Jane guy. I adored her. Just now, when I looked up Josie Bissett on the Internet Movie Database, it said that in 1998, she appeared in a movie called Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear, which, unless they made Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear II, is the most awesome title for a movie ever. 16. One thing I really do like about Desperate Housewives is that the neighborhood doesn't look like anything besides what it is: a Hollywood set. I mean, you watch the Housewives stand outside their well-manicured homes and you half expect a Universal Studios Tour bus to blow by. 17. It's not that I dislike Teri Hatcher, or begrudge her for turning her career around. Good for her. Really. But why do I need to see her crying at the Golden Globes? Or to Barbara Walters? Or into my answering machine? 18. Where is Dean Cain? I feel I should know this. 19. Please don't tell anyone but I have been secretly watching The Ashlee Simpson Show again and secretly liking it. 20. By the way, “La La" was a good song. Not great. But good. 21. You think the ice cream sandwich omelet would be gross but then I have you pour some chocolate syrup on that sucker and — there you go. You get it now. 22. I could talk about Desperate Housewives with anyone. But whenever the conversation turns to American Idol — poof! — I'm gone. 23. What if Dean Cain lives on my street and I don't even know? 24. Do you think Marcia Cross's parents looked at her as a small child and said, "You know, she may have a future playing psychopathic women!" 25. You could serve them for breakfast and for late-night desserts. Yum. 26. I don't trust that gardener kid. 27. Do we really think Desperate Housewives is going to have staying power? Like, will you be watching it for as long as you've watched Real World-Road Rules Challenge? Don't try to sneak out of that one. I know. 28. Basically when it comes down to it, I just sit on my ass and put down national mania of any kind. Thank God I wasn't around for the birth of electricity. 29. Trust me: that omelet would be delicious. n°
©2005 Adam Boyle & hooksexup.com. |
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