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Female • Western Massachusetts • 23

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I was leaving a club after seeing a show one Saturday night when I ran into two boys I knew from around town. One spun Brit-pop records on Thursday nights at a tiny bar where my college friends and I loved to dance. He had a girlfriend but that didn't stop him from much, as I knew firsthand. His shorter, stylish accomplice was a past one-night stand. He was single and friendly but could never remember my name. The last time I saw him, I was naked under my covers and he was tying the strings on his patent leather shoes, muttering something about having to be up early the next morning. I hadn't seen either of them in a while. We chatted outside the club and our conversation continued down the street and all the way to my apartment.

I swear my intentions were pure. I had started to think of sex as something that was only worth it if it came wrapped up in a package, delivered to you by your true love when you weren't looking. A healthy perspective maybe, but my mailbox had been empty for a while. Still, I wanted to hang out with these boys like we were three friends. I handed them both beers and we sat down on the living-room couch.

After two beers, I forgot all about dishing it wholesome. We started playing Truth or Dare, fifth-grade style, straight down to the "No truths allowed!" and "I dare you to hug her while I count to ten. Tee-hee!" Things got a bit out of hand when one of them noticed my fancy fireplace and suggested we light a fire. It was the middle of August. It was also 3 a.m. and my roommate was upstairs sleeping, a detail I hadn't considered until the fire was already lit and the fire alarms in every room were screaming like newborn babies.

Illustration by Thomas Pitilli
My roommate came downstairs looking scared and asked the boys to leave. We quieted down and waited. The smoke cleared. We sneaked one by one upstairs to my bedroom. More Truth or Dare. More giggling. Less clothing. I officially passed through the golden gates and into heaven when I witnessed some man-on-man lip locking. Not only were these boys as down for this as I was, but their demonstrated commitment to keeping the action going proved they weren't going to back down.

Unfortunately, the fun plunged into the deep end before my deep end could get a good plunging. We needed condoms and my pro-celibacy mindset had left me condom-less. I knew my roommate was waiting in the hallway to bitch me out for having more sex than her, so the only option was for one of the boys to jump out the second-story window and run to the convenience store. That was no problem. The bigger problem was getting them back inside. My roommate was still awake and getting madder by the moment.

I had no choice but to open my door, peek down the hallway and look for signs of my frigid roommate shaking with anger in a dark corner. The coast was clear. I ran downstairs to retrieve one of my knights with his newly purchased pack of shining armor. We made it back in the room with nothing stopping us now, two boys and a girl ready to howl at what was left of the moon.

I was so excited I forgot to lock my door. Moments after four glorious man hands had laid their claim on my naked body, my door swung open. I heard the sounds of pure sexual frustration calling my name, "Julia! Julia! Julia! Get these boys OUTTA HERE!" I didn't try to fight. I knew it was over. The boys got dressed and left the house, heads down, dragging their unused penises between their legs. Satisfied with having defeated the sex gods, my demonic roomie crept back into her sexless lair. I eventually fell asleep, strangely satisfied, and in the morning I just blamed the whole thing on beer and boys. My roommate asked me if I had been on drugs. I didn't have the heart to say that no, I was just having fun having sex, so I just smiled and told her yes, I was on drugs. Lots of them. A week later I moved out.

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7 Comments

Wow--I can imagine being super pissed about the fire alarms and about all the noise I'm sure you were making--but to be mad because you were getting some but she wasn't? How bizarre. She should've joined in.

alr commented on 08/18

I turn into a super-b**** when awakened suddenly. Had it been my roommate who set off the fire alarm because she was experimenting with two boys, all three of them would have been outside and the doors would have been locked.

E.E. commented on 08/18

I agree with alr; getting "c***-blocked" from a sexually frustrated roommate seems absurd, and completely ironic.

ssb commented on 08/19

I agree with alr; getting "c***-blocked" from a sexually frustrated roommate seems absurd, and completely ironic.

ssb commented on 08/19

I don't think the roommate was cockblocking because she wasn't getting any herself; I think she was cockblocking because the narrator set off the fire-alarm at 3am and the "quiet giggling" she and the two boys were engaged in was probably as loud as they were drunk.

k.m. commented on 08/19

Yeah...I'm sensing some story-telling bias here, too. Sounds like someone needed to stock up on condoms and grow up. Or, at least make make it a point to not to drunkenly start indoor fires during the wee hours.

-E- commented on 08/19

I think the roommate needed to chill. Yeah, not the most considerate action ever, but people get drunk and stupid sometimes. So long as there was no danger, the roommate should have waited to discuss it in the morning. Barging into her room while there were obvious sounds of sex going on is way uncool.

LF commented on 08/19
 

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