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Editors' note: In honor of Mother's Day, we asked our intern Diane to boldly go where no other Hooksexup staff member has gone before, or rather, where no other Hooksexup staff member was willing to go: to their mom, in search of great sex tips. But as with every other lame job we've given Diane (like keeping irate couriers at bay and organizing the broom closet), she accepted the challenge with a smile and picked up the phone. Thanks again, brave, brave Diane. And Happy Mother's Day, Mrs. Campese!
Diane: Hi, Mom!
Mom: Hi Pookie, how was work today?
Oh, someone in the office discovered this new website called RateMyCock.com, and it was like a chain reaction: within a minute, everyone in the office was looking at these pictures of dicks that you're supposed to rate on size and style.
Oh God, there's a style?
Yeah. Like, the overall appearance of the apparatus, size . . .
Neat placement?
Yeah. There was one guy whose balls were all purple; they looked like they had been shrink-wrapped. It was bad. So you can log in and rate all these guys' penises.
Wait a minute. Like, if I wanted to do that, I could?
Yep . . . So I think Jay [Diane's boyfriend] is thinking about buying some sexy underwear.
For who?
For himself.
For the purpose of . . . ?
Showing me.
This is a conversation for you and Nikki [Diane's best friend].
As in, I should talk about this with her?
I would think. Why do you want to talk about Jay's underwear with me?
Because I talk about everything with you! I mean, Nikki came to you for advice about her boyfriend, so why shouldn't I be able to talk to you about mine?
But his underwear?
Did Daddy ever want to wear sexy underwear for you?
Now, do you know the man? Have you seen the man? He's been wearing tighty-whities forever.
Did you ever wear sexy underwear for him?
No. Not really. I mean, I had nicer underwear when I was thinner, instead of my orthopedic grandmom panties. But no, I was never into really sexy underwear.
Any particular reason? Like, "Eh, why bother?"
Yeah.
Do you think it's trashy or do you like—
Oh, no, I think it's nice. I just don't think they make it in my size.
Sure they do. So, do you think the male ass belongs in a thong? Or any other sort of sultry underwear?
I don't think so. But that's my opinion. I don't like to see the package.
Looks like a bag of marbles?
Yeah, bag of marbles. Or that little seed sack the Neanderthals used to put their jerky in or whatever while they were out hunting and gathering.
So, the reason why I'm asking you all these sex questions is for a Hooksexup feature on the best sex advice from our moms, in honor of Mother's Day.
Oh my God!
And I figured if there's one mom who will talk about things that no other mom will venture into, it's Linda Subramanian [Diane's friend's mom], but she's unavailable, so it's up to you.
The best sex advice I could give ya? Make sure you train your man. Don't wait for him to get better if he ain't good to begin with.
Like, better in the kitchen or better in the sack?
Better in the sack. You can always buy him a fuckin' cookbook to read. Yeah, if in six months, he ain't coming up with nothin', you either dump him, or you start teaching him how. And where. The "where" is almost more important than the "how." Because sometimes they never find that shit: "Is it here, is it here, is it there, is that it?" Ugh.
I know, it can start to feel like you've been sucked up by aliens.
Like you've been probed. And then it's like enough is enough already . . . So, that's my advice.
Train him early?
Train him early or dump him fast. Don't expect things to ever change. Don't expect him to get better on his own.
Should you use sexual aids like vibrators and porno?
I don't know about the vibrator part. That's all about someone's individual taste. A little porno, I think, never hurt anybody. But not if you have to watch porno every time. And some of the porno out there is just nasty. I find a lot of it very boring.
Okay, well, thanks for participating.
Oh, okay, anytime. You're not putting my name on this, are you?
No, just my name.
But it's the same name!
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Commentarium (17 Comments)
This was fucking Brilliant! Your mom is unflappable.
Excellent job Diane! And kudos to your mom for being so cool. I think my mother still thinks of me as a virgin..lord knows how she figures I got the three kids!
hysterical !
I must confess that I truly believe this was made up. It doesn't sound right at all.
one of the funniest things I've read here. Your mom is truly a sporting gal!
I copied and pasted this to my 80 year old mother. She might die of laughter.
Humor is all we got.
A dear and wealthy friend of mine who will never give me anymore money got a video of his mother, now recently expired from this realm, at her 90th birthday party.
He's digitally processing everything, and burning his own DVD's, [now they actually do play on regular DVD players] and Great Grandma says to a three year old on microphone but everyone doesn't hear:
"You little shit gave me this pneumonia....[everyone hears:] Sara, help me blow out the candles!"
Happy Mother's Day! My mother will always love me and as she gets older, she even tells me that. Actually, I was a surprise second twin, shortly before she had her uterus removed, and my Mother always said, "What a treasure! Let's bury it."
I hope you explain to this intern that ONE great article and fifty cents gets her a cup of coffee at McDonald's. FULL MARKS FOR GREAT COPY!!! Job well done.
Awesome advice! Esp. in this day and age where every mom is suppose to be preaching abstinence until marriage. My mom's only advice to me was "make sure you have sex with him before you get married to him, because bad sex can ruin any marriage" My mom and dad have been married 25 years now (I'm, ahem, 24), so it worked for them.
Terrific! Great sense of humor, especially the last exchange! What a hoot!
This is so so wrong. No mother should have to put up with this from a child. Mom did respond gamely and she gets kudos for that. but honestly, he says in best curmudgeonly voice, is NOTHING sacred. Isn't there a rule on this planet about not talking to parents about sex. Are we not supposed to be as squeamish about revealing such info to them as they were to us. Maybe the fact that I am English and a perv has something to do with my reaction. But I would never ask such a question and I would never regal parents with my exploits.
Jeez!
I loved it. You could not of had anything funnier. You made my Mother's Day and then some
That was a fantastic article- absolutely hilarious, way to go Mrs. Campese!!!
HA!
I cant wait for the Father's Day version...
You crazy son of a bitch, Diane Marie!
I grew up with Little Di and rolled on the fucking floor laughing after reading the interview because I know that these sort of exchanges regularly take place around the Campese house. Some people pay for movies while a few of us are lucky enough to get invited to Skippy and Di's house for dinner. And they're church-going people too, hot damn!
You crazy son of a bitch, Diane Marie!
I grew up with Little Di and rolled on the fucking floor laughing after reading the interview because I know that these sort of exchanges regularly take place around the Campese house. Some people pay for movies while a few of us are lucky enough to get invited to Skippy and Di's house for dinner. And they're church-going people too, hot damn!
Priceless!
Really fucking funny. Your mom is way cool! Really liked the bit about being probed..
What great lips you have and that pink is working for you
Sonny