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November 5, 2001
Grab a pen and paper. What's the most you've ever spent on sex? You could arrive at your figure by adding up the expenses of the date(s) leading up to it, or your outfit, or the sexual apparatus used, or the travel to the object of your affection, or the sex itself (if you went to a prostitute). Or maybe you'd include the aftermath: What is the cost of a lifetime of herpes? Hopefully your story is sweet, but sometimes the deeper your heart is opened, all the better to infect you with.
I never buy anything in my normal life. I'm one of those people who will wipe off tinfoil if it's not too gross and re-use it to cover some other food. But for a date I'll spend hundreds. I like to pretend I don't even notice how much money is dripping out of my pocket all night long, but really I'm counting every penny and gloating over my unfettered generosity. What a fake!
Probably the biggest love-spender of all was Shah Jahan, who built the Taj Mahal for thirty-two million rupees in his wife's honor when she died mid-seventeenth century. Even though he had three other wives, he really loved this one. Built entirely of white ivory, it was supposed to represent Woman, with courtyards that looked like vaginas or wombs or heavily made-up eyes. Jahan's son went on to depose his father and lock him up for the rest of his life in one of the vagina towers! None of the participants in this week's poll has the Shah's budget, but if they did, I bet some of them would spend it all on a skyscraping sex organ in the name of love.
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 David Ray Davenport
Twenty bucks to replace the sheets. New mattress was about $250, box springs $300. A lamp was also destroyed in the process which was about $50. The emergency room visit, which if I recall cost $75, plus maybe another $20 for salves and ointments, $45 for the painkillers. You could also factor in three days of lost work but that was money lost by my employer and not me.
LISA: How is this related to sex? Did you put the moves on someone and they sliced you? Or did they say no and you tried to commit suicide?
DAVID: Shortly after that particular evening's, um, activities, the lady in question informed me that she had to go as her boyfriend was coming for a visit. An argument ensued and she left. I applied alcohol till it reached the point that I thought I should be in bed and somehow forgot I was smoking. Awoke to find the bed in flames. Had to call the young lady back who took me to the hospital and brought me home and even tossed me a quickie before returning to the other fellow. She had an uncanny ability to schedule her fellows she should have been a personel manager instead of a headstart teacher.
LISA: Was it worth it?
DAVID: Her ability to orgasm was amazing. She really made a guy feel like he knew what he was doing. |
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 Scott Pandolfini
One hundred dollars once, for an all-over massage. It was a humbling experience. I almost couldn't get it up. She was rather canine-like. |
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Dave Wilson
Well, I'm a bastard; there is no most expensive date. The least expensive was probably when I sold a bike to a girl for $50, then she bought me mexican food, at approximately $12, and then we had sex. That cost me negative $62. I started my cheap bastard career early. In junior high, my mom gave me $20 as a birthday gift for the girl I was dating. At the party, I noticed that she was opening the cards and putting the money in a pile on the side, so I opened my card, took out the twenty dollars, and put my opened card in the pile of other opened cards. I assume she went back the next day, saw my card, and figured I gave her cash. She was the first girl I ever fingered, so I guess that would be my second cheapest date. |
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Leslie
A blowjob in eighth grade got me grounded for a month with no phone, no music and no leaving the house, and my mom wouldn't speak to me for weeks. My principal actually threatened to kick me out of school for tarnishing their good name.
LISA: Was it worth it?
LESLIE: Well, I did feel lucky to have had a practice try at sex. The last time I paid to get someone wasted and take me home cost only thirty-five dollars: three shots of tequila and a bag of horrendous coke. The true value of the sex was five dollars, tops. |
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 Monty Cox
I spent about three grand on a trip to Japan to live with my college girlfriend for a month. We did it on volcanoes, on buses, in fields of wild tropical flowers, any place we felt the urge. It was uncontrollable I've never had such an appetite for someone. It was worth every penny. |
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 Erin Hosier
I spend so much money on my love life it's ridiculous. I buy new ruffled bloomers from Trashy and silky panties from Victoria's and the most beautiful silk gowns with vintage lace hand-dyed in Lipton tea (to get that perfect flesh color). "Take this off," the boyfriend says every single time we're in bed, in the same tone of voice he uses to tell me to stop watching General Hospital. He thinks lingerie just gets in the way. And Egyptian linens soft sheets are important to me. He disagrees so I pay, yet he reaps the same good night's sleep. We split dinner and drinks and movies and concert tickets and gas money and rent, etc. pretty much down the middle but I always feel that I put much more into it anyway. Then there's the usual maintenance, admittedly not just for his benefit, but still: manicure, pedicure, tea rose-scented body wash, cucumber body lotion, shampoo, conditioner, bleach, apricot facial scrub, various cosmetics, etc. The gym sixty dollars a month. There are just two toiletries that he insists on: a Gillette Mach-3 razor and a super soft three-ply corduroy toilet tissue. I have a membership to a New York City sex sorority. Dues are $50 annually. I pay them because I want to support the cause but then he gets to go with me to all events, which include nights out at the strip club lap dances included and an open bar free, free, free for him. People assume that men pay for more stuff when dating. It's not true. I often think they get more benefits, at least while dating me. |
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Corbel7
I will never spend a penny on a prostitute. However, if the promise of sex is visible in the horizon, I will spend hundreds: airline tickets, a nice hotel, a very good restaurant, an excellent wine, flowers, little silver or gold trinkets. |
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 Heather
The most I have paid for sex is $1,000 for an abortion, and yes, it was worth it. It was the price of my freedom.
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 Diana Parker-Tiemens
On guys, I spend about five seconds. That's how long it takes to ask someone at the bar if he's in the mood. Guys are a dime a dozen, literally. But I always wear a Rowley skirt and Blahnik stilettos that's just under $2,000 there. Plus there's the condom cost of course. It's usually at his place; once I had to rent a motel room. The slutty feeling afterwards is always a negative. On women, I'll spend anything. So far I've bought leather pants and rings and countless dinners and trips to museums. |
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 Michael Thomas
Valentine's Day 2001, I rented a car to go see my girlfriend two hundred miles away and a really posh hotel room with a gigantic king sized bed with a silk duvet. We went to the fanciest restaurant that I had ever been in. Dinner was magnificent. Prime rib and filet mignon with baked garlic potato served on a sizzling skillet au jus. Red wine and perrier. A strawberry coulis for dessert prepared with cherry whisky. And Callebaut-dipped chocolate strawberries to finish. It was simply an amazing dinner. Back to the hotel room, we talked for a while. And five hundred dollars later, that was the end of the evening. Two months later, she dumped me. It almost makes you want to cry, but that was the best dinner I've ever had. |
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Mykel Board
If you mean for a prostitute, about $100 for two in Thailand, but I was with a pal and she split the cost with me. If you mean to just to get laid by someone special, then it was over a thousand, including airfare and dinner.
LISA: Was it worth it?
MYKEL: The prostitutes were worth it. The someone special was not. |
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 Klause Frankenheimer
I spent $40 on Friday for two hits of MDMA, the original extramarital therapy. Therapy indeed. It felt like I had the biggest erection, and my wife the deepest vagina. |
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 Caroline Pozycki
I was charged $3,000 for phone calls to Austria, for phone sex with my boyfriend. They charged me $2.25 a minute. "But I thought it was seven cents a minute anytime anywhere!" I said. I never paid, and now I have bad credit, which screws me over in all kinds of ways. It was worth it though. We have a seriously sexual relationship. He is a Scorpio, and he smolders. I changed phone companies and continued to do it every day for eleven cents a minute. |
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Lisa-Lucy
I think the most I've ever spent on a date was three hundred french francs (about fifty dollars), which was the ultimate sacrife as it was me and my roommate's grocery money and we had to starve for the rest of the month and steal food from work. I didnt want my love to think I was a penniless waitress, and he was always buying me drinks and driving me around, so I bought drinks for him and all his friends to show what a generous gal I was. They were already half-drunk and didn't even notice! Bastards! Was it worth it? No. I wound up in a French hospital with malnutrition and spicy stomach trouble as I had to live on chili con carne, which was the only thing easy to steal from work. The man in question is still convinced I have some kind of eating disorder. |
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 Erik
The most I ever spent was in Vegas when she lured me into gambling by lounging across my lap and declaring herself the luck goddess. I know I spent over $120, but I lost count.
LISA: Who was she?
ERIK: She was an old friend from high school that I had a BIG worshipful crush on, but she seemed way too cool and remote. So I guess that made the end of the night, when she went back to my hotel room, mysterious! She was married which made me a bit queasy, and the foreplay was interrupted by friends coming back to the hotel room (including another adulterating couple). |
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 Kerry Daniels
As far as the paying for sex I have, in a sense. I contracted herpes from a man who, though honest about his condition, was ill-informed about the virus (as was I). After the inital terror, guilt and shock passed, I came to terms with the fact that this is something that I'll have for the rest of my life. It's not the end of my life, but will I be able to be as impetuous about sex anymore (first date sex was always my favorite)? No. |
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Mowgli
When in Tokyo on business, I innocently invited the vixen of my desires to a dinner of delicate tempura and allowed her to select the restaurant (bad idea). Though I knew that Tokyo is expensive, I felt confident that $300 would be enough for dinner. After five courses of tempura two sticks of asparagus, several shrimp, etc. topped off with three beers between us, I received the check: 101,745 yen, or US$969. Luckily, the vixen had negotiating skills and the bill was forwarded to the hotel to be added onto my account. I spent the rest of the evening in the hotel giving her the full extent of my sexual repertoire, trying to make up for my loss of face. |
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| ABOUT THE AUTHOR: |
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Lisa Carver is the author of the books Dancing Queen, Rollerderby, The Lisa Diaries and Drugs Are Nice. She's written for Hustler, Index, Icon, Feed, Newsday and Playboy, among others. She lives in New Hampshire. |
©2001 Lisa Carver and hooksexup.com, Inc.
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