Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Hooksexup's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Hooksexup's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Some things are meant for seasonal evaluation. For example: a friend's birthday bar bash is the perfect occasion to total up all the drinks you've bought them which they've never reciprocated. Likewise, what better excuse than tax time to calculate the relative value of your Hooksexup Personal? Herewith, this quiz. Start by accessing your most recent profile here. Grab a calculator, or at least some scrap paper; perhaps the back of that 1099G form you just had your way with. Now, breathe deeply. Relax. The only penalties here are for excessive use of cliché, failing to grasp your own irony and flagrant deceit. —Jen Dolloff
1. Baseline score.
There are twelve items in every profile. (The first is "The last great book I read;" the last is "more about what I'm looking for.") How many did you complete? Take that number and multiply it by ten. If your ad has a picture, multiply by 11.
2. Your profile name.
Does it contain any of the following:
- underscores;
- a reference to your geographic location;
- reference to your gender (esp. "boi" or "grrl"); or
- the words "fun" or "hip" ?
If your answer is "no," add 6 points to your score.
If your answer is "yes," subtract 12 points.
If the Hooksexup handle you wanted was unavailable, so you just tacked a few digits onto the end: -10
If "69" was the number you chose to append: -69
3. Your photo.
Taken within the last year: +8
No Photoshop filters applied: +4
You, with cat: -3
You, with guitar: -5
You, posed with hand touching chin, temple or left cheekbone: -7
If, despite cropping, another person's appendage is visible: -9
4. Headline:
Quotes rock lyric: -3
Quotes Brit-rock lyric: +5
Ironically reflects the difficulty of writing an original headline: -8
5. Occupation:
"Rock star:" -5
Contains two or more forward slashes: -5
Contain one foward slash and one pair of parentheses: -10
A verb: +6
A gerund: +12
6. Star sign:
Regardless of your response, if you've ever used "star sign" as a search field: -20
Scorpio: -7
7. Religion:
Any write-in response, including "spiritual:" +5
Any reference to caffeine, nicotine or other stimulant: +3
Reference to chocolate: -3
8. Test your math-for-living skills.
Did you indicate preferences regarding height and weight? Take the averages of your desired height and weight range. Enter them here. If the result is below 18, subtract 18 points.
9. Last great book read.
If you have read this book in its entirety: +2
If this is actually the "last" (i.e., most recent), "great" (i.e., not just "high in the spectrum of mediocrity") book you read (i.e., not just a list of Pynchon and Nabokov novels you got off on in college): +10
If you listed A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius: -10
If you listed A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, deleted it for fear of being judged unkindly, then relisted it: +5
10. Most humbling moment.
Go to the Rapture Index here. Find the category your humbling moment falls under. Add that category's rating — a number between one and five — to your score.
If your humbling moment falls into more than one category, keep racking up the points!
11. Favorite on-screen sex scene.
If you own this movie on VHS or DVD: +5. (Subtract the number of months since you saw this movie. If you own the movie on both formats: -5.)
Less than 6 degrees from Kevin Bacon: -6
Less than 6 degrees from Gaspar Noe: +6
Less than 6 degrees from Gael Garcia Bernal: +10
Does not take place in bed/bedroom: +7
12. Song or album that puts you in the mood.
Includes an actual song or album: +3
A song you've performed at karaoke: +8
Response includes discourse on the ambiguity of "the mood:" -5
If answer involves Portishead: -20
Features the harmonica or lots of references to space and aliens and stuff like that: +10
Covered by Johnny Cash on the "American Recording" series: +8
13. Best (or worst) lie I've ever told.
Funny story: +10
Alludes to another profile question: -10
14. If I could be anywhere at the moment . . .
Somewhere you've never been: +3
Not possible in accord with current laws of physics: +5
Includes the second person in the dative or accusative case as direct or indirect object of a verb: -14
Response specifies location, guests in attendance, activity taking place and refreshments to be served: +25
15. Celebrity you resemble the most.
You skipped this question: +10
Response includes the word "get:" -5
Not an actor: +3
A joke about Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise or J-Lo's ass: -6
"I am a celebrity." -15
16. The five items I can't live without.
At least one item is edible: +4
All items could be purchased on eBay: -5
Any item is also the name of a French electronica duo: -15
17. Fill in the blanks.
Okay, so this one require a little abstraction. You know when you play "20 Questions"? There are three categories: animal, vegetable or mineral. If fill-in-the-blank-A and fill-in-blank-B would fall into different "animal/vegetable/mineral" categories: +15
If this makes no sense: +5
18. In my bedroom, you'll find . . .
A "how-to guide" on screenwriting or Pilates: -8
A screenplay: -10
Something that includes brand specification or model number: -5
Things that would not be in your bedroom even if you had a bigger apartment, or maybe, like, a really huge loft. A house, even: -9
Roommate: -25
Can you create a semi-coherent haiku using the words in your response? +12 (For bonus points, please email your haiku to [email protected].)
19. Why you should get to know me.
Response involves your affinity for sarcasm: -9
Involves reference to your "maintenance level:" -6
Includes emoticon: -13
Includes an emoticon containing a semicolon: -27
Because you're crafty like MacGyver: +8
20. Who I'm looking for.
Subtract 2 points for each of the following phrases:
"common interests," "intelligent and fun," "down to earth," "fit" and/or "active," "young at heart," "good sense of humor," "good listener," "unlike other [insert gender here]"
If your response contained none of the above: +16
21. Finally:
If there is a snarky note at the end of your profile instructing others not to use the "collect call" feature, implying that you're so completely overwhelmed with responses it's impossible for you to ignore the deluge of collect call replies: -20
Calculate your score.
Well, this is not an exact science. It's more about procedure than results. My profile is pretty damn good, and I got 180. But I wrote the questions. To properly calibrate your score, take the square root, find a trustworthy friend and have a semi-public viewing of your Personals profile. Do they think the picture sort of looks like you? Congratulations, you probably won't be audited. n°
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
