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REGULARS
posted 9/21/2005
Do you wish your boss would notice more than your spelling errors? Do you dream about your assistant taking off those horn-rimmed glasses? If so, it’s time to take some advice from Hollywood, where the rules of office romance have remained relatively unchanged since the 1930s.
Save your fights for the office. There’s nothing like a few good insults to spice up your work environment. For example: “If I ever lay my two eyes on you again, I'm gonna walk right up to you and hammer on that monkey-eyed skull of yours 'til it rings like a Chinese gong."
See: His Girl Friday, Adam’s Rib.
Trust out-of-town executives who want to show you a good time.
See: In the Company of Men, Fatal Attraction.
Leave embarrassing sexual confessions on your supervisor’s voicemail. It’s a great way to build intimacy without ever making eye contact.
See: Haiku Tunnel.
Let your boss use your apartment for sexual encounters. It may lead to a promotion, but it’s more likely Shirley Maclaine will OD in your bedroom.
See: The Apartment.
Suck up to your superiors with sex; it will make you a valuable member of the team.
See: How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying, The Red-Headed Woman, The Producers, The Office Wife.
Make your coworkers feel awkward by hitting on them during work. Instead, disguise yourself as a frumpy introvert at the office, then bump into them on weekends as your sexy alter ego.
See: Ever Since Eve, Superman.
Steal your boss’s boyfriend. In fact, steal your boss’s whole life, and lead it in a more capable, creative and ethical manner than she would.
See: Working Girl.
Talk about sex during work, or work during sex. And never share your “o-face” with anyone.: See: Network, Disclosure, Office Space.
Date other people’s secretaries, who inevitably know more about your business than you do.
See: Boiler Room, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.
Date your own secretary. Potential lawsuits aside, it exponentially increases your chances of being jailed, kidnapped or killed.
See: 9 to 5, American Psycho, The Spanish Prisoner.
Ask out the temp. If she says no, you’ll probably never see her again. If she says yes, you could save yourself a doomed, expensive wedding. See: The Baxter, Clockwatchers.
Exception: DON’T ask out the temp if her arrival coincides with freak paper-shredder and cookie-factory accidents. See: The Temp.
Make puppets modeled after your hot coworkers and use them to act out your fantasies.
See: Being John Malkovich.
Think twice before jumping into bed with a business client. Preferably, your conflicted internal monologue should take the form of a hit song.
See: Lover Come Back.
Share an office with Michael Douglas.
See: Wall Street, Disclosure, Fatal Attraction.
Date the boss’s daughter — and let the boss date yours.
